You are brave to open up when you found it hard, @saltandpepper . I agree that it's better out than in. 

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@saltandpepper wrote:

Can't even express just how much shame and regret and self hate I have over this one. This is the kind of memory that just makes me want to violently punch myself in the head over and over. This is the kind of memory that leaves me feeling so sick. 

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Oh, I am just so sorry that this happened to you, and that you have to suffer ongoing distress for so long afterwards as well 😞

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@saltandpepper wrote:

And yes, I am aware of the paradox in that I'm able to recognise this event as rape when presented in a fictional story.

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I am glad that you have the ability to write, to help you work through things. I also use writing, and it helps. 

I hope you can be kind to yourself over this memory, @saltandpepper ...like you were that child again, and how would you treat them? With kindness, and gentleness, and care. Wishing all that for you, along with healing.