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Looking after ourselves

Re: Just checking in.

Thanks heaps @Zoe7 😊 I still have those woohoo feelings from yesterday. When life first went bang I remember asking uni for "a week, maybe two" to get back on my feet. More than 2 years later and I'm still trying to do that 😏 I have a feeling you can understand the joy of seeing positive steps on what's been a long journey.

It's great to hear you had some decent sleep last night. It's been a tricky week for you and a quieter weekend sounds like a great plan. Not too long until holidays ❤

@Teej I am thinking of you this morning wondering how you're going today and what you have on for the weekend. Do you have much to prepare for your bros arrival? It's a pretty big stress thing for you and with those emotions of this time last year, I'm thinking that you might have a bit of that 'keep it together' thing happening. I find that one really hard and the pressure that extra people around can bring can be physically and emotionally exhausting. I hope there's some calm, inside and out, for you. I hear it's good gardening weather - I wonder if you could take some of what you learned in your Gardening Australia podcast out in to your garden? 😉

Speaking of gardening, our yard is a jungle and that's what I'm in need of doing this weekend. I have had a tricky thing happening since the pickle at the end of last year. I haven't been able to go into the vegetable garden. My counsellor and I think it is probably a symbolic something (vege garden = fertility, growth, new life etc.) Being I spent so much time out there before the oopsies happened and then took the step to close that chapter right by the vegetable garden, just being around it has flooded me with yucky feelings and I've avoided it since. It is a huge job and with a house inspection soon, I can't put it off any longer. I also feel ready to get out there again now so my goal today is to at least start on it.

Hugs for all ❤🌈

Re: Just checking in.

Totally get that feeling that when things go 'bang' you think you just need a couple of weeks @CheerBear and much like you that stretched to a couple of years. I have litlle or no idea of what happened in 2017 - basically slept through the whole year and I still find it hard to understand or believe how sick I was. The me now is getting back to the me before post bang but there is still a long way to go to get to a place where I can say I will be okay. Work is a double edged sword right now - I am still loving being back but some days I don't think I can face it - and that is mostly the tiredness coming through again. I am really hoping that I will not fall back into old thoughts - I have felt those creeping in the last couple of weeks. I think, for the most part, I am holding it together at work. Yesterday morning was really tough to get through - all I wanted to do was sleep and I could barely keep my eyes open but I got through the day and managed to get Toby to the vet before I came home and fell asleep. I do feel a bit more awake this morning but I am body weary and will probably sleep again pretty soon - that is also a clear indication that I am not quite right!


I understand your gardening dilemma CB - those associations with our negative exeriences can be quite pronounced. It is sometimes good to expose ourselves to the cause of those associations to help us get through them. Even though it is really tough for you it may also be therapeautic to get back into the veggie garden - a further letting go of some of those difficult thoughts maybe. You will only know if you try and knwoing that there is an inspection due soon may be just the motivation you need to push through. Very much hearing you though on why you haven't been able to get into that part of the garden Smiley Sad


@Teej Thinking of you also Hon and hoping the time with your bro is not as difficult as it has been previously Heart

Re: Just checking in.

Morning @CheerBear , @Zoe7 , @Faith-and-Hope  and anyone else reading.


it was so good to read your post about yesterday @CheerBear . There is so much to celebrate there. 


@Zoe7  You are doing well to hang in there. I am getting how hard it is right now trying to keep your head above water. I think it would be the same kind of feeling as having a new born. At first the adrenaline and love and support and newness is awesome, then at some point sleep deprivation and fatigue set in and it’s a slog to push through. 


Youve both managed to put me through my paces of humanness this week 😘😳. I have experienced lots of emotions I don’t usually feel reading your posts. It’s all a good thing even though I didn’t like some of the emotions. Jealousy was one that doesn’t often enter my system but I think it kind of did in that I felt I was being left behind. I was so thrilled for the good news posts but scared too that maybe I won’t be able to write them. I think @Zoe7  reading about how hard it is to maintain it all scared me and gave me a reality check. I’m writing this because it’s been part of my learning. Please please don’t ever stop writing the posts because of this. I need to read it all. 


You are really both so inspiring (with how you deal with the good and the bad) and I am so grateful for the opportunity to follow your day to day lives and feel a part of it. 


I am going through lots of sorting out in my head stuff. I’ve had some really great support from the sane helpline in the past few weeks helping me to know myself better, and try to work out what support I need and how to try to get it. 


I get the gardening thing too @CheerBear that would be the kind of thing I’d do too. I hope to can get on top of it and maybe change a few little things as the new beginning of CB new adventures creating a fulfilling and rewarding life. 





Re: Just checking in.

