The Challenges of Mental Health Wellbeing

[Sans911]

Why are you glad your cry for help wasn't answered @Teej. Or I am reading that wrong? Is there a way for you to cope without the need to 'self-medicate'? What happens if one day/night you over-calculate, and then there is no coming back? I know you have touched on this before.

My regular meds are making a little difference, but not enough. I still feel intensely, rage is an inferno, sadness is drowning. Have you done any DBT skills at all? Sorry for all the questions, it's just there is much of you in me, so I am trying to understand why we work the way we do. I can't even go to hospital anymore. I'm sure I will be refused. I know I have a reputation as being agitated & aggressive, difficult, non compliant in hospital. Why wants a patient like that? I know though my cries for help now don't garner attention. It's like, yep, she says she can't cope, she'll be over it in a day or two. Empty, manipulative threats that no one listens to anymore. If I scream, it is silent. No one hears me.

@outlanderI have seen you about tonight my lil Sis.

[Teej]

I think maybe it’s about acknowledging that you’ve achieved heaps before @Sans911. You’ve had the stuffing knocked out of you and your world has changed but change can happen again. Sometimes it’s just about finding that one small thing you can resonate with and hold on tightly to that. 

What makes me ok to write this now and not hide like I have been 🤔 I guess is that after 5 days deep in the trenches it is passing a bit. As much as I hate that saying it’s true. Will I hate myself tomorrow- probably but for now I just am if that makes sense. 

I know you had plans and goals but you can again, just different ones. I’m starting to accept different is ok too haha she says as she is still locked inside her fortress too scared to leave and see the big wide world. You are ahead of me. At the first sign of unworthiness in volunteering I ran as fast as I could. That will be my first test, to do this volunteering gig without running away.  

[Teej]

Sorry writing at the same time as you @Sans911.

It’s all good to answer questions @Sans911 😊

last night I as glad because I had passed out and it was a false alarm in that I just needed to be knocked out. 

Yes I’ve done DBT twice. 

How long have you been going through the si? I think you’ve told me but I’ve forgotten. Has it always been with you? 

[Teej]

@Sans911 I needed to add I have the nuisance BPD reputation as well. I’ve had some horrid hospital experiences. I had huge red marks against my name with community mental health too. Different reasons maybe to you but ones that cause huge shame. I asked those questions so it may help me answer your stuff a bit better. 

[Sans911]

I have acheived a lot before @Teej in my life, but those acheivements have been so hard won. I have had to fight for everything in my life, right from the time I was a small girl. My clothing and personal effects were often stolen by other children, and there was nothing that could be done. My nursing degree was a huge challenge as was my career. I was bullied frequently, and ridiculed. I never fitted in anytime, anywhere. I had no control over anything in my life early on, which lead to an ED in my teens and the first of several SAs.

My nursing career gave me some control over my life. But I still had to fight many battles, not only professionally but personally. I lost my home in my 30s. And so many other things. And I am tired @Teej. Tired of fighting for my life. When do I get a break? When does life change for the better? There's not much that resonates right now. And the volunteering I am loosing enthusiasm for.

My SI this time around has been about 2 or more years. Last year was the worst. I haven't even calculated how many SA there have been. It has been less intense since my most serious SA in Jan this year, as has my SH, but it has returned with an intensity in the last few weeks. I can't come up with any goals at all, I have zero direction or plans. I am just plodding along until something maybe fits or feels ok. Right now, not much feels right.

[outlander]

@Sans911 @Teej

[Teej]

Sorry @Sans911. Had to attend to tea for a bit. I’m wondering if you’ve explored that stuff about having to fight so hard for everything with a psychologist. 

I know now I can’t even begin to know how that feels. I know someone else who you share some stuff with on the forum but I’m not sure if she’s reading or wants to join in. 

Coming back i know that my s a and si has changed over the 5 years.  It’s still there and every time it feels more real than the last. I know that DBT is helpful but a bit of a double edge sword for us. I saw the young ones in my group really feel more empowered and their lives were changed. I think it’s harder when we are older because we feel like our best years are behind us. Just checking on tea. First time I’ve cooked sinc the kids left. 

[Sans911]

You have been very quiet today @outlander. Is everything ok?

[Sans911]

@outlandermaybe this might make you feel better

Jasper today

[outlander]

things are just pileing up again thats all @Sans911

im really glad your talking tonight and that @Teej 'gets' you too.