Depression anxiety

[Lula]

@MJG017 

Hello M and thanks for checking up on me. I hope you’re well too.

Like most of us I guess you know too how tiring this business of being stressed, anxious, depressed is.  Thinking back to our last contact I can’t remember anything in particular, but nothing is different now really.

I’ve had to now start taking another med to help ease the effects of bad anxiety episodes, just once last night so far. One good thing is I had blood test last week that showed all my levels were normal. And considering the way many people are in our world in Australia with big problems, I can pat myself on the back that I haven’t weakened to alcohol or drugs.  I do have some alcohol here but I don’t even think of it, but then again a glass here and there might have been good to relax 😊. As for drugs, easily available around here, but I wouldn’t even know where to start with that 😂 what an innocent I am.

I met a new-ish friend last week at a club and although we did touch on me having anxiety I didn’t tell her all the gory details of what brought it on.  So many women my age have families - children, grandies, also cousins etc, but I have no family, didn’t have children, don’t even have cousins, so that is fairly unusual I think. It certainly makes it harder. I do know of course that some people do have those things and it’s a nightmare.

I still find it hard to get out of bed in the mornings, I feel better there than anywhere else in the day. This morning I could have gone out to meet some other ladies at a coffee group, but when I woke up it would have been a rush to get there - rushing isn’t a good feeling for me so I stayed in bed.

I've had a variety of must-keep appointments plus keeping up with myself at home. I don’t know how I get so untidy when I do nothing.

I am badly missing meaningful conversations with people M, I’m having to manage with making appointments, ordering coffee etc most of the time.

It’s nearly 1pm and I haven’t eaten yet so I’d better go do that.

bye for now M, I’m looking forward to what you’ve been up to. Lula

[MJG017]

Hi @Lula.

It does sound like you're making some progress, which is great!  It always takes time and sometime we can look back to yesterday and think we're feeling worse today so we're not making progress and get disheartened.  We need to remind ourselves that it is a long process and we just need to take the small wins when we get them and just try to build on them.  You do sounds like you're feeling a bit better lately.  You're about to go and have lunch.  I remember you saying you were struggling even just to eat something.

It's disappointing that you couldn't make that coffee group but if you felt the rushing was too difficult then that's fine.  I'm the last person to tell anyone about getting organised in the mornings. I've never been a morning person!  It's harder these days, but i've never liked having to wake up, jump out of bed and go and do stuff. These days it's even harder for me physically, because my low blood pressure (only when I stand) takes me a while to sort out each morning so rushing out of bed makes me feel pretty awful the past few years.  One thing I have learnt to do, is that if I do have something I need to go out early for,  I set an alarm to get me up in plenty of time.  For me it's to get my body feeling up to it, but for you it might just be to not feel rushed.  It still involves having to get out of bed earlier than desired, so I can't help you with that bit.  But it sounds like these coffee group catchups would be a great opportunity for you, assuming you enjoy chatting to these people.

I know it can be hard to find people to talk to when you're all alone.  I've just learnt that people wont come knocking on my door or ringing me asking for a friendly chat.  I have to force myself to go out there and find people.  It's still so hard for me to do but I do try and there are some people now, but still no one I just feel I can talk to at any time.  But it takes time to build these social networks up I guess.

I sometimes hear stories of drug addicts and alcoholics, and I think that I've done well to keep away from those problems myself.  I know we both have to deal with a lot by ourselves, which we both know exactly how difficult that is, so I think we both deserve massive pats on the back for not going down those paths.  Not having family around is so hard.  I only have my mother, brother and sister in law... that's it other than my partner and I have no idea who I'd cope without her.  The family I do have though, I don't speak to that much and certainly don't spend any time with them.

I could suggest all these things of how to get out in the community to find people to talk to to ease the loneliness, but even today I really struggle with talking to people I don't know face to face.  So I know how difficult it is.  I'm fine with doctors and nurses and people like that, so I don't know why I find it so hard with random people.  Maybe it's because professionals are paid to be there and talk to me so I don't have that fear that they'd rather just walk away from me.

This 'new-ish' friends you met at a club sounds promising.  I completely understand about not wanting to go into details about your mental health.  Not only do I think it might be a bit much to tell someone I've just met, but it might scare people off loading so much on them so fast.  So maybe we both feel the same in this regard. Hopefully, you can spend more time with this person and get to know each other better become good friends.  As you do and share more you may find you have a lot in common.

