Hi there,

I'm posting because I am a bit isolated, and had been referred to this forum through services previously.

I have Borderline, and it's something that I've had a lot of trouble getting someone to diagnose me with, there's a lot of resistance to labelling. While I understand that, I've found it really patronising because I'm also living with HIV, so I already have lived experience with highly stigmatised health condition. I'm pretty highly functioning externally, and suicidal attempts and self injury are not a part of my experience with the condition, but there's a lot of emotional dysregulation and interpersonal difficulties in friendships, that have contributed to me being quite isolated as a a managing tactic. 

I'm currently doing a DBT program, and they did a run down of the DSM5 criterion during that, and said that the therapy might be beneficial, but stopped short of saying to me it might be BPD. I understand that it is probably a diagnostic exercise over time, but having done 6 weekly sessions, and revealed myself to be a bit symptomatic, I would have thought, there's still great reluctance.

Everytime you talk about diagnosis, they are avoidant. Previously, I have paid to have a psychiatrist do an assessment, and then when it went to the GP they wouldn't give me the report, spoke about it in general terms. He told me he'd sent it to the psychologist, she told me she never received a copy. So I've paid $500 for a report to try to get some clarity around what goes on for me sometimes, and my own information was withheld from me. For that reason, and some reference to narcissistic defense mechanisms, I worry I'm narcissistic PD, and they're avoiding telling me because I read that it's probably not an ideal way to support people to be treated around the same.

The thing that's most frustrating now, is that because I've been banging on about diagnosis with the current psychologist, who is treating me fortnightly while I'm doing a weekly BPD program for 6 months, they've written to the doctor about it and made that diagnosis. Meanwhile, they've not had that discussion with me directly. 

I'm really frustrated by that. I can understand how they might have thought that was what I was seeking, but the reality is I was looking for them to say it to me, not to write to the doctor for the sake of satisfying what I was saying, however it's continuing on that tendency to talk professionally between themselves about the people they're treating, without providing what I think is important information to the people they are treating.

I don't think it's malintent, but I'm really frustrated because it's a continuation of the experience I have complained about. 

It's also quite upsetting, because sometimes I think being able to negotiate your own needs, is something you might have difficulty with as someone with BPD, but I feel like I have explained all of this, and it still happened.

In terms of the DBT, I am quite struggling with that. I think I also have depression, and that makes it quite a battle to be able to do the diary card, and then also practice the exercises.

At the moment I'm feeling worse for having started the DBT sessions, even though I recognise it's probably something that might be beneficial in the long term. There's lots of mindfulness around what's going on, but because of the reluctance with diagnosis, committing to a full DBT program has been challenging - it's a big investment in terms of time and money, and without a diagnosis, it's hard to pursue that. I recognise it might be beneficial regardless, but as I understood it it's primary efficacy has been shown in managing BPD, and in particular suicidal ideation and self harm. 

Anyway, that was a lot, and I just wanted to ask if anybody has given DBT group therapy a go, and whether they have ended up feeling like they are worse off for having done it, rather than better. A lot of it I'm finding at the moment is focused on seeing the pain, and I already have some insight into that, and it's drawing our attention to it, but not yet giving the skills to change the behaviour, which I accept are likely to come later. 

I would be keen to hear people's experiences.