This past week I have been able to figure out the vicious cycle that is my eating disorder and put it out onto paper. 

i slowly start to eat ok, increasing my intake. But then my body begins to struggle because it’s not use to regular food and fluids too. I don’t cope with the physical side of eating, the bloating, the fullness, pains and nausea. My ED gets loud and angry. (This is where I am now). I engage in SH. Up the exercise. I feel the weight gain. End up weighing myself and then trigger the restriction phase.

i start restricting food and fluids. I feel good. I feel clear headed and in control. But slowly my body starts to not cope with the lack of nutrition. My bloods get bad, my blood pressure drops and other physical symptoms of not enough intake. I guess maybe this is where I have alot of arguments between my ED and my healthy self. It’s an overwhelming intense feeling knowing that you need nourishment but not able to provide it to yourself. I engage in SH. I become medically unstable and my team step in and make threats and then I slowly start increasing intake..,, and the cycle starts again. 

It’s been helpful to understand this cycle. I started putting it together after my recent dietitian appointment and then discussed it with my psychologist this week. She can see this happening too.,,: but isn’t sure where the destructive side comes in…. And I’m not sure either. I don’t know where it fits. 

im really struggling tonight with where I am. It feels really bloody horrible. I feel so trapped and can’t see a way through or out. Feel like it’s just going to keep going round and round.