As for me recently.  I did mention that live weather cross I did last Wednesday to promote the Long Run fundraiser.  Obviously I can't share the video here because it's a bit hard to hide my identity in a video

M

[Lula]

@MJG017 

M I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry to read that you think I’m improving, because really I don’t think I am.  I didn’t say this before but I’ve lost a bit more weight and because of not even thinking about eating I have had a few dizzy spells, low blood sugar I guess. The blood test results were good, partly due to only eating foods that are good for me. I couldn’t even look at anything rich, fatty or sweet, no matter how good it looked, even though I would have not hesitated before. And after saying I needed to eat something about 1pm I didn’t get to it till about 20 minutes ago (4.15) and now I feel awful.

I sure do get disheartened because it does feel like one step forward and one back.  I’ve had a long run of minor challenges throughout this year and then my much loved dog had to go over the rainbow bridge because of a fall causing spine damage. It was such a shock to me, and I haven’t been able to cry because of the antidepressant effect.  Otherwise he was fine and had years left. He was so very much loved and I miss him terribly. So mixed in with all this is shock, and then the fallout with 3 people (2 separate situations) not long after which has brought me down to where I am now.

I do know, of course, about setting the alarm and I have done that lots of times, but last night I was extra tired and did go to bed thinking “well, if I wake up in time” - but I didn’t.

One thing about me that I’ve known for a long time is that if I’ve got a big job of some kind that I’m a bit daunted by, I always feel more motivated to do it when I have company helping, so here I am now with a huge job of getting myself out and over this anxiety and I have no company to do it with. Earlier this afternoon, after my email to you, I felt overwhelmingly tired and fell asleep in a outside chair for a while and I’ve not done much else since - I could have gone for a walk, but no motivation. It all just seemed too hard.  Then I start being hard on myself for not doing what I need so badly.  If I had someone here to push me a bit and be encouraging it would make so much difference. It someone was here I might have the motivation without their help. Their presence might be all I need. That seems so wimpy.

Good on you too M for not getting caught up in the drug and alcohol scene.  What I’ve seen on tv is shocking and beyond me to understand the how’s and why’s and when’s of it all, but in my case it’s really no great achievement. I experimented a bit with cigarettes when I was young (less than one packet) and marijuanna (4 or 5 times) but they had no impact on me at all really, certainly nothing that encouraged me to go further, and of course I’m VERY glad about that. Both my parents and my sister were heavy smokers and I lived with that as a passive smoker for years (because of the parents) but nothing has come of it that I know.

I was just about to say it’s time for me to go again, but then a thought popped into my head that I wanted to ask you before - have you ever done journaling as a way of sorting out your thoughts ? It’s one of the suggestions I’ve seen for people like us

bye M xx

[Lula]

@MJG017

Now I’m kicking myself again M !!! Kick kick

I forgot to say that you look very well in the screen grab on your local news - I think the camera was at the perfect angle to flatter you 😉 😜

[MJG017]

@Lula 

Now I don't mean to say that you seemed like you were on top of the world or anything like that.  I went back and read you initial posts and you do seem a bit less stressed.  I know a bit of it at the start was navigating this site but it just feels like you're slightly more 'on top of things' now.  That's not to say that most of your struggles aren't still there, but it just felt to me that you seemed to be handling them slightly better. 

One step back and one step forward is at least not a step back on the whole.  So even that is probably a win.  You have had some big loses that would make anyone in the same position very upset.  It will probably take some time but eventually the motivation will start to return and you'll start to feel more up to doing more things.  I was in the same sort of space for about 4 months to start the year off.  I have my partner here which did make it easier so I do understand it is much harder for you being on your own, but things will improve.

It doesn't sound wimpy at all.  Like I said I was really struggling at the start of the year for quite a while.  Even with the support of my partner here with me, it still took me a long time to start to feel motivated to do anything.  Even about a month ago, 1 told her I was going to bed at about 8pm, not because I was tired or unwell, I'd just had enough of being awake for the day.  If I was living alone back then, I doubt I would have gotten out of bed!  As it was, the couch was about as far as I got each day.  So i know how hard it is when we feel so down and unhappy and to think about how much harder it is for you living alone make me wish I could do more to help.

My parents were very heavy smokers as well so I lived with passive smoke for many years as well.  So it sounds like we have a similar experience with drugs and alcohol.  My experience was 1 cigarette and 2 puff of marijuana when I was young.  I did get drunk a few times in my 20s but that was about it. 

I've had people suggest journaling to me before.  I think it would be good, even just for something to go back and read later to see where I was in the past.  I guess I found this forum and my posts here, and on a couple of other online support groups, are my journal in a way.  It was definitely how I started to dig myself out of that hole I was in.  Have you tried it, or something similar.  A gratitude journal is another one I've had suggested to me a lot.

