Lived Experience Forum

[Mymood]

Hi @Former-Member
Sounds Like me too. It's exhausting

[Former-Member]

Hi All,

The last few days have been exhausting. Not sure how much is the change of meds but I have been getting more and more confused. Does anyone get these states of confusion? It's like a washing machine going round and round and round 😞 I just feel like I need a break from myself.

Seeing the doc tomorrow.

[Mymood]

Hi @Former-Member
Yes I know that washing machine feeling thank you for sharing as my friends don't understand that feeling, sometimes I called it a fish hook because I can't pull my mind out of the state. But there is something i do that helps me. I go into the backyard I place both my hands & bare feet on the grass & try to focus on the grass for a few minutes. I know it's sounds weird but it has helped me. When i lived next to the ocean i would go down to the shore & do the same thing. I hope you're ok. You're not alone Flowers ❤

[Former-Member]

Woah, I'm buggered, my mood cycles so rapidly that I'm starting to be afraid I'm losing it.

What's the trigger, what's the trigger? My analysing mind is confused. My meds have not kicked in yet. Sometimes I just wish... Have I always been this way but was so excellent in pushing away and avoiding my feelings? I realised lately that my sense of smell is not really connected to me anymore. I have to tell myself to smell intentionally - isn't that weird?

I go from one second to the next, being good and telling my hubby I'm definitely getting better to f* where did that come from - boom another brick wall.

Welcome to my mind...

[Silenus]

Firstly @Former-Member - hugs...

Breathe. Breath is sacred. Breath is life. Breathe...

I've been through I think 3 or 4 periods of rapid cycling of moods and energy states that I really struggled with. The first one was the one that got me rediagnosed from depression to bipolar.

It was brutal. Topsy-turvy all over the place. Each day I would wake up, not knowing which mood I'd be in. I could spring out of bed with a great big leap and maniacal grin on my dial, full to bursting with energy, so much energy... too much energy...

Then, maybe an hour later, maybe more, for no identifiable reason, my moods and energy levels would take a nosedive into what felt like a major depression...

There was no logic to it. I looked all I could for triggers. There weren't any I could find, and I spent a lot of time looking...

There was a trigger for the start of the episode for me - a big dustup with my father. But there were no triggers for the out of control mood storm that was sweeping through me. It was all biochemical at this stage, I believe...

I laughed, I cried, I nearly died...

I think it lasted about 3 weeks, that first rapid cycling episode. I described it to the psych I went to see about it as a mood storm. That's what it was. The chaos and wildness of a storm in my mind...

I toughed it out. It passed for me eventually. I was lucky, I suspect. I'm certainly grateful it passed though...

Rapid cycling for me is totally exhausting. The only thing worse for me is a mixed episode. I struggle most of all with mixers, more than I do with any other altered state of consciousness...

Sending you heartfelt hugs and calming gentle vibes @Former-Member

How long has this rapid cycling been going on for you?

Is it as it was for me - multiple "flips" or sudden shifts in mood per day (up to 6 or 8 flips) for no apparent reason...

More hugs... 🙂

[Former-Member]

Thank you for the hugs @Silenus I need them today.<br><br>I don't know still what mixed episodes are and I don't know if what I'm experiencing is rapid cycling. I just know that my mood has been going from angry, sad, numb to happy ever since I started the antidepressants, with no state lasting more than 1-2 days. This is about 9 months now. Lately I am getting extreme moodswings the same you described, no trigger but I go from feeling to be the most blessed person in the world to one that plays with S ideas several times a day. It's exhausting. I'm just having some me time now, listening to relaxing zen tunes, breathing and probably will do some grounding exercises - waiting for the meds to kick in.

[Former-Member]

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@Flower wrote:
Good morning everyone,

I'm newly diagnosed with bipolar and currently not on mood stabilisers. I'm trying to understand what are emotions all people feel and what is extreme.

No matter how brief the times are, in a normal day for me I experience everything from being hopeful, accepting, feeling loved to desperate, exhausted, in fear of my life, suicidal, helpless and hopeless, I feel angI can get so deeply sad...I feel disconnected and lonely but I also have times at work where I just function the way I used to and need to. Work seems to do me good as I have little time ruminating and constant demands from people - about subjects that do not scare me, situations where I can just rely on my analytical mind. 

