Lived Experience Forum

[Sahara]

Hello to everyone. I guess my problems aren't as serious as some of the others here on Sane Forums.... but if you want a bit of light reading, then please read on. 

I've always had some social anxiety, which was at it's worst when I was a child and young teenager. I'm 46 now and I am usually able to navigate social situations adequately and even have a good time in the company of friends who I have known for ages. 

Some people have even described me as "bubbly" which really just shows that I can be a good actress, more than anything else!

I am mostly a very serious, thoughtful, reserved and introverted person who does not find much joy in socializing for the sake of being social. I do, however have a lot of interests and can happily talk to people who share my interests, especially if the conversation is purposeful (like having to plan an event), and not just making chit-chat to be polite. 

Recently, my husband and I bought a house.... but I did not feel like telling anyone about it. I should have been excited but I was mainly just stressed, as I detest having to move house and all the upheaval involved. I have also been dealing with my Dad being sick and him being in and out of hospital.

My Mum died last year and I think I became slightly more reclusive after that. I mainly seem to be hanging out with my husband all the time (which has been great.)

Now I am faced with telling my friends my new address and phone number when they did not even know that I was moving! It's so weird how disconnected I feel from them, even though we have shared so much in the past. I wish I found it easier to share things with people and that my friends could bring me a sense of comfort, but they just don't seem to. In fact, I find all their questions intrusive! 

I suffered from a major bout of depression in the past and at that time I felt very unsupported by my family, my then-partner and to a lesser extent, my firends. I sometimes think that this has made me feel bitter towards people, even though my depression has healed now and I have gotten on with life.

When I am alone and doing stuff I enjoy, like my artwork, I actually feel quite good- like, better than ever.

Can anyone relate to this? 

[Former-Member]

Yes @Sahara. I can. I think for me it's more me relating to my friends rather than them not being there for me. I think we change so much through my mental health battles and the divide becomes greater. I'm not sure about you but maybe you feel more defensive about questions from friends now more than you would I'd have before. I know I do and I think it's more me than them. However my friends (friends for 30 years) always still hold their hands out its just soooo much harder for me to connect now, we seem to be poles apart on many things. Not sure if this helps @Sahara. Wishing you well 😊💜

[Sahara]

Thanks so much for replying, @Former-Member. It means a lot to me that someone read this. I am having a bit of a bad day today- I'm mainly just exhausted from moving house, I guess. Still, I am relieved that the move is over and I am trying to get all excited about our new house but I must have lost the excitement centre in my brain somewhere along the line...!

I find it hard to get excited about anything, these days. And yet, I do not think I am depressed.

I am like you... it's me who has the problem relating to my friends; they have not changed. They are basically very, very good people who I have no real complaints against. I just feel that I might have to pretend to be excited about my life when I talk to them and I am not excited, just stressed. 

I suppose it's up to me to explain to them why I am feeling so stressed and why I have neglected to fill them in on everything in my life that happens, as soon as it does (like buying the house). I suppose deep down, I don't feel that they will understand my level of stress surrounding all the life changes that I've been through lately. I feel like it might be even more stressful for me to have to describe how I have been feeling!

But talking about stuff is meant to make us feel better, isn't it?? So something maybe isn't quite right with me at the moment. 

thanks so much for being there, @Former-Member

[Sehnsucht]

You are relatable!

Had to fight to get family assistance in preparation for our last move. Just needed a few days child free. More forceful requests from my partner on my behalf got there in end. But so draining and feels like you're imposing and stressing others when it's like that.

Hope you don't have Mt. Boxville months later like we do lol xxx

[Acacia]

Hi @Sahara

Congratulations on the new house

I’m glad you’ve shared how you’re feeling today. Anxiety isn’t necessarily comparable from one person to another and even something that seems small can be really upsetting.

I often find that talking about things makes me feel better, even if the thought of talking is daunting. Has it helped to talk about things here? Just wondering if maybe it feels like it won’t help to talk to your friends, but perhaps it actually could help, if that makes sense. Just a thought anyways.

And thanks for sharing a bit about you.

