Lived Experience Forum

[Elk]

So this my first time posting here as I am feeling very distressed and have been for a while I guess. I have not been diagnosed with anxiety or depression but have been seeing a psychologist (only twice now) after I thought it may be beneficial for me and of which I do rate on the anxiety and depression scales. I have always struggled with feeling 'wrong' or out of place, but this has all been exacerbated lately with my partner. 

He does not treat me the best (he isn't abusive) but I just feel like he doesn't care if I am around or not. We never do anything, he never makes me feel special or wanted. He has his own mental health problems that I have always supported him with, and he has no idea I feel this way as I do not discuss it with him. He always talks about leaving the country to go overseas to escape his life, and leaving me behind as I do not really fit in with his plans. I know that I deserve a better relationship and essentially there is no point as he is planning on leaving (very up in the air plans at the moment which makes it harder as I am stuck in limbo) but I still love him and am trying to make it work but I am so damn sick and tired of always trying so hard and getting nothing. I hate that the way I feel is tied so much to him. I used to be in a great loving relationship a couple of years ago with someone different, who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with until he just broke it off one day as he wanted to be alone

Additionally, I am 28 and all of my friends are married or engaged and have bought a house and all of that stuff that you do when you find 'someone'. I feel so left behind and as time goes on and my relationship gets progressively worse I just feel so down and like none of this stuff will happen. I am close with my immediate family and have a lot of good friends so I do have a support network but I find it hard to reach out to them because I feel they are so happy and doing so well in their lives that I just can't, or they know my relationship problems and will just tell me to end it. Which I know but it is easier said than done, plus I know I will still feel empty even if I did end it. 

I always feel like I do not belong to this world, like it wasn't meant for me. The way I like to describe it is that there is an invisible barrier in between me and the rest of the world, and I just can't connect to it. I perpetually feel empty and rarely feel like I experience any kind of emotion anymore. I just go through the motions. I have a good job which I enjoy, I have friends, I have family, I have a roof over my head, I exercise, I engage in hobbies - I feel I should have nothing to complain about yet I go through such intense periods of psychological distress and if I was not around anymore would anyone even care or miss me, and I don't know why. Does anyone else feel the same?

[Former-Member]

Hi @Elk - and welcome to Sane. Oh yes, I have and still can do, feel the same. It's typical of depression and self doubt. The remedy - valuing ourselves more.

Bad experiences with others and past hurts can leave us feeling this way. Our confidence is directly lowered in ourselves in some areas as a result (I.e. Personal relationships difficulties).

I hear you - you have a lot to live for, close family, good job and friends but you are not happy. You feel numb and low. I personally would say this has a lot to do with the painful experiences you have experienced and still are experiencing, with your intimate relationships/partners - being in love then left for dead, and now another partner wanting to go overseas without you - that would of hurt badly and your self esteem would of and be still taking a real blow opening the door to depression (mild but best to address it in early stages - working on self value. Success with this is to not only recognise the good in ourselves, but to be around others who value us).

You are perhaps feeling inadequate as a result, unfullfilled as if there is something missing in you because of your breakdown in relationships - then you feel this is your failure to connect. And when we feel this way we can second guess our personal worth and connectedness to the world, (i.e feeling we are not worthy of love on that level - and therefore do not belong). When in reality it simply was not, and presently is not, meant to be. I may be way off course here, but that's the feeling I gained from reading your post.

From what you have described nothing could be further from the truth. You have a loving close family, friends and are a success at your job. Something many have not achieved. To have the latter you are definantly connecting in a positive way with others  - you are not feeling or perceiving this connectedness because you are focusing on what is missing, the things (intimacy) that is not working presently in your life (I.e. Intimate relationships). Which in turn is making you feel empty.

Through also comparing with what seems greener and on the other side (friends are married, inlove, house, kids etc, and you are left out), and you may then perceive yourself as failing to achieve this, hence "failing to connect" in deep love. When in fact you have achieved a lot and are connecting with a lot of other people in different types of personal relationships - which are equally as important. But we just zone in on what's missing and feel we can't be happy without it. This can suppress the joy in all other good things.

Many may appear to be happily married etc but most like yourself, will not tell anyone when things go wrong or they are not happy in their marriages - many have problems finding suitable compatible partners. 

I do have a loving partner but I did not meet him until I was 33 (second husband). And it took a lot of soul searching to arrive at that place within so I was ready to meet him. I was ready for intimacy (starts with genuine friendship, knowing my own purpose/values and intuitively knowing the other person is genuine with getting to know if we share the "same values" also). I do believe in fate, not coincidence, when meeting the right person is involved. It has to be the right time. That's been my experience anyway. And if I had stayed with the wrong person out of fear of being alone, I would never have had the opportunity to meet the love of my life. 

