Lived Experience Forum

[Hope4me]

Hi again @aficionado

Having dreams is nice, but turning them into goals is even better. My stage experience was a sporadic episode (lol) but it counts none the less. I've pretty much achieved most of my life goals. One more next month will complete my list. (Starting my own business)

If you're anything like me, not having goals means 'limbo'; struggling to find purpose. With insight I now realise my mental health needs to be considered when planning. It's a part of life I've accepted with grace which helps me move forward.

It's my belief that the 'Universe' challenges us by providing opportunities to attain our goals, even at the cost of our health or finances etc. I remember desperately asking God to please help me be at home with my son so I could be the mother I always wanted to be as work kept me away with shifts at all hours.

A mix-up at work meant my contract wasn't going to be renewed. I was so upset about the loss of my wage! However, it was the best year of my life caring for my son before and after school, and being there for him as I'd asked.

In the late 80's I wanted to create a business that nobody else did. It took me decades to find a gap in service provision and here I am. Attaining our goals means we have to be ready by possessing the skills, experience and knowledge to realise those dreams. To do what's necessary in my business, I had to go through it myself. I suffered terribly at the hands of my abusers, but I came out of it with massive insight to add to my degree.

Lived experience is a gift, albeit an unpleasant one at times. I'm now set to support others going through the same stuff.

I wrote in a previous post to identify what you wanted and be prepared to do what it takes to get there. My story tells it all.

I truly hope the coming year is in your favour and sets you on a journey of self discovery and success.

Take care;

Hope xo 

[Hope4me]

Wow! You certainly didn't pick the easy basket @MDT

Politics can be a scary platform for good people to enter. It seems to 'turn' men from postitive intentions into struggling to stay afloat. A friend of mine used to 'run' for politicians back in the day and says it's no place for kind souls; it can be an all-out-war arena in party rooms. Too many alpha personalities with elitest attitudes. Independents may find it easier, not sure.

I do wish you luck in your chosen passion though Ham. Go get 'em tiger! 

Hope

[aficionado]

@Hope4me

Wow, your son is really fortunate and privilged to have a doting, kind and compassionate person like you as his mother!

And it is amazing that you have achieved all that you possibly could, and you are about to realise the last of your goals! I hope you attain great success with your business. Yes, we all tend to only look at the end result, but only you know the stryuggles you had to endure, and the battles yopu had to fight. And people like you are an inspiration for those of us still trying find our way around the deep, dark hole created by our illnesses.

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@Hope4me wrote:
 

It's my belief that the 'Universe' challenges us by providing opportunities to attain our goals, even at the cost of our health or finances etc.

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I am sorry, but I couldn't completely understand what you meant by the above statement. Do you mean to say that one can either try and achieve their goals while significantly risking their mental health, or change their goals so that they do not adversely affect mental health? In a nutshell...do we need to choose between achieving our goals or taking care of our mental health, but not both? 

[Hope4me]

@aficionado

No, not at all hun.

I wanted to relay my belief that Universal support works in mysterious ways. Sometimes we need to change in order to achieve our goals. If we resist, which is what I've done most of my life through ignorance or fear, something seemingly out of the blue happens to prompt change.

Talking with people it seems the same patterns emerge over and over. I don't know how many times they've said; "If 'this' or 'that' didn't occur, I wouldn't be where I am today" It's not always bad either, good things happen to spur on change, and many times it seems miraculous.

That's all my friend. My mental health issues aren't like yours. It's a very individual experience we each have. 

I in no way meant to imply anything re your mental health and apologise if my words came across like that. I would never do anything to harm you; please believe that.

I'm so glad you had the courage to write about your confusion instead of trying to guess what I meant. Thankyou...bravery is a rare spice Oficionado. Please feel free to ask me anything ok.

Your friend;

Hope xo 

[aficionado]

@Hope4me

Phew! Thank you for clarifying that! And please, you don't need to apologise. It was me who got confused with what you said, perhaps because English isn't my native language, and I sometimes fail to catch certain nuances. I am saying this because it has happened to me a few times, whenever I have interacted with native English speakers (or people who have mastered the language and its usage). So it isn't your fault at all!

I completely agree with you about mental illnesses being different for different people. In fact, I have had a personal experience (although not a happy one) with this.

My former partner was suffering from severe bipolar, but she was highly functional. She had 4 degrees, all from top world universities (Ivy Leagues and the like). She also earned more than what most people could even dream of. On top of that, she could do a veriety of things, all equally well. She often used to tell me that if she could achieve so much in spite of her issues, I should be able to at least function normally, like having a decent enough job, not getting stressed out at little things etc. It puzzled her as to why I struggled so much with even seemingly rudimentary stuff, while she could coast through significant life challenges.

She believed she was motivating me to do better, but it was having the opposite effect on me. I started to feel worthless, because I was unable to function normally while she was reaching lofty peaks in all aspects of her life rapidly, in spite of struggling with a mental illness.

It took a long time for both of us to realise that mental health issues are never the same for different people, and we all get affected differently. But at that point, we were so tired of arguments and misunderstandings about this, that we decided it was the best to just move on with our individual lives.

We are still on good terms (it has been two years since we went our separate ways), but much wiser. She got herself a more compatible man (she is now engaged to a highly accomplished lawyer who makes as much as, if not more than her), and I got my release from a highly draining relationship in which I always felt inferior and worthless (although it wasn't her intention to make me feel that way).

Oops, I guess I veered off-topic! Anyway, I was just trying to illustrate that I do understand how mental health issues can affect different people differently, by using an example from my own life.