[Former-Member]

@Sahara. So sorry for all the mistakes in my last post and probably this post too. I forgot to say how hard the move is. Mine was two months ago and I fell into a huge hole after I moved even though I'd been doing ok whilst moving dealing with the stress. I used to struggle with house inspections so much when I was renting too. My anxiety would go through the roof.
I also wanted to say that I get the conversation with friends who don't experience mi is really hard. I have one friend who I've told over time so much, even my SI. She openly said she doesn't get it or understand it at all but said she would be there no matter what and she is. At first this was hard for me but now I love I can tell her anything and she can switch off from it and not let it change the next interaction we have. She has got used to me being a bit Fortest Gump ( like a box of chocolates and you'll never know what you'll get) . She often makes humour out of my crazy which makes me feel more normal we laugh and sometimes her humour at my situation brings me back to earth a bit. I know she is an exception but I hid it from her for a couple of years before I really opened up. My point is that sometimes opening up to friends can yield unexpected results. At first it was daunting that she couldn't relate but now I love that she can't. She checks in on me every couple of days and is always there if I need her. I try not to rely on her too much though as she has a busy life (family and high pressure job) and need her first and foremost to be my friend not carer. I hope I haven't got too far off track, apologies if I have. Go easy on yourself after the move. There is lots of adjusting to come. Take care😊💐💜

[Sahara]

Hi @Sehnsucht,

I'm glad you got hep with child-care in the end. Sometimes we have to be very upfront about what our needs are with others, or else we will not be heard. 

Luckily, my husband and I were able to do all the moving ourselves with a van my husband was allowed to borrow from his work. It was a lot of heavy lifting for me, though, and I am not exactly fit!

Thank you so much for writing here, @Sehnsucht. I feel less alone when I know people are reading my posts. I feel so fortunate to have people like you prepared to listen and respond.

[Sahara]

Hi @Acacia,

I think you are basically right.... once I feel a bit less exhausted it will be a good thing to start talking to my friends and explain why I was so quite about buying the house. I have to speak my truth even if I am difficult to understand.... because other people want me to be excited but I'm just not. 

Thank you so much for taking the time to write, @Acacia. You have no idea how good it makes me feel that people are actually reading this! 

[Appleblossom]

I can relate to your thread title @Sahara

In the last few years I feel more comfortable socially than I did earlier in life. Though I still am reluctant to talk ... "friends" ... just too busy and not much luck ... maybe its my choosing .. but I suspect I had less choice in the matter than many people could realise.

There was this whole thing about D&M ... that it was not cool or not mature or or ... to talk about the deep and meaningful .. so in the end I deliverately turned to the deep and meaning in religion ... I have always been able to use few words ... can do and am very used to silence ..  may be interpreted as being abrupt .. and through "therapy" I have discovered the dubious delights of being garrulous.

Find a way to get to the point about sharing the new address .. include ambivalence or level of work and stress ... honestly at my age most people moan about moving house ... my last move was all done by me with 8 year old child in tow ... boxville is fine .. it took as long as it took ... my mother accompanied me on the day of the move .. and I had invited her to our regular trips to see our patch of clay change ... grow pipes ... bricks .. roof ...and she had all the fun of the new house .. and we celebrated her ... but then she got snarky ... it was jealousy ... she was no use in helping me make the big decisions .. when I was terrified I might make a mistake .. and set up my sister as rival, bought a house for her and excluded me .. I thought we would be finally be happy and have lots of lovely long walks and meals and do music and see movies .. but not with .. my mum .. she was out to prove herself endlessly right.

You dont really know how people are going to react... but it is a job we need to do .. if you want them to know the new address ..

Its hard to know really who are the 'good' people and who are not .. its great if you share their values ... dont worry about it so much ... some say be 'careful of the company you keep' .. but for me the directive was to get on with the particular person that was next to me or around me ... maybe I internalised it and justified it in a christian social justice of manner ... so I took up with who presented did not believe in judgement .. but fear of rejection and anxiety is in most people to some degree ...

[Sahara]

Hi @Appleblossom, and hello to @Former-Member, too. And all.

@Appleblossom, thanks so much for your very thoughtful reply. I am sorry to hear that your Mum was jealous of you... that must have felt terrible. Our Mums are supposed to be our greatest allies, but sometimes they fall very fall short of the ideal, don't they?

I always had a difficult relationship with my Mum, too. She was one weird woman. I wonder if she was sometimes jealous of me because I was born into a different generation where women have more freedom? Dunno.

I am like you- I prefer to talk about deep and meaningful stuff with my friends and get frustrated with meaningless gossip. And I feel that people have become more competitive now and love to compare what one person has against another person... like life is one big competition. It makes me very, very uncomfortable. That's what I was getting at when I said that I find my friend's questions "intrusive".

I feel like they are not primarily concerned with how happy I am, but with how much I have!!!  As though the two things are one in the same!

One of my friends even seemed extremely annoyed when my husband's family gave us quite a bit of money for our wedding a few years ago. She went as far as to say that "They have already given your husband enough; they shouldn't have given him more."  This really upset me. After that, I did not want to have to tell anyone anything about what we have and how fortunate we have been. Except that they keep asking freaking questions!!!

But I am really trying to get beyond this and roll with the punches a bit more in life.