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Hello Flower 🌷

I think it is wonderful how you are so open about the way you have been feeling trying to make sense of it all. It can be overwhelming and difficult to control/deal with when like that.

I can relate in part to your extravagant changes in moods. It sounds like what I have experienced as a result of unresolved trauma coming to the surface of the mind and the consequential conflicting emotions present themselves (past sometimes overlapping present and also catastrophising/worrying about the future). Especially if my thoughts or some event/situation acts as a trigger. If my thoughts are the trigger - my emotions can be up and down like a yo-yo.

I found when my mind is distracted I cope better and can function more normally and smoothly like you described. That usually indicates for me that there is something either happening in my life now that I am worrying about/not coping with and/or something that happened in the past I haven't exactly dealt effectively with and haven't "let go of".  I.e. Memories of past/present abuse can invoke anger in me that can overwhelm if pondered on and fearing certain events/things that I fear I have no control over can cause chronic anxiety. 

When you feel angry, sad etc are you aware of your thoughts? It may be worth your while to jot them down at these times if you can. Are they of past/present hurts/traumas or fearing something? If that is the case talking about it to either a professional, loved one or on here helps to deal with it and release some of the negative emotions attached - that has been my experience. It can be complex.

If you can relate to what I have said here at all trauma and CBT therapy(releasing pain/fear and learning coping strategies and/or training the thoughts to more positive ones) would help a lot. And communicating your pain calmly to a trusted other rather than holding it in where it will boil over into mood swings. 

When I have experienced a chemical imbalance in the past I found that although keeping busy/distracted aided in eventual healing, it did not really change the low, irritable etc mood at that time. When I feel threatened or triggered by being past hurts/fears flooding back to my subconscious (not always being aware of my thoughts at the time - pain was too great to acknowledge them, it took time); then my moods can be like four seasons in one day they take over. Also when I suffered hormonal/thyroid imbalances (that I was also not aware of at the time) this for a time until treated also caused terrible shifts in mood. Drug reactions/side effects have caused same. Hope this helps a little.

[Former-Member]

Thank you OverTheEdge,

There is a lot of unresolved trauma, but I haven't been able to open up yet. One day. I am in therapy but we are taking it very very slowly. Mostly I don't know why I am angry, numb, hopeless, threatened.... I am still learning that feelings have names - and are not just something that should be avoided. And I'm not sure if I'm using the words in a similar context other people would. I've always kept busy, I've always had to move on and make important calls very quickly after trauma or hide it like my childhood abuse. I think it's just come back to haunt me.

[Former-Member]

Your welcome Flower. I also come from a background of horrific childhood abuse and subsequent abuse/hurts/betrayals since. It takes time to deal with the scars my friend but it does get better - in our own time, as long as we take small steps forward each time. Time heals.

It will come back to haunt if not expressed fully and dealt with - then we start letting go of it for good. Never looking back but always forward. It takes time - as long as we move a little forward each time - as when we take a step backwards we get back on the bike and don't give up. We deserve happiness and good things do happen - I needed to keep that vision clear in my mind to free it.

I found that it was important for me to be aware of what triggers my moods to be able to deal/control/cope with them effectively. You are going in the right different. And to receive compassionate wise support, guidance and understanding at these times was of paramount importance to me. I like you have always found keeping the mind and body active helpful - especially focusing on the good/positive things/thoughts. It eased the pain and helped me to let go. Having goals, a purpose, has also aided in my much improved mental health (I still have my moments though - which can be very painful but bearable now). Hold onto hope.

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member

Hello and thank you for sharing your story. I am finding strength in stories from survivors and stories from people who learnt to deal with their mental illness. It is so important to keep up hope.

I am finding it difficult at the time to set myself goals and to see my purpose. I had so many dreams and goals and once was so focused and able to achieve whatever I wanted, sometimes at a high cost. I am trying to find the balance now. What is too little, what is too much, what will trigger an episode, how will my life look like in the future....

Those are the times when I need to learn to stay in the here and now and be grateful for what I have. Sometimes I am able to do that.

You are right, we deserve to feel safe and happy and loved.