Lived Experience Forum

[Bron1206]

Hi there.

I was diagnosed with pnd last year after the birth of my second child. We had many health issues with her along with her being "high needs", it was such a horrid time and at one point I was suicidal. I was on medication and received great support from my family and friends and have been doing well. I have found that the friendship with two close friends has completely changed since they were exposed to the severe stage of my pnd. We rarely see or speak to each other and when we arrange catch ups they tend to cancel last minute, giving numerous excuses. I have spoken to them about this however they assure me we are fine and not to worry however their actions speak louder than their words. I find my life has been turned upside down since my diagnosis and I feel lonely and isolated at times. Does anyone have some advice on how to cope with these changes? I feel like I've lost my two closest friends

[kristin]

Dear @Bron1206 

A very warm welcome to the forums. Thanks for your honest and open post. It takes a lot of courage to join the conversation. You've come to the right place.

Sorry to hear about your struggles, and really pleased to hear you are going well now. Your second child sounds a little like my youngest. She's nearly 7 and is still relatively high needs, though thankfully most of the physical health issues are resolved or well managed now, now we are working on the emotional ones.

Unfortunately some friendships don't survive the difficulties of mental illness, even when it is of limited duration. Many people find it terribly confronting, even frightening. I have lost friends over the years due to my illness, including my best friend when my older kids were little. I was judged for being unwell.

Your sense that their actions are speaking louder is quite possible. How often has this happened? It may be that they just can't face up to it honestly themselves, and so are making excuses then making excuses for making excuses. This is very painful stuff.

I wonder if @PANDA have any support groups for parents recovering from PND? I'm sure you are not alone in this situation. In the meantime here's a thread about friendships and MI which I hope you might find somewhat helpful. Feel free to jump in and join the conversation, and please keep posting.

Take care of you.

Hope for resilient friendship endures...

Kindest regards, 

Kristin

[PANDA]

Hi @Bron1206 

It was touching to read your incredibly honest post today. We are glad to hear that you have made a good recovery from PND after going through such a horrid time.

It is very sad that your two close friends have not been able to stick with you since you have had PND. It was courageous of  you to broach the changes that you have felt with them and it sounds as though they are not willing or able to go there with you. This is obviously a great loss for you at a time when you feel lonely and need good friends. For now, you may have to accept that they do not have the life experience or communication skills to relate to what you have been through. They may be feeling inadequete and guilty but are unable to say so.

This would be a great time to check out PND support groups where you will be able to share your experiences in a safe and supportive environment. PND support groups provide opportunities for developing new and healing friendships with women who have been through intensely painful postnatal experiences. They provide a sense of all being in the same boat even though you will all have had unique experiences. You will find people who accept you as you are at this time in your life and also have the opportunity to support others who have been through similarly painful times. 

I hope that you are able to re-connect with your old friends down the track. Perhaps you could let them know that you understand that it has been very confronting for them to see you so unwell and understandable that they may not know how to respond. In the meantime though, I encourage you to reach out to find friends who will ‘get’ what you have been through. At PANDA, we provide referrals to groups, counsellors and other support services for families in the perinatal period. We would love to hear from you, either to talk this through some more, as well as looking for referrals to support groups in your area (1300 726 306). 

Thanks again for your post which I am sure will resonate with many other readers. It is such a gift to others who are struggling with similar issues.

We are so glad that you are able to share your thoughts and feelings. 

A big cyber hug from the PANDA Team!