Thanks for the comment on my screen grab.  I'm not really sure there is a camera angle that would be flattering but I'll take your compliment.  I had to wear the tshirt for the fundraiser and is was a size too small so it felt too tight on me.  I've always liked my shirts a bit looser.

[Lula]

@MJG017

Hello M

How have your days been?

I think I’ve seen at least one of the recent changes how the forum is set up - that your last post to me is below now - or has it been like that all the time and I’ve not noticed ?
It’s turned quite cold and wet again where I live but there are places getting more rain than us. The next few days aren’t looking bright tho, and it makes it harder for me to go out. I got up about 10 this morning but I’m still in the same clothes. I know it’s not good to do that but somehow it’s easy to do, and it says a lot about where I’m at with the anxiety as well I guess.

It’s been an awful long slow day and now it’s just after 9pm. I’m exhausted.

I haven’t really got much to say M, because nothing has changed, I don’t feel better, I’m so sick of it all and of talking (writing) about it too. I just seem to be going around in circles that go nowhere. I really do wonder how much lower I can go.

I’ve reached out to one of the two people I had the upset (upset ?) with, in the hope of sorting things out, and we are going to meet up on Sunday afternoon. I might have a story to tell then M. Bye 👋

[tyme]

Hey @Lula ,

Great to see you pop by.

Hope things go well with your meet up on Sunday.

[MJG017]

Hi @Lula 

This week has been quite good.  A couple of nice sunny days... which was a really nice change from recent months.  I'm still busy with quite a few things, but i'm looking to take it a bit easier and not take on too much.

I haven't really noticed a change on how the last posts are placed.  I'll keep an eye out and see if anything there seems different.

I cant criticise anyone for being in the same clothes at night that they were when they got up.  If I dont have to go out, I do tend to do that sometimes when I'm just feeling like I cant be bothered.  The sorts of days where I just sit around all day watching TV or something.

I hope your meetup on Sunday goes well and you can all come to a good resolution for everyone involved.  Maybe that will go a long way to letting you feel like you're heading in the right direction.  You're trying things and you keep replying to me so hopefully this, and other efforts start make you feel like things are getting a bit better and that tou do have a bit more support around you.  I totally understand that its hard to replace just sitting down with someone facw to face and have a nice chat.  So maybe this will improve for you on Sunday.  I look forward to hearing the story of how it went and I really hope its a happy one.

Take care and I hope your weekend is a nice one.

[Lula]

@MJG017 

Hello M

Oh silly me.  It's Saturday but I woke up this morning thinking it was Sunday, when I was supposed to have that meet up. I could feel my anxiety levels rising so much thinking about having that conversation, what to say, what not to say and just knew I couldn’t do it, so I sent a text to say that

It’s another cold and rainy day and two more of the same to come, so the forecast says. Spring weather can be all over the place but this year it’s just crazy.

I've realised that our posts are still in the Welcome thread - does that matter M ?

Attached is a pic of one of the messages from yesterday, 2 others replied to discussion.  Had a few before, but I can’t see the replies - how do I do that please ?

It’s nearly 1pm and I haven’t eaten anything yet so I’d better do that, though I’m still having problems with eating much

bye M

[MJG017]

Hi @Lula 

Talks like that are very difficult and stressful, for me anyway.  I hate them and always try to avoid them.  So I can't say anything about you not going.  That anxiety is so hard to ignore.  The amount of things in my life I've just made decisions not to do that I know may well have been good or beneficial... well, lets' just say i've long lost count of.  It's not even the event itself that causes me not to go, it's just the anxiety gets so bad I just need to make it go away.  At least you sent a message though.  If they don't understand then I doubt they would have had much more sympathy had you turned up anyway.  On the subject of confusing days... I do it all them time.  I find myself having to think more and more about what day it is.  If there's a public holiday then it feels like a saturday or sunday and it throws me off for days.  It's the same if my partner takes a day off... I'm so used to it being the weekend if she's home when I get up, that if it happens during the week, I lose track.

The weather is crazy here as well.  It was forecast for 25 here today  but it's already overcast and windy and is supposed to rain later on.  It seems we're lucky to get one nice day and then the rain comes back.

I don't think it matter's if this discussion is still in the welcome thread.  I've seen admins move discussions if they're better off in a different space. 

I've not seen that message your posted before.  Where do you see that?  When I'm checking replies to me, I ether click on the link in the email letting me know or mostly using the 'bell' icon (just to the left of my little avatar picture) to see of list of replies and posts i've had supported.  Like this...

then I can just click on the Re: bit to read the reply.  That's how I do it anyway.

I'm sorry you're still having problems eating.  I wont say how important it is, because I know you know.  But do try to and take care of yourself.