Lived Experience Forum

[Silenus]

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@Flower wrote:

I am finding it difficult at the time to set myself goals and to see my purpose. I had so many dreams and goals and once was so focused and able to achieve whatever I wanted, sometimes at a high cost. I am trying to find the balance now. What is too little, what is too much, what will trigger an episode, how will my life look like in the future....

Those are the times when I need to learn to stay in the here and now and be grateful for what I have. Sometimes I am able to do that.

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@Former-Member - you really have nailed it there. That is what our everyday needs to be, in order to cope, in order to learn more, and in order to come to an arrangement with our strengths and weaknesses along the way...

It can be very difficult, especially early on when we are coming to grips with our mental health, to even consider a purpose to our life. So often, we've been stuck in survival mode, with our head just above the water, sometimes for years at a time...

And here we are, still trying to understand what the heck is going on...

Every day, I am monitoring my moods, listening to my thoughts...

Especially when I am hypomanic. 7 out of 10 and higher. That's when I've got to be extra careful, because I can easily get caught up in my enthusiasm, my grandiosity, my wild energy...

Then it's time to slam on the brakes, or find useful constructive ways to channel all that energy...

When I'm depressed, for me it is all about going into "tractor mode". Put it in first gear and just putt putt along as you are able. I challenge the negative self talk then. I try to lift that inner deadness where nothing excites or interests me. I try to stay in the moment and observe "what is"...

It's a lot of effort, @Former-Member, that's for sure.

But I reckon it's getting easier as I go along. Either that, or perhaps I'm getting a bit better at it, learning as I go...

I wish you all the best in your journey, @Former-Member. Sending hugs to you, and hugs to all who travel these paths... 🙂

[Silenus]

The issue for me is that it can be difficult to manage my relationship with what society wants me to do, whilst at the same time trying to manage my self.

Society stuff - working hard and paying taxes, being available to work reliably and constantly without those grey times when you turn up for work, but your head is so stuffed with cotton wool that you can hardly think or talk; or those other times when you are bouncing in your chair, and are working on 6 things at once; or then those times when you're just an empty chair at a desk and a manager wondering where you are...

Taking on too much used to be normal for me. And I could handle it for 2 years or so at a time. Then would come the 6 month crash. Then I'd start all over again...

There's a problem with going lightly lightly too, though... I need to be inspired. I love working hard, throwing myself 170% into my projects... if I am doing a simple unchallenging job that is guaranteed not to trigger me because I'm hardly doing anything, well... that's a trigger for me...

Finding that balance, that's the key. And it's a difficult thing to find in our somewhat inflexible society...

Allow me to present you with another hug, @Former-Member...

[Former-Member]

@Silenus @Former-Member

I honestly cannot describe how valuable your contributions are. It feels like there are people out there who understand.

Si, your comment "Especially when I am hypomanic. 7 out of 10 and higher. That's when I've got to be extra careful, because I can easily get caught up in my enthusiasm, my grandiosity, my wild energy..." is where my grief lies. Pulling back when feeling "good" - what a messed up concept. I am starting to identify patterns in the past. There used to be a song when I was in my late teens "Superwoman" and that's how I felt - I could forever party, study, work, never sleep and always be on top of things, and then I got struck down. Often doctors could not really find out what was wrong with me, when I got struck down. People cannot keep up with me, with my ideas, my enthusiasm, my energy, I often used to do several dates for ie. hiking, once I wore one person out, I took the next one with me, sometimes even ending up going alone when everybody had enough of me. I used to ride my push bike 1.5 hours to work and be full of attention and concentration. And then I'd crash...

I am in the corporate world and still trying to figure out how I will be able to make it work in the future - I do enjoy my work most of the times. But I work in a highly demanding & stressful industry. At the moment peeps are ok to give me breathing space, but only as I have medical certificates - that do not state my condition. Meds are making my life very different - I am a different person than before I started meds, and I don't like the new me, yet?

Big hugs all round & Gueti Nacht alli mitenand

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

I am glad we are able to help in someway - Si is wonderful. We are all individuals but if you can find something from my life experience that enhances yours that warms my heart.

I really do believe it's about finding that balance in work and play and not pushing past our limitations in order to cope and heal flower, so true. Not pushing too hard, but not holding back too much (becoming stuck). I also understand that when very ill its a major struggle just to get through the day, to survive. And reaching the end of the day is a major achievement. I remember it being hellish, dark and I dreaded each day when I hit rock bottom mentally. It was so lonely and frightening. When I at times feel vulnerable today (like right now), it can still be a struggle as I battle my own mind versus positivity (another story). So what I post here I actively practise to survive and to obtain reasonable quality of life.

Finding our balance in society to me is finding what makes us tick and where we belong in it - what we can do in it that makes a difference. Compromising to a degree to survive and thrive in our given environment that's been enforced but not compromising on our values/who we are and what we have to offer. Nothing is worth losing ourselves for. That to me is purpose as is meaningful relationships throughout life. My spin on it. And it's what keeps me going. 

