Hugs to you my dear @BlueBay . 

It’s okay to sit with these feelings. It’s true - it takes over one’s life. 

All the negative perception and negative self talk becomes a habit. It because instinctive as a way to protect yourself from potential hurt. I know this is what I did. For example, rather than feel left out, I made sure I was in control and step away first. This was to protect myself from the feeling of being unloved and unworthy. This was what I instinctively did.

Recovery was about recognising I did this, then in a way, challenge myself. If i naturally wanted to hide from people so as not to get hurt (avoidant personality), I would make sure I mingled with people no matter how much o hated it. At first, I did this for short amounts of time, then gradually increased.

Today, I still hate social gatherings. But if you saw me, you’d never guess. I socialise even though I’m cringing inside. Why? Because I know I can’t go back to the way I was.

This concept can be appplied to other situations. Anything that may be triggering intact. Allow yourself to stop, think about how you normally react, then try to react differently this time. By giving yourself space, you have more clarity about the circumstance.

Hang in there my dear. Don’t give up. I have faith that BPD will one day be your friend. I hear it is hard now - but there is hope.