Today’s been a long day. It’s been full on and I feel smashed. This morning I voiced to a helpline for the first time exactly what is going on inside me. Although it didn’t help much and didn’t change anything, I found a bit of my voice.

This afternoon I meet with my friend whom I texted a couple of days ago that I am not ok. I felt so much shame about where I am again and had no idea how I was going to tell her how bad I actually am. But she listened and I felt heard and She didn’t judge me. She offered to contact the psychologist that I am waiting to get an appointment with to see if anything can be done to get an appointment soon (my friend is also my pastor, kind of my second family and used the pastoral care card I guess?) otherwise we discussed me looking at finding someone else. I now have an actual appointment for 2 weeks time. Something to aim for I guess.

I feel exposed tonight and paranoid that my family are going to find out now. I feel like I have been hit by a bus and am so extremely tired. I’ve hardly eat today and added with the exhaustion my body feels like it’s shutting down.  I need to take some extra sleepers tonight or I fear of what tomorrow will be. I need to sleep.