Living with absence

[Sophia1]

Hello @Krishna 

I am not very good company at the moment..

Head trying to deal with so many life scenarios ...outcomes... getting nowhere...just digging deeper..

Saw you over here and thought that I will not drag my stuff with me more connect and say hello

cold water showers have had a few...exhilarating..

currently injury and ensuing surgery rehab interrupted by life ....cold showers would probably cause me to slip and have to avoid that at all costs..

am going to get outside in the sun soon whilst it is there...water what needs watering..

observe what has grown...passed...etc..

not sure if I told you that I have a gardener now....don't like the concept as want to do it myself..not able to get back yet...

so have to behave....not good at that...

your vegetables sound like they are thriving and thankful for your attention.

camellias are beautiful...

can't grow them in our garden yet as too open and wind not nice at times

what other cottage garden plants do you have?

I also have natives and succulents. Know native names but not succulent names...new to me to grow them.

soak in the sun....sights and smells...

Sophia1  big hug

[Krishna]

Hi @Sophia1 Hmmmm my company not the best either at present also with life challenges. Sad news received yesterday regarding a close family member, daughter with domestic violence issues today (she’s shaken but not hurt), cold drizzly and looking forward to sleep tonight and hoping it’s restful. Was lovely to see my broadbeans popping up through the soil today as well as garlic and greens thriving. My 1/4 acre block perimeter is all garden, no grand design just planted as I acquired. Semi evergreen ash at the front gate with a banksia rose arbour. Front fence was like the old metal school fences so is now an ivy hedge. A lovely big English Alder with a trunk like elephant skin. Hydrangeas, Azaleas, Roses, Agapanthus, Conifers oh the list goes on. Villagers call it a bush block as you can no longer see the house from the street. I love it. So much bird life call it home. It really is my sanctuary. I have a little garden shed made from recycled timbers and a bright yellow bench outside it where I spend mindful moments sitting in the sun and contemplating life. I’m sorry you’re facing physical challenges Sophia. Life’s hard enough as it is without the added physical discomfort. Tonight my throat is red raw and just feeling plain exhausted. Has been a long drawn out day of emotions. Rest well. Take care and enjoy just sitting in the sunshine when you can 🙏❤️🌹

[Krishna]

@Sophia1  ❤️🙏🌹

[Sophia1]

Hello @Krishna 

Back fleetingly

Seems strange writing to different people whom I came to know over the years

I am weary and worn down from adult child situation

It does not matter how I look at it I cannot understand why.

Was there a certain alignment of stars, moon universes, meterorites crashing at the moment of birth.

I know that the delivery was 45 minutes. He was arriving in his own time and his way his style even then.

As I write this the tears flood and I just cannot bear all the whys.

I am unsure where you are with your daughter but do know that you are one person on this huge forum who might understand an ounce of what I am attempting to express.

I hope that I can send you special energy to hold you and guide you through life as it unfolds.

It is impossible in real life to find anyone with this scenario and that is more than likely because we do not share these stories.

I have tried and found that people just do not understand.

So I take something from having conversed with you knowing that I am not alone completely even though it still feels that way.

Sophia

[Krishna]

Dear darling @Sophia1 . I too back only fleetingly after quite an absence. We are kindred spirits in our suffering. The questions you ask, I have also asked. What dark magik is this that led to my daughter becoming one full of darkness, suffering and barely existing in this incarnation. Hers too was a difficult birth. A 15 hour labour resulting in emergency c section. I’ve often considered that her birth perhaps was the cause of her illness but then prior to her late teens she was an outgoing, funny, creative, gifted human. Difficult and self righteous but with huge potential to create a happy life for herself. She is now 31 and it’s been 6 years since I’ve seen her. Updates on her well-being or lack off are given when requested by support workers and I receive the occasional txt requesting money. Other than that ?????? Some days I howl like a banchee, some days numb but most days if nothing to distract me I live with a sense of anticipation, a buzzing sensation, unable to focus on much. I set myself up for heartache sometimes by phoning her, only to be sent to voice message or if by chance she answers, the conversation is all one sided (mine) with silence on the other end then “I’ve gotta go”. End of call. So yes Sophia, I do understand. It’s such a huge part of my life yet the few friends that remain, even they no longer mention her name. The older I get, the more hope of some form of closeness with my girl fades. It’s a grief that I’m learning to coexist with, by feeling the feels completely when needed. I hope you are doing the same, allowing yourself to release the valve now and then. Your understanding is valued so very much. Take care please. 🙏❤️🌹