I hear you @TOXICONE ,

Welcome to the forums. It's not easy reaching out to a community of strangers to share what's been going on for you. 

Pushing people away can be seen as a form for coping. A way to protect yourself and seemingly others. 

I have a diagnosis of BPD, and know first hand what it's like. 

Please know you are not alone. I see through your post and see that you are doing the best you can to cope and manage. 

Here for you.