Have you ever suffered perfectionism and burnout flower? This can cause low changing moods and lowered self esteem. Sometimes we strive outwardly to compensate inner turmoil (unresolved trauma) and feelings of inadequacy to our demise. Yes, finding our a balance creates equalibirium of emotions.

When I had a breakdown I couldn't work (fit into society in any way being agoraphobia), have a social life or for that matter have anything that resembled a normal life. I wasn't my own person just drifting with no vision or purpose - but was a needy individual. I loathed being that way - I wanted to be more and I needed to find meaning to find my way out of the darkness. By having a positive vision/purpose on the forefront of my mind gave me the strength to move forward and keep going - something to strive for. And when feeling eventually better and knowing the right time to pursue that purpose -  I did. Also by focusing on the positive when my mind was assailed with negative thoughts - I had to turn them around a little bit each day to climb out of that black hole. My life and mental health is richer for it as it extends beyond myself more and the focus goes off my pain/moods/anxiety. It gives me more peace - relief. If that makes sense.

Having a vision/purpose for the future didnt mean I wasn't  living in the moment - it's helped me to move forward in the context by shaping my present moods/emotions to the positive and shaped the present enhancing my mood; (if I saw a bleak future projecting the way I was feeling when ill/depressed it would of feed the negative emotions of the present sending me spiralling down "further" into a darker place, moods worsening). 

Living in the moment is extremely important because it's when we dwell on the pains of yesterday together with the "what ifs"/worries of the future that we come undone mentally. That's how I survived and how I still do when times are tough (my husband has cancer and other ailments presently - he is my world). When I dwell on my fears, anger etc I am gone. I fall apart. Especially when I am feeling vulnerable (faced with loss - another story). 

Are you experiencing adverse side effects from your medications that makes you not like the you now? Is it making you feel zombified at all or numb?

Dont worry about what will happen in your future my friend - just give it your all now and relish in the good letting go bit by bit of past pain; doing your best within your limitations as that's all any of us can do and building on that will create a better tomorrow I have found.  One day at a time at your pace. Hugs xx

[Former-Member]

One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time.

I do not understand why I can sit there happily this morning and now I want to leave therapy, upset and only because one little memory popped up. It's a memory. I'm safe, I should just snap out of it. But my head is heavy and confused. And I try to beat it, I try to follow my plan, my activities, I felt better in the gym, but it was more punishment than enjoyment I think.

Anyway, will try to defuse the confusion...

[Silenus]

Hi @Former-Member @Former-Member and any others following this conversation... 🙂

Defuse the confusion... I like that...

Mood and energy levels... silly things, sometimes...

And sometimes life savers...

When my mum died, dad was gutted. So was I. Dad was really struggling. So was I...

But then a wonderful thing happened. The grief and trauma surrounding my mum's passing kick-started me into a prolonged and quite high hypomania...

Just the day before, mum had passed, and here was I, full of grief and all of that, but bounding out of bed with a huge smile and near-limitless energy...

It was confusing as all hell on the emotions front. I was sad and depressed and lost and deeply grieving, but the hypomania was driving me forward and feeling fantastic!!!

It felt "wrong"...

But it was just my hypomania, stepping me up to the plate, working as a self defence mechanism...

Stress, triggering a high. As easy as that. So, I went with it...

The hypomania allowed me to take charge, to comfort dad, to organise funeral and all the paperwork associated, to shield dad from all of the bad stuff at this vulnerable time. He has a weak ticker, having had a quad bypass and pacemaker from years earlier, so I stepped up...

My bipolar weirdness helped me for those months, and helped me when, a few months after that period, dad had another heart attack and had a botched bypass surgery and lengthy 6-week stay in hospital...

Slow recovery at age 78...

And through it all, I was laughing and having a ball, full of energy and lust for life, all at the same time as being so full of grief...

My hypomania saved me that time. I try to treat my bipolar gently, and not always fight it. That is totally exhausting, fighting myself all the time...

Instead, I am thankful and grateful when my bipolar helps me out, and I try to be equally thankful and grateful (and understanding) at those times when the changing patterns of my mood disturbances aren't particularly helpful...

I can't be getting too upset about my bipolar throwing me this way and that. I'd only be getting upset at myself, and I don't like being upset with anyone... hahaha...

Sending hugs and happy vibes out to all... 🙂

[Former-Member]

Hi @Silenus,

I wanted to write to you this morning. I could not defuse the confusion. I had to promise my GP today to follow my suicide prevention plan before I left his office. I'm so tired of all of this.

I understand your hypomania, I think I have been in that state most of my life. Either the thrill of new adventures, big plans or terrible injustices and many losses kept me going like a bouncy ball. Responsibilities, my natural drive, I cannot explain it. And now there is just this little deflated bouncy ball that feels like it's getting kicked by the medical world and has all the time in the world now to reflect on past horrors.