@Teej I think that jealous feeling is quite natural when you see others doing what you want to do but haven't quite got there yourself yet - it is not a bad thing though - see it as a desire to want to do more and motivation to try to get there. None of those things come easy and you have been one of the people that have been through a hell of a lot with me over the last couple of years - so we both know how hard it has been. Do not underestimate either the influence you have had on me getting to where I am - your support and that of others has been invaluable - so in a way I am seeing my progress as everyone's here because you have all had a hand in me getting where I am. Heart


Life is a bit tougher for me presently and I love you compaing it to a new born and the phases you go through. I am certainly so much more tired now and it is getting more and more difficult to get through the work day - some of that is the repetition and boredom of doing the same things with the same people but I am still constantly getting thanks from people at work for doing what I am doing and that keeps me going. It is so nice to have such a supportive group of people around me - both at work and here on the forum - those warm fuzzies from everyone are really helping me to feel a lot better about myself despite the very real exhaustion I am feeling. I will bounce back Hon - I believe that - it is just a slump for now and as @Faith-and-Hope has said - likely a backwash of a lot of emotions with a lot of things happening alongside me working. Those things may have pulled me right down in the past but I am getting through them alongside working and that is progress.


You have come so very far yourself @Teej and despite you being hit by some big buses lately you continue to keep going - and seek and receive support - I am truly inspired by you (and have been more a long time) - it takes one amazing person to tackle what you do and yet still get up each day and want more for yourself. Don't stop being you because you is pretty terrific Heart

Re: Just checking in.

Thank you for being brave and for sharing such real stuff @Teej. Thank you also for always being so supportive and encouraging even when you might be feeling some wonky feels. Jealousy is a funny one. I have a sibling who started their course as I was nearing the end of mine. Their course had never been an interest to them up until that point and was much closer to the type of subjects I was studying. I'm watching them coming closer to the end now (this year) and it hurts me. They're doing so well, loving it and being massively rewarded for it. I am thrilled for them but in a way I'm jealous. I'm angry that isn't me and I wonder if it will ever be me. It feels impossible to imagine sometimes. I hate saying that I feel like that but I wanted to share because I think it's important to talk real even when real isn't exactly sunshine and lollipops. I hear you and get it I think. I feel thankful to know you and to get to share your realness. I really appreciate you and your you-ness Teej.

I'm glad you've had some really helpful support. It's so important.

I was looking at the vegetable garden after I've just whipper snipped and mowed (half of the yard) when your post came through. It was cool timing.

Big ❤ Keep on keeping on.

Re: Just checking in.

Thank you @CheerBear , @Zoe7  for being you and your beautiful responses. 


@CheerBear  I can imagine the mixed feelings you have around study and your sibling. It would seem very unfair. I know you’ll get to throw that graduation hat in the air one day. Keep believing because I believe you can (just not now...this month 😜😘). 


Re: Just checking in.

I agree with @Teej here @CheerBear You too will get there one day but just not at this point in your life. You have done so much in the last couple of months - and dealt with so much - yet you continue to shine - one day you will get there and it will seem even more of a reward for you with everything you have been through. Believe in yourself Hon as we believe in you Heart


@Teej To me you are amazing too Hon - and if I need to remind you of that periodically then that is what I will do  Heart

Re: Just checking in.

Just sticking my two-bob’s worth in here lovelies ..... I know I have stepped into study, but it is and will remain under the shadow of our hidden family crisis ..... until that break-through moment that may actually never come.  At times, if I let those feelings escape for a little while from where I have them caged, I am looking in the window to where others have diagnosis, treatment, understanding, support, validation, more stable future prospects, etc .....


Just sayin’ .

Re: Just checking in.

@Faith-and-Hope It is important though that you recognise that you stepping back into study is also helping your family. Your kids are proud of you and you are showing them the way through what is an incredibly difficult situation you are all living within - that is something pretty huge Hon. They can see not only your care for them but your determination to continue moving forward - both of which must ineviatbly be helping them to move forward also. It is true that there may never be a diagnosis for Mr. but you continue to hope and believe that there is a better path forward - and every day you are living that with being sucha shining example to your kids that there is that way forward despite what is going on in everyone's lives. Keep doing what you are doing and continue to have faith and belief that it can and will get better Heart

Re: Just checking in.

I managed to get into the vegetable garden yesterday. It was demolition gardening - probably my favourite kind. I tore down some incredibly ginormous vines that had taken over, pulled lots of weeds and chopped lots of stuff up. It's going to take me some time to get it back to where I want it but it was a start. I had some music on and went into my own little world and it felt cathartic to be doing what I was. I cleared a small corner of the patch and at the very end of the day I planted some flower seeds. They might not grow as the soil really isn't ready, but it was symbolic and felt right to imagine some new life in there again. Feels. Lots of them.

I woke up today wondering how long this good time might last. I wonder whether I'm kidding myself in thinking I'm turning a corner. How do you know when you're 'back on track'? What if it all comes crashing down? What if I'm taking on more than I can handle in the longer run because right now it feels OK? Am I setting myself up to fail? Will I cope if I crash? These feelings of being in a better place haven't really been there for a while. Can I trust them?

I'm thinking out loud. It's that nagging feeling that I guess has come from years of life not going as planned and lots of dark and twisted happening. I want to keep rolling with the good time and I will keep doing that, but inside there is that 'don't get too comfortable' annoyingness. I wonder whether that will stay forever.

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