I think we need to ask ourselves - can we see ourselves happy being with a person for the rest of our lives that makes us feel less about ourselves and the world? - that devalues us? Is that truly love? - would we be fulfilled?  Is it right?  Could I grow with this person? And then be honest to ourselves, make a decision to commit or not and take it from there. 

 And so I took a leap of faith - as I have done with most things in my life and that's when I have truly achieved. Being with the right person has helped me grow as a person as he makes me feel special and cared for - it enhanced my self worth. I move away from anyone who brings that down. I would rather be on my own with dignity then made to feel redundant or used. Had enough of feeling that way as a child. It leaves scars.

I have the relationship I craved but can still get down and feel disconnected for different reasons. Valuing myself totally is for me still a work in progress (I suffered childhood abuse and other abuses), but I would not have survived this far without my husband's love...he raises my worth...I have no family and I work on purpose and my own health  - once that self value has evolved I will be there. Hope this has helped 🤗

[Appleblossom]

I can relate to feeling an invisible barrier between me and everybody else in the world. It was very strong and insurmountable from when I was aroun14 to mid 30s.  SInce then I have felt it dissolve. Weird but true.  I hope you feel moments of connection reading and posting here.

@ElkLovely name.

Edited to change to POSTing ... bloomin predictive text or my typos???

[CheerBear]

Hi @Elk. It is great to see you here and posting. I tried to reply earlier but had trouble replying to this thread.

I read your post feeling sad to think of a there being a barrier between yourself and the rest of the world that's stopping you from being able to connect 😞 Feeling not connected to people/the world etc is something that I think can really cause problems for us social beings.

I have not been in the situation that you describe with your friends, though I hear of similar stories often. I experienced some detachment from my friends as I had a baby when I was quite young which meant that my peer group and I had quite different lives, like it sounds you do with yours. It was really hard and I think it contributed to feeling like I couldn't reach out to them too.

I'm really sorry to hear that your partner doesn't seem to care and that he is planning on leaving you behind. That must be so hard also. Leaving a relationship can be so much easier said than done. Hearing you there too.

I really wish there was more I could say than I am hearing you. It seems like you have so much insight into what's going on for you and why, so I guess really I just wanted to say hi and that you're not alone here. Feeling connected is something I get a lot from being here, and I hear others say often too. Hope it helps you to be here. Love your avatar by the way.

[NatalieS]

Thankyou @Former-Memberwell said.

[NatalieS]

Well said @CheerBear

[utopia]

@Elk - just because you love someone does not mean you should be with them. It simply means you love them.
Yes in your late 20's friends start getting married, buying property or having kids. But not everyone. I didn't have my son until I was almost 32. You may not feel it, but there is still plenty of time for you to find your right partner. One who thinks of you before making life changing decisions. One who truly knows the meaning of the words Love & Relationship.
You have family friends, a good job, interests.. yes people would miss you terribly if you were gone. Just maybe not this man.

[Elk]

Hey everyone. Thank you for the lovely welcome. Apologies as I am not good with tech so may not be able to work this properly! I posted originally at work when I had internet that worked, now I’m at home and it’s like a big black hole of no internet here so apologies about the short comment! Your comments have all been comforting actually. It’s nice to be able to post and have people you’ve never met care and comment back. I will attempt the tagging and a longer reply and when I have access to a real computer and internet! I hope you are all having a peaceful night x

[Elk]

@Former-Member (I hope I did that right! May have to fix) I think you really hit the nail right on the head hey. And same with you @utopia and @CheerBear @Former-Member thank you for sharing your story with me. I am really happy that you found a loving partner who enhances your self-worth. Good people are out there, is is hard to find them sometimes. But I do believe that you need to be in the right place yourself and it needs to be the right time, I am  ahuge believer in that. 

I totally understand how I feel and why but it is hard to feel people who feel the same or understand so it is really nice to get that. So I wanted to say a big thank you to all. I have been feeling better today, I have been trying to concentrate on other things in my life, and I had a nice chat to my dad the other nighr about some unrelated things - he is a very good man who I look up to, so I am lucky to have him. I also try to be grateful in what I have in my life because I know that having a roof over my head and water to drink is so much more than some people have - and then I have added bonuses like my friends and family so reading your comments made me appreciate that moreso than I have in a while. 

@Appleblossom thank you for the comment on my name 🙂 I wanted something that had a couple of letters from my name and Elk sounded nice. And @CheerBear I am of course, a cat lady. I love all animals of course but cats are lovely creatures. Maybe I can relate to them on some level. Apologies I did not get to reply yesterday, I was not at work and the internet at my home so so dreadful! Please reach out to me, if you guys need - in the online world, of course (when hopefully the internet is restored to my house!). 

I hope you are all having a lovely day, I am very tired and trying not to fall asleep at work! x

[utopia]

So glad you are doing so well today @Elk. Keep that positive attitude going. ♥