Oh, and happy new year 2019 to you, and all the other lovely folks here! Cheers!

[Hope4me]

My dear friend @aficionado

It was absolutely lovely reading of your life experience. Getting to know you better is always worthy of my time. How you express yourself makes it even more enjoyable, so thankyou for sharing.

I forget you're only 32, however in saying that, you grasp the english language and nuances as you say, very well indeed in my view.

Accomplished people who achieve despite their mental health issues have backgrounds that support such endeavours. For those of us who aren't so lucky, emotions or lack of confidence take priority until we grasp important fundamentals; for example, learning to cope with developmental challenges not taught in childhood.

My last relationship had me swept away by blind love with a man who charmed his way into my life with lies, deceipt and flowers. By the time I realised who he really was, the cycle of mental abuse was well and truly set in motion; very reminiscent of my short-lived marriage.

Men seemed to be attracted to my (type of) self confidence, but after a while they were intimidated by it. Since my breakdown, I've learned to accept my abilities/qualities without guilt or dumbing myself down. That was a hard line to take considering throughout childhood, my family convinced me I was destined to be average and put me down if I showed signs of intelligence, wisdom or even common sense.

So our stories slowly unfold eh. 

This year will be the best ever Aficionado...

Warm thoughts;

Hope xo 

[aficionado]

@Hope4me

I am sorry to know that you had to endure so much pain and suffering at the hands of such evil people. I know, it made you stronger and wiser, but people really have no business taking someone else for granted and taking advantage of them. Oh well, cruelty is the default human behaviour anyway. To be 'good', humans have to consciously make an effort to go against their natural instinct of being selfish and cruel. Not too many people bother making this effort, and so are content with being total jerks.

The good thing is, you managed to come out on top in spite of these people trying to pull you down! At this point, it is definitely worth reiterating that you are an inspiration for so many of us! Thanks for sharing your experience.

And regarding my former partner, you guessed it right. Our backgrounds, cultures and upbringings were completely different. I was born and raised in a middle class family in a third world country, and was mostly unexposed to anything outside my country. My parents were reasonably well accomplished, but they were obviously hampered by the usual societal expectations. On the other hand, she was raised in a rich European country, with highly accomplished parents. She grew up with much better education than me, much more awareness about mental illnesses (it is still taboo in my home country), and needless to say, never having to worry about money. I am not undermining her sufferings, because she did face totally different problems. Some really nasty ones. But as you mentioned, her circumstances were much more conducive to succeed and be functional in spite of her mental illness, than mine.

Oh, and you said I am 'just' 32! Wow, that sounds amazing! You know, in my home country, 32 is way too old. I am trying to come out of that cultural mindset, but I suppose it takes time. Most of my peers around my age are already married, and also have a kid or two. Their professional success too eclipses mine. Of course, I shouldn't be comparing myself with anyone else, but it sometimes happens subconsciously.

Anyway, the definition of 'success' in my home country is based on a template, which I find boring and predictive. To be considered successful, one typically does the following:

Finish education at 22-23, immediately get employed, fall in love no later than 25-26, get married before age 30, have a few promotions at work under your belt around the same age, have kids before turning 35, and continue going higher professionally.

I never wanted to put extra pressure on myself to stick to that template.

Jeez, my posts are becoming too long! Some people find it annoying that I talk/write too much, but I am pretty sure you don't! 

[Hope4me]

Yes, your'e absolutely right @aficionado. I totally enjoy reading your long posts. I must say it's nice to have these conversations as living alone can get monotonous. I find myself really looking forward to your responses.

Your background sounds similar to my ex husband's; he was Sinalese (Sri Lanka). He passed away 18 months ago. His family were highly regarded nationally. In Columbo, Amma was principal at a large private high-school (till she retired) and father was the CEO of an internationally renowned car manufacturing Corporation until his death. (Sorry, can't mention which one due to privacy rules)

His family and friends are beautiful people... after we separated he told them terrible lies about me. I sobbed deeply meeting them again at my ex's funeral; I didn't realise how much I'd missed their presence in my life.

We can only cope with what knowledge and experience we've chalked up over time. I've survived life the best way I could as I'm sure you have too. I remember stealing a book in my early teens to learn about sex, then through guilt I spoke to a priest. Surely it couldn't be a sin to steal a loaf of bread to feed your family I enquired. He said; "...only if you put jam on it young lady" I still smile when I think of his retort. 

Till next time...

Hope xo 

[aficionado]

@Hope4me

I can empathise with you, and can also relate to your situation to a certain extent. As for the cultural background regarding your ex husband, the only difference is that his parents were rich and mine weren't (although they did their best to raise me well).

Maybe you could still have those people in your lives. At least those who are still alive, since they now know that whatever he told them about you wren't true.

Wow, that priest sounds like fun! And his words are certainly worth reminiscing about!

[Hope4me]

Good morning @aficionado

Rich or poor, my ex was less than he could've been. He married me to stay in the country and had a seedy background not worthy of his parents' love, attention and financial support. Me being connected to them was more about my son having his paternal, cultural and familial heritage.

Although I've missed our friends, during the time of our separation and divorce, (I was pregnant when he went to another woman) not one contacted me. So for this reason I'm keeping away.

I must say I'm not enjoying this subject matter; it's a bit triggering. Might just leave things here if that's ok.

I'm wondering how you've been going since our talks have progressed. Has your loneliness subsided a little? You only have a couple of weeks before you leave work. I presume today is your first day back; I'm hoping it isn't too hard on you.

Take care;

Hope