Lived Experience Forum

[Rahrah84]

Hi I’m new here looking for guidance,’advice or tools for me to cope with my new life. My

background info is long so I’ll try to skip over the unnecessary parts. I am married, recently separated (I moved out) but we are still in a relationship. I am still in love with my husband but know we can’t be together in the real world. I can’t let him go. I love him so much even though he continues to hurt me and makes me feel horrible everyday. We have been married 11 years. I had 2 children when we met- he always wanted children of his own and I wanted to have them with him. We tried but didn’t happen. We married, bought a house,

both worked and were so in love and happy! We fell pregnant 5 years ago and were so happy and excited. Everything changed. I felt him pushing me away,

choosing to work instead of spending time with us. I was also working and becoming upset about this feeling of him not enjoying being with me anymore. I was becoming exhausted as I was left to be with the baby and work and he was helping less and less- I became resentful. I begged him to spend time with us, it would cause arguments.

i would write letters to explain how I wS

feeling- nothing changed. I moved into a spare room of our house. I then fell pregnant again- we were excited and for a small time things improved. I worked all the way up to the birth of our daughter - he started helping less and less. He would see me arrive home, heavily pregnant carrying our baby, bags from work and daycare, groceries that I got on my lunch break and he wouldn’t even help me into the house. I was heartbroken, angry and resentful. I gave birth, he was there. The next day I was due to go home- no complications. We arranged that he would take a few days off work at this time- 20 mins after birth he asked if he could work the next day. I said no, I would be discharged and he needed to take us home from hospital. I was upset when he asked this for a second time later. I finally said - ok go to work in the morning  to sort stuff as I probably will be waiting till midday to be discharged. He went to work. Phone switched off. No contact from him. I rang and rang- I was shattered and embarrassed that my husband wasn’t answering.  I had to organise someone else to bring my car from home to hospital and I drove myself home with our newborn. He walked in our front door at nearly 6pm- he saw me and said “oh you got home then?”  I was mortified and hurt. He gave the excuse of “my phone was flat” “I was busy at work” This same

behaviour continued. He refused to spend time with us at all, I went to family functions alone, took the girls to parks/ zoo/ events alone, he would always have an excuse of being too busy. He wouldn’t sleep in our bed most nights, fell asleep on the couch. I cried every night and went back into the spare room in the hopes he would miss me. Nope. He just kept living life the same, say good morning as he left for work. I wanted things to get better, I tried to tell him again how I felt in letters in text messages. I would pour my heart out and sometimes he never even read the letters I wrote him. He refused to talk to me about our relationship and just wanted to pretend nothing was wrong. He began to get angry when I would ask him repeatedly to help me with the girls. He would avoid me, come home late, hide where he had been, just anything to not be around me. I hated sleeping in spare room, I was so sad and alone. Working and taking care of the girls almost alone watching everyone around me have such loving fathers for their kids, loving marriage - I wanted that. We used to have that. His anger exploded and he punched holes on wall during an argument- I rang the police. After that he pushed me away even more. I’m sure he took pleasure of seeing me sad, exhausted and heartbroken. After another violent outburst in front of our girls and police again called - I decided that I would move out. I told him

this and begged him to change- he didn’t listen and I moved out. I took nothing from the house beside our clothes. I have been in a rental townhouse for 12 months now. I hoped that this would make him see I was serious, that he would miss his family. Nope. He says he wanted us home yet seemed like so much hate he has towards me- blaming me for moving out, breaking up our family, he plays the victim. He refused to take out children so I can have a break- not one night in over 12 months have I had without the children. He goes and visits his friends whenever. Ignores us for days/ weeks. Missed both the girls bday this year completely, not even a phone call. Blames me because I ring him too much and send him too many messages so he turns his phone off and missed their birthdays ? He was staying here every night for awhile and I thought we may be heading for us to move back home- then I found dating profile and messaged on his phone. Hasn’t met up yet with anyone but messages and photos were explicit and he was inviting these women into my home to have sex with him. He sent messages calling them sexy and saying horrible things about me how I was his ex and never let him do anything and I made him depressed. All the time was here sleeping with me but messaging them. I was gutted. I am so consumed with where he is now, he is back ignoring us and avoiding us. I am struggling cause I want him. I don’t want to raise these kids alone. I want the life I was promised, for my girls to have the life they deserve. I have begged and

