Hi @Lula.  I get so exhausted these days as well.  I was telling someone about how bust my Monday and Tuesday were, and I thought about it and it would probably just be a normal 2 days for someone with a full time job.  They would probably love to have my 2 days!  But it exhausted me!

An happy birthday!  A belated one I know, but a heartfelt one.  I wish I could give you more than just this emoji cake 🍰  I must admit, i don't get to excited by birthdays myself.  It's much the same... a few texts and some facebook posts.  I am lucky to have my partner though who makes it still feel a little special as she likes to make a fuss of it, so i do appreciate it.  but I still very clearly remember what it was like before I met her.

There is always going to be people worse off than ourselves, that can be a helpful thought, but don't let it make your own feelings feel less important. We all deserve to love and be loved.  Being an adoptee, I still struggle with have any feeling of belonging.  I never had it as a kid and it's still a massive struggle now.  It's hard.  That isolation becomes so painful over time.  The thing that strikes me now, is this all makes us very caring, empathetic, and kind people but very few people seem to discover it.  We're like hidden shining gems!  I just like to hope if I keep trying, eventually another person will see it, and hen maybe even another.

It's funny you ask me about collections from my past.  My parents never kept anything of mine as a kid and never really took many photos.  I had a call from the PCFA (prostate cancer foundation of Australia), they want me to be part of an appeal early next year featuring my story.  Part of that is some photos to go with the story.  They asked me for 10-12 photos of me.  Some with family/friends, some while I was going through treatment, some afterwards.  My first thought was I dont think there's 10-12 photos of me in existence.  Let alone a collection of anything else.  So i'm currently really struggling to get some photos together, let alone any that tell any story about my life.  The only real ones are me and my biological brother when we met for the first time, and me with my biological mother when we met for the first time...all about 3 years ago.  The others are just photos of my my partner took... a lot of them because I was holding a cat.

The games group sounds like fun.  We go to a local games group sometimes.  I always loved Scrabble!  When I was much younger I memorized every two letter word in the scrabble dictionary. ZA, QI, JO, XI... I knew them all.  I was a bit over competitive growing up.  But I thought that life had made me lose so many things, games was a place where I had a chance, so i was going to do everything i could for a chance of a win.... even if it was just a game of scrabble.  I did eventually work out that it didn't actually make playing fun so I needed to change.

I've had 2 GPs and 3 psychologists who have asked me the same thing about medication.  I really don't know.  I always felt alone as a kid, so I learnt to deal with everything on my own.  I did this pretty much until very recently.  Even a couple of years ago I would have never been able to come onto a forum like this and share these thoughts with anyone.  So dealing with everything on my own took a massive toll I think.  My current partner, is the only relationship I've even been in and the only close connection I've ever had with anyone, and I met her when I was 42.  So would I be better off on medication... i don't know.  I just learnt to see depression and anxiety as a normal part of life.  It's all i've known for a lot of it I guess.  So when it's been recommended to me over the past few years, I tell them i'm not sure.  I don't know what they will do to my mind, and I fear that I wont know the difference if I did take them.  I also fear that the person they would change me into wouldn't be me.  Call it stubbornness or even stupidity.. but i'd rather me and unhappy me than a happier fake me.  When I am happy, then I know that is me and not just the effects of some drugs.  But I do admit, I have no experience with them and almost no knowledge of what they do so maybe i'm wrong.  Maybe, if I took them, I'd still be me but just able to cope better.  I really have no idea, but I just feel I am me and I have issues and I cope the best I can. It may not be the happiest of lives, but it is me.  Like I said, maybe i'm just stupid, but I just don't like the things that some people say about having been on them.  To be fair, some people swear by them but I just don't trust them.  I would be willing to try them to find out what they're like, but I'm scare I might just get addicted or they would change me and I would only stay on them because of how they changed how I felt.  It does make me very curious as to why you wish you had never started.  It sounds like everything I've always fear about them. Is there any particular reason you feel this way, or is it just that you are taking them but still unhappy?

My dinner is almost ready, so I had better go.  As always, take care Lula.

M