Hey @BlueBay !

Thanks for asking that question!

Jealous? Hell yeah! To the point of rage and utter hatred. I understand it a bit more now. It's not so much  the jealousy that I had to tackle. It was my inability to regulate how I felt. 

I would leech onto someone and if they even dared to spend time with someone else, I would rage and run off and then SH. This is what the world would see 'attention seeking'. I would name it that if I saw it today. But now, in retrospect, it was an intense need to feel safe. An inability to feel secure without that one person. 

I don't believe recovery is about tackling the jealousy. It is tackling what brings a need to be someone we are not. Often, we hide behind a mask because we fear our vulnerability will be known. 

So when it comes to jealousy? YES, I had intense jealousy. Did I feel upset for being jealous? I hated myself altogether. I hated who I was and what I did. I hated how I was so unstable and hurt others so much. I couldn't bear my own presence hence I always wanted an out. 

Not anymore. I love the progress I've made. I love the people I have made. I love how my BPD has made me a better person. Of course I still have much to work on, but I can look forward in hope.

Hugs,

BPDSurvivor