argued and cried and tried everything. I know I deserve better, but I don’t want anyone else. I hate my life now. I hate him for doing this to me, to us. I can’t cope without him yet feel worthless when I am with him. Please help me cope with letting go of him, letting go of the life I wanted …. 

[RiverSeal]

Hey @Rahrah84,

Welcome to the Forums and thank you for sharing your story with the community!

It sounds so tough what you are going through with your husband and taking care of your children on your own. You are demonstrating your resilience and strength in being open and honest on the Forums with the community or peers. And you have made really hard decisions for you and your children to keep them safe and not to accept treatment that you don't deserve.

I don't have children and have never been married but I have been through breakups with long-term partners before. It is really challenging when we don't get treated that way, we treat our partners and don't have our feelings reciprocated. Learning to be ourselves and moving through life on our own after a breakup is really challenging but it sounds like you are being true to yourself and learning exactly who your husband really is. I encourage you to stay strong and focus on yourself and your children and continue to live life in the best way you can for them.

There are some other great places to connect with others here on the Forums and you could link them to your post here, so people understand your situation. If you would like, please take a look at this previous post that lists places to connect: Looking for a space to connect with others? Find a... - SANE Forums

I encourage you to reach out for support to from Parentline in your state or territory and to 1800RESPECT to continue conversations on how to best support your children and yourself.

Thank you again to your post and joining the Forums!

Take care

RiverSeal

[scruffypuffball]

@Rahrah84 @RiverSeal 

oh man this is heartbreaking.  you are trauma bonded and you are in an abusive relationship.  I went through a similar situation with my family.  you need something called radical acceptance.  You will never get what you need out of him.  He is very parasitical and is exploiting your emotional and domestic labour.  Some men chase women because they want genuine connection, some men chase women to exploit them/their resources.    They are usually narcissistic and cheat on their partners.  The fact he is saying bad things about you on a dating site is a big red flag (never date a man who badmouths their ex as they will do that to you in the future - it is a pattern of behaviour).  He is also looking for his next victim, hopefully they can see through him, see the red flags and avoid him.  Have a look at my profile for more resources and information.  Look at my posts in The Toolshed section and educate yourself.

whatever it was he promised was a lie, you were played.  I was played by my extended family members for 20 years before i was dumped/discarded at a family gathering. (it was a blessing in disguise btw)

one of the things my therapist did for me after the discard was she encouraged me to not go back to my family.  She said: the times you would have spent with those toxic people you should instead spend it getting hobbies, meeting up with friends, making new friends with MORALS ETHICS SHARED VALUES. etc.  the things my family lacks.  The way to heal this trauma is with love.  The love of the self, your daughters, and the love you get from healthy relationships, not this toxic one you are trauma bonded to.

There is a movement on Tiktok of women de-centering men.  Perhaps have a look at it and motivate yourself to centre yourself instead.  I lost my family but I found me.  I have self esteem for the first time in my life after being devalued my whole childhood.  It is the best feeling in the world but I had to work hard to get there.

The acclimatization of RADICAL ACCEPTANCE (youtube.com)

10 Shocking Ways To Break A Trauma Bond With A Narcissist | Thought Catalog

[Jasper_123]

Hi @Rahrah84 , 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. My heart aches reading this post and imagining the feelings you must have had over the years. It takes such a long time to heal from this level of abandonment from the person who is meant to love you most. 

What I want to ask you however is: Have you thought about the impact this has on your children / your daughters. Seeing their father have violent outbursts? Seeing him do nothing to help you? You deserve so so so much better than what this man has given you.