Living with absence

[Krishna]

Hi @Sophia1 it’s so nice you’ve connected with a few people on your walks. Major melt down fir me today. Tears just keep flowing and so very tired. Poor husband at a loss as to what to do. We went for a swim this morning and attempted lunch in a cafe but had to leave midway due to me experiencing a panic attack. All the background noise and chatter simply overwhelmed me. So a hot shower soon, dinner and another early night. Simply feeling depleted 😞

[tyme]

Oh my dear @Krishna , I'm so sorry to hear that. Please remember the light that shines through dark gloomy clouds.

You are not alone.

[Sophia1]

Oh dear @Krishna 

That is so hard to experience

Panic attacks can be so frightening and come without warning.

You have been feeling so very distraught about your doctor and this was possible outcome of delayed shock.

Your husband would have been very worried also

Please rest and take care of yourself.

I would see if you can have an emergency appointment with your treating specialist as support.

Do not feel the need to respond unless it might help.

I am thinking of you

Here together for each other.🙏❤️🌹

Sophia1

. 

[Sophia1]

Hello @Krishna 

You might be resting and I hope that you are starting to feel calmer in yourself.

Please be gentle with yourself today as I know from my past when I experienced panic attacks it took several days for me to feel grounded.

Every person's experience is different as well.

I am not sure if you have ever had one before.

Reassuring you that there is nothing to be embarrassed about if you are thinking that.

It is a body's natural reaction when overwhelmed and in fight or flight mode.

I too am startled and easily affected by my environment; favouring nature.

You have remained a loyal, welcoming presence in my life even after I went missing myself when my head forgot where you were.

As silly as it sounds my mind was in such chaos with the tragic absence that we share, that I could not even remember others.

I am so sorry. I realise as I write this that I became absent in your life as well.

Please forgive me.

I previously wrote the word doctor instead of daughter in my previous reply to you. Confusing.

I cannot visit or send you a gift in reality so will leave something here for you to find.

A place where we can absorb the silence and serenity supporting each other.

Sophia1

[Krishna]

Thank you my dearest @Sophia1. Feeling a little better today although somewhat wobbly. Not my first encounter with a panic attack sadly, know them all too well but never before in public. That put a whole new spin on things having to leave the cafe mid meal. My darling husband organised takeaway containers for us both. It’s simply been an intense month regarding my girl and her constant demands for money and knowing through her social worker that she’s not coping too well of late. I know it’s all drug/alcohol related as history has shown. A cry for help perhaps or just the nature of addiction. Either way she’s struggling. So I do believe my body is trying to tell me something, being more self love and care is in order. I had a CT brain scan last week as these episodes have been quite frequent of late but in my heart of hearts I know it’s my brain simply saying “too much information” and doing a little dance of sorts but doctor felt it best to have a wee look just the same. My son, who is a most wonderfully supportive son had not spoken to his sister in over 5 years until this week, messaging her with words he will not share with me regarding her constant demands from us. This weekend is the first in months where my girl hasn’t messaged for money. So whatever he said to her has had an affect. Perhaps she needed to hear it from him, her little brother. So my darling, another early night for me and taking more time to simply be and rest. Such beautiful photos. Thank you xx

[tyme]

At least that's some good news @Krishna . You continue to amaze me.

Keep holding on.

[Krishna]

Thank you @tyme for your constant presence and support 🙏❤️

[Sophia1]

Hello my dear @Krishna 

I was hoping to hear from you today.

I would have understood if you had not been able to though.

I hope that you have strong medical support also and your scan results come back showing a healthy brain.

whether your daughter is crying out for help or using drugs and or alcohol for me same underlying reason.. lost, struggling and needing professional help.

You have been there for her and been a constant loving mum. 

Other parents cannot comprehend the constant range of emotions..questions.. ongoing loss..

My situation slightly different to yours and yet the closest I have come across with such long “absence.. loss””

So I am here for you supporting you helping each other..

You also have the support of 

@tyme which Must be comforting

I have a couple of friends on the lived experience side who offer support.

I still feel so alone

You Krishna help a little in reducing that intensity of feeling alone and I thank youxx

Please take special care of you now.

I did burn out.

Don’t let that happen to you.

Rest and take it slowly xx 

Sophia1

[Krishna]

Thank you @Sophia1. If only we could sit together but your presence on this forum is a blessing in itself. I must admit your absence was felt and it was a strange feeling missing someone whom I’d never met yet had formed a connection with. In saying that, it was okay as I completely understood. I’m happy we’ve reconnected. I am taking things easy and reminding myself to take each moment as it comes. Keeping it simple. I remind myself my girl is being watched over each day by her carers, she has a roof over her head and an income to sustain her. I also know she has access to food banks if needed. None of the above eases my pain but does bring a slight sense of calm. I keep being told by others that this is her path, her journey as if those words will cure all. They have no idea and therefore I prefer their silence. No wonder I keep myself to myself these days. So today a small grocery shop and a little housework and time spent in my garden. My sanctuary. Much love and blessings to you Sophia 🙏❤️🌹

[Sophia1]

Hello @Krishna 

 your words were beautiful to read.

It is such a lovely feeling to hear you tell me that my presence on this forum is a blessing.

I cannot take back the time when  I lost you. I can apologise again. 
I will be here for you when I can.

wrote lengthy reply and lost

wlll try again tomorrow

medical appointment in city today…draining 🙏❤️🌺