I’m so sorry that your mum feels the need for emotional blackmail @Sans911. It sounds like a really difficult place to be in. I’ve been trying to put myself in your shoes and the truth is I have no idea what I’d do. 

I guess one thing that I thought about is if you feel like your mum loves you or if she is capable of love?  It can get messy. I think there is a generation thing too about how our parents communicate love. It’s not always the easiest to feel. My brother and I just went through an experience this year where he shared something with my parents. The person he wanted/ needed approval from didn’t give it to him but told everyone else how proud they were of their son for his accomplishment. I was able to pass that on. Sometimes much gets lost in pride and communication..... and there are lots of people who struggle to be vulnerable enough to share those feelings (that’s often been me too). 

Im not sure if this helps, I wanted you to know that you were heard (and felt 😢) for your painful relationship and situation. Loads of hugs for getting through and here’s to not falling on your sword for anyone 💜🤗