Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Hello @Former-Member 

Yeah thanks l recieved your email. Um things are unbearable last nite and today just keeping it together. No l dont have anyone who l can openly talk to , those few that l occassionally talk to wouldnt understand. So its better to keep silent. My dreams are showing me a horrific ending that l am really trying to ignore. So l listen to loud music to fade them away. 

I am fine for now. 

[BPDSurvivor]

Dear @Former-Member ,

I can hear your struggles. It takes a long time to really understand BPD. I found it to be a lot of trial and error - errors dominated at first, but with persistance and support, I found myself on the road of recovery.

I often see BPD as an emotional child trapped in an adult body - the inner child is crying out for help; doesn't know who to turn to; and the thought of being abandoned hurst so much that it seems better to disconnect. 

Yet many don't understand that young emotional child. Just because you present in an adult's body, they expect you to 'get over it'. It hurt me a lot when people said this.

I used SH as a go-to. I directed all the hurt inwards and took it out on myself. 

After years of searching and internal preparation, in my 30s, I eventually began reaching out for help - i.e. not just saying i needed help, but being mentally prepared to co-operate.

My-oh-my, it was a hard hard journey, and not without its ups and downs. 

Looking back, I think the most valuable learning was the importance of clear communication and healthy boundary setting. 

I am still learning. There is still a lot for me to work on, but I know all my experiences have made me a better person.

I hope you will also find the space to love and care for yourself.

Look forward to hearing from you. I encourage you to continue reaching out.

BPDSurvivor

[Former-Member]

Hi @BPDSurvivor 

Thank you for your input , yeah l hate the " Get over it " , saying . Like l can just turn off the emotional mess and disaster that l have become.

Yes you are a adult now and need to act your age not your shoe size. 

Thats what l need to hear , NOT .

[BPDSurvivor]

I hear you @Former-Member ,

Unfortunately, many with BPD face the same stigma.

Interestingly, my long-time psychologist recently said "We're making changes to that" when I mentioned the stigma of BPD and how borderlines are treated in the mental health system.

So currently, do you have any supports around you? Formal or informal supports? 

What do you find most challenging about your current circumstance? What does the ideal YOU look like?

These are just reflective questions. No need to answer if you're not up to it.

BPDSurvivor

[Former-Member]

Hi @BPDSurvivor ,

I am happy to answer , l just had to think and it can take me hours to get the messages clear in my head. I was washing the dishes and when l picked up the sharp object , l hurt myself knowing that it was the wrong thing to do , but in that moment l failed.

Cleaned it up , dressed it and went and sat down. 

Let me back up a bit and mention that l was working full time over 3 years when l injured my knee and needed surgery. 

I started feeling numb in my hands and arms but doctors dismissed it and l went into panic overload, went to hospital emergency many times before they admitted me. Saw a neurologist and he said l had nerve damage from the crutches. 

He suggested l speak to a psychologist for dealing with injury stresses. After a year and a half , l kinda let the psychologist know that l have a history of trauma and mental issues, and 3 years later l lost my job because l couldnt go back to work , as my knee is needing to be replaced , my hands and arms have a permanent numbing issue and l am broken on the inside as well as all around me.

So l need more surgery and support , well my partner he says the " get over yourself " , "build a bridge etc " , 

So to date other than being in lockdown , homebound as l am waiting to get the Phizer injection , l dont leave the house even to physio. Only been out to physio twice in 8 weeks which is not great.

Psychologist via zoom , but we have had and unfortunately misunderstanding which , even though he apologized for what happened , l cannot let it go . 

Self harming has began again from all the stress , hurt and dissapointment. 

I hate being here and l am on meds to help calm me but only lock the craziness inside , but she lashes out at times. My evil alterego as l call her.

I just want to be me , normal without the need to breakdown always , feel broken , feel like l am nothing and panic alot. 

I just wish these last 3 years never happened.

[Peregrinefalcon]

Wow @Former-Member, what a powerful story you have. Thank you so much for sharing, it is a brave thing to be able to do.

I hope that you have some good supports around you - you deserve to know that this isn't a matter of just "getting over yourself" or "building a bridge"

Just in case, here are some immediate supports if you feel these might be needed today or in the future:

• Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)
  000
• Lifeline (24 Hrs)
  13 11 14
• Suicide callback service (24 Hrs)
  1300 659 467

Once again, thank you for sharing. Take extra special care of yourself - this is not an easy time!

Kind regards

Peregrinefalcon

[Former-Member]

Hi @Peregrinefalcon 

Well life hasnt been that easy and even though , l try to get through the days they seems too hard at times.

The support is there when they are avaliable to me and l hate being told how l am a very unwell person who is suffering and can combat anything l put my mind to.

I feel like a broken person who can or cannot be fixed should l find the right person to do so.

I know the emergency numbers , but  it would be null and void for me as l wouldnt call if or should l take my self harm too far.

If my partner finds me in time great for me , of not oh well bugger me.

I'm just tired and can be cranky also.

But thanks