Seriously considering to stop therapy, get off the meds and go back to old strategies and ride the waves. If it cannot be cured why waste time and money into therapy and drugs that give you other problems. If I was diagnosed with terminal cancer I would sell the house and spend every living minute with my husband and travel Australia.

Hmm that is a road you have explored, just moving away and spending time with yourself and your partner, getting off the meds, exploring - would you do it again?

[Silenus]

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@Flower wrote:
Hi @Silenus,

I wanted to write to you this morning. I could not defuse the confusion. I had to promise my GP today to follow my suicide prevention plan before I left his office. I'm so tired of all of this.

I understand your hypomania, I think I have been in that state most of my life. Either the thrill of new adventures, big plans or terrible injustices and many losses kept me going like a bouncy ball. Responsibilities, my natural drive, I cannot explain it. And now there is just this little deflated bouncy ball that feels like it's getting kicked by the medical world and has all the time in the world now to reflect on past horrors.

Seriously considering to stop therapy, get off the meds and go back to old strategies and ride the waves. If it cannot be cured why waste time and money into therapy and drugs that give you other problems. If I was diagnosed with terminal cancer I would sell the house and spend every living minute with my husband and travel Australia.

Hmm that is a road you have explored, just moving away and spending time with yourself and your partner, getting off the meds, exploring - would you do it again?

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In a heartbeat, @Former-Member, in a heartbeat...

I have been very lucky in my life. For the most part, my bipolar plays nice. I am mostly hypomanic, with some crushing depressions thrown in just for good measure, and the odd bit of rapid cycling and (worst of all) mixed episodes...

My anxieties sometimes trouble me, but usually don't result in any major functional impairment, although I have been quite happy to be withdrawn from society and parties and friends and stuff in the Really Real of late...

My OCD is part of the big package, and it helps me to control the wildness of my bipolar by forcing certain obsessive restrictions on my otherwise grand displays of energy, generosity and mad-cap tom-foolery...

I have tried ending it all. Thankfully I failed to go through with it. I have been in the darkest deepest pits within my soul, and have then felt what it feels like for the bottom to drop out of that darkest deepest hole, and go into freefall once again...

It's not a lot of fun. Somehow, I managed to navigate it all with limited self medication and no psych meds...

I do not recommend one course of action over another. We each must come to an individual appreciation of things, and decide for oneself what is best, what is working.

My personal observation of my life is that I have had bipolar symptoms since I was 8 or 9 years old, and was a troubled child when I was even younger than that - lots of sleep walking and flying into wild rages that would last only a short time and then I would be okay, unusual displays of strength when in these rages, the sensation of "seeing red"...

Too much bloody Viking in me, obviously... hahaha...

In all of those years growing up, and on into my adult years, I didn't have medication or a therapist. I didn't have a confidante or a trusted other. I was mostly by myself...

I learned to cope. I found what worked and what didn't, slowly, over time, painfully, using trial and error...

I built up wellness strategies and coping mechanisms, without even realising that this is what they were. Over the years, just trying to white knuckle it and survive...

It has been my experience that many of these self-developed wellness strategies and coping mechanisms were actually often following the core guiding principles of such therapy approaches as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance Therapy (ACT), with a bit of Buddhism thrown in...

We learn as we go. Things work. Things don't. Things that used to work don't work any more, or things that didn't used to work, suddenly start working... therapy trends come and go, medications come and go... we come and go...

Always changing, this is why life can be so very difficult (and such a great joy), but often we want it to stop. And we want it to stop on "Good", not "Bad"...

Demanding little buggers, aren't we? Hahaha...

But I had also made a lot of mistakes and learned the wrong life lessons along the way of my own self therapy. That is why it was an important process for me to pass into the professional guided talk therapy environment for a while, to gain insight into my self from others who were trained to identify life traps...

I learned a lot from my psychs. I learned even more from all of the wonderful people on the BlueBoard MH forum. I continue to learn more from all of you wonderful people here on Sane...

And all along, I continue to apply myself to self evolution...

Therapy is a valuable tool. It comes in many forms...

Sending gentle gentle hugs your way, @Former-Member

[Former-Member]

Hi @Silenus

you write: "I have tried ending it all. Thankfully I failed to go through with it. I have been in the darkest deepest pits within my soul, and have then felt what it feels like for the bottom to drop out of that darkest deepest hole, and go into freefall once again..."

What happened?

Reading about your life gives me hope, I don't want to give up. Big hugs to you.

[Former-Member]

Its exhausting living in our own skin with swings in mood. And hard on the people around us (those who stick around, if any).The highs burn us out, the lows wipe us out - but also recharge us, and we somehow start again, as the resilient souls we are. Hopefully then we hover in the middle, a 'normal' state of peace, for as long as possible. Until the next trigger. I know it well. My only hope, and suggestion to others, is to 'LIVE FOR THE GOOD DAYS!'
Just a thought.