Hi my SAD friends & those checking in (far & few between these days but take what i can get). LOL had to chuckle at a comment my son put in an email: "you seem much more stable lately" (while living with / caring for dad this last x6 months). Interesting how ppl see us. Hes pretty critical of me actually (looka for fault) but part of me is saying "what would you know? " i've been so hurt by him and ppl closest to me. Its like theyre being uses by evil to destroy me - so disregarding. An example of this is giving my son $1000 to help fly him to nans funeral. He chose to stay with my toxic sister & her boys x3 out of the four days & slept moat his 18hrs with me. Its sometimes like they deliberately do things to pierce me through. But accept for sis who is schemingly vindictive / knows better, most people just selfish nongivers and use us up. So holding back the giving a little has become a survival thing now, for me. Not getting so 'hurt' - Stop feeding the monster of despair. I think my son notices i'm not so easily hurt (outwardly reactive) to his cruel comments - in his mind this makes me "more stable" - in his eyes.
One good thing about getting older and tired... is not having enough energy - body intelligence kicks in and blocks the anxiety & overreacting. Just dont have the energy.
Only last night my son rang while walking home from work and when i xommented it was hard to hear him over the traffic, ppl talking & what sounded like dropping his phone in a fishbowl, he blasted me about complaining again and to put up with it as this is the only timeslot he has to talk with me for another week... Part of me felt hurt (again), cause I've been trying to ring him for a week and long to connect, but yes well, the pain doesnt help. Like everything wrong in his life is cause of me. I wonder if he'll miss me when i die. I work at 'dying to self' more with him than anyone in the whole world. Only God knows how hard its been.
At my psych session i found myself blurting out again how how my son would be better off if i die - he'll get the house... What i'm really trying to say is that i'm too much trouble for him or anyone alive, or 'not good enough' and since my value as a human being (to them & most ppl) seems to rest in WHAT I HAVE TO OFFER THEM, then the house, things, money is more important than my essence... I dont really miss my mum, she WAS bitter and cruel, maybe i am the same. It all just gets so sad to dwell on.
Ha, just when i thought i was in a great place of denial - bro3 visits, puts history channel on tv and Nostradamas has apparently predicted 2018 start of WW3 when NewYork is hit by Nuclear Bomb. Well, just bloody great! my internal anxiety levels hit the roof, back stabbing Bro3 left announcing he'll call in later (after we already sacrificed our morning Cafe trip for his visit - now we have to wait for his return... which of cause didnt happen... ), anyway, wjo says theres no evil forces. If i were home i'd not let him in, but here they do have the right to visit dad, i guess, as toxic as it is for me - dad lights up a little to see them.
But what was i saying
Year, just wanna stay in bed...
Self care is slipping - as it does this time of year. Yesterday after a rare stream of x3 brief visiters, i realised i was still in the clothes i slept in (they dont know that), hadn't properly done my hair and
didnt have a bra on. And 'me'went to bed the same, without brushing teeth again. And here i am - woke 3am again, unable to fall back to sleep, like the last
few days... Not to mention the nightmares. But i did bring inDx2 loadsawashing fold & put away, and dishes, and lunch for Bro3, and dad is showered, clean, hydrated, medicated and fed / stable, and i love being here for him, but yes, needing to watch out for myself a bit better. Nobody else can.
