Dear @saltandpepper , you are NOT weak, useless or a piece of trash. You were a CHILD. It is well-known that child victims (and I count a child as being up to age 18) will freeze and then blame themselves. It was definitely not your fault. 

I really hope that now you've bravely talked about this here on the forums, that you'll be able to mention it in therapy, and talk through it, and talk through the feelings, for as long as it takes, and get some healing. That is what I did with my childhood trauma (actually the abuse was ongoing all my life), and got a measure of healing, enough to move on with my life. I don't think full healing is possible for deep trauma, but enough not to be tormented by it any more, in the way that you're suffering now. 😞

Sending so many good wishes for you, @saltandpepper , and some more virtual hugs.