Lived Experience Forum

[C_Xx99]

Hi everyone - Im not quite sure where to start or end but I wanted to say hello and introduce myself. 

Even writing this my hands a sweaty - so forgive any miss-spellings. I am currently 21, and have been seeing a plethora of professionals for about 10+ years. Throughout this time I have not been able to make significant progress with my mental health aside from fighting death at age 14 from a severe eating disorder. Ever since I have struggled with existentialism, and the numerous other collection of labels thrown at me, including: borderline personality disorder, eating disorder, mild anxiety, severe depression, autism spectrum disorder (hyperlexia) - among many others.

I guess I am reaching what feels like a dead-end where my hope of finding hapiness is allusive at best. My family does not recognise mental illness, or really any of the aforementioned. And I feel like the worst part is my coping mechanisms have made me look successful in a public lens (HD university student, ambitious, out spoken, high achiever etc) - but what hurts the most is no one bothers to look past these things and actually see the endless suffering of every day. 

I dont know what to do, or even if this post will help - but I want to find the optimism that life will get better, and some close people that I can talk to that understands. If this sounds like you please reach out. I really need a friend right now. 

Thank you for your time. 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hello @C_Xx99 ,

Welcome to the forums. I am so glad you posted because some of what you wrote defintely resonates with me. 

For many years, I suffered with the challenges of having borderline personality disorder and a several other co-morbidities. Services would look at my 'acheivements' and pretty much tell me to 'move on and get back to your work'. This was like adding salt to an open wound. These services did not understand the deep sorrow and pain within me. It was a fight just to survive each day.

It wasn't until over a decade later that I got in touch with a service which specialised in BPD treatments. My key clinician specialised in BPD and eating disorders, and had completed extensive research into the links between BPD and eating disorders. I was sceptical of the therapy, but after about 2 years of intensive therapy, I definitely saw a difference - a different outlook on life, a different zest to live life, a different perspective of the world, a different perspective of people, a different perspective of myself.

Throughout my treatment, I did not have the support of family. I was completely in the hands of the public system. 

Today, several years on, I find myself onward and upward. I am beginning to reconnect with family as I am much more stable now. 

So @C_Xx99 , it may seem bleak and hopless now, but I hope you will soon be able to find the support you need to press on.

I'm here if you need an ear because I definitely acknowlege the complexities of your situtation, and the need to connect with others who have like experiences.

BPDSurvivor

[Owen45]

Welcome to the group 

[Spirit_Healer]

Hello and welcome, @C_Xx99,

Good on you for your bravery to come out and introduce yourself here, it takes courage.

I literally just joined this forum today, too, but I'm not feeling brave enough to introduce myself yet, so I'll just respond to other people's posts for the time being.

I'm 31, and I still feel a plethora of emotions, when I open up about my mental health issues.

It doesn't help that I had to end up as an inpatient as a teenager with a psychotic episode, before the core issue of Anxiety was diagnosed six years afterwards. My family are a very traditional one from a minority race group, and still make me feel this deep-seeded shame, as if it is my fault.

Like you, I was a HD university student in my undergrad; I also have a Masters and still aspire to a PhD one day. I understand how lonely it can be to succeed on the surface, but have all these hidden underlying issues. It is a fine line between seeking support and oversharing at times. I encourage you to continue to reach out here and wherever else that is safe and comfortable for you to get the help that you need. Safety first, and I also live by the Medical mantra: 'First do no harm".

Not sure how much time I will have in the future, but for now, I will be here for you, and so will others, I'm sure.

Let's keep the conversation going...

[periwinklepixie]

Hi @C_Xx99 it is a pleasure to meet you! 

I relate a lot to what you said. Back in my days at University I was a HD student and your textbook over-achieve: nobody noticed how much I was suffering. Sometimes I would feel like screaming 'Why can't you see?!'

It must be so hard to have your family invalidate your experiences. I have been there and it stings that little bit extra coming from those dearest. With that said, if it is connection and hope you are looking for, then you ave defintley found yourself in the right place. 🙂 

Welcome to the Forums! 
- periwinklepixie