Feel so hurt and betrayed

[Serezza]

I have been with my husband for 15 years now and supported him at the onset of his mental illness about 5 years ago. He has depression, PTSD from child sex abuse and this is undiagnosed because he doesn't believe me .... addiction to gaming and the online gaming community. 
This week he has just asked for a divorce after a fight we had where he had been secretive about the amount of time he had been spending with his online gaming community. The past few years he hasn't been working, so I have had to financially support the family (we have two primary school children) and I have not been able to talk to my friends about dealing with his illness out of loyalty to him, so that he won't feel awkward when he sees them. I have been so lonely, felt trapped in my situation and just exhausted and now I feel so hurt and betrayed about his request for divorce, especially after I fought so hard and battled an insurance provider to claim an insurance income stream for him. It feels like now he has gotten his money he wants to get rid of me and he's even hinting at wanting to take the family home, which is jointly owned by me and my sister and which he has never paid a mortgage repayment, although he has helped with renovations. I can't believe he has chosen his online gaming community over me. He belittles me over little things like when I ask for his help to install google chrome on my MacBook (he hates Apple), belittles my beliefs (I am Christian and he hates my God), and my inability to cook (I work so hard I don't have time for cooking or house cleaning). In our last fight I was surprised at the amount of contempt he has for me. He says he's got a lot of resentment built up for me because I didn't know how to be kinder to him when he first got ill? But I was learning myself about mental illness and don't think this is entirely fair of him. I don't even expect him to work. I tried my absolute hardest but everything I do, he twists it to make it some reason to resent me. He says he just can't talk to me and on the online gaming community he can be anonymous while not having to deal with awkward social interactions but there's a few women he talks to on there. I know there's nothing I can do anymore about our marriage but I don't know what to do with all the hurt and betrayal I am feeling. I find it hard to sleep, I have already been through enough now, how will get through this divorce too? Feeling so alone and like my heart's been ripped out. 

[Corny]

Your husband takes you completely for granted @Serezza. I am not a gamer but it sounds like this habit has had a deep impact on your marriage resulting in feelings of rejection, lies and probably intimacy problems too. 

Only time will tell if he goes through with it, he could be bluffing. Past behaviour is a fairly good predictor of future behaviour. Has he done this many times before, said he was going to leave and never does? It's his actions that will tell you the real deal. I know that words really hurt, but his actions or inaction will reveal a lot of truth.

It's not OK to put you down, that is so painful. Anyone can be broken by an abusive relationship, even if your parent/s were loving when you were a child. It chips away at you, and this could escalate into a full DV situation if you aren't careful. But he would have known what your religious beliefs you had when you got together, why the sudden insults. 

I find it curious that he uses the phrase 'loyalty' in reference to making you keep your mouth shut about his MI.  

And as for the money situation, what has been his attitude to money for the duration of the relationship? Does it come as a surprise that he thinks of $$$ first or is this new. It sounds like he is the sort of person that doesn't have much capacity to stand on his own. He has to have everything taken care of by other people, before he even attempts to leave. I just think that you are a t risk of him dragging this out, giving you little bits of crumbs, and leading you on. I would not be surprised if he doesn't leave until he finds another women to take care of him, and then you would be doubly hurt all over again. 

CSA is absolutely devastating, he changes the course of your entire life, but he is the only person that  can seek treatment for that. He's formed a relationship with you and seeks romantic relationships so there is evidence that he is not entirely broken, and he can be resourceful when he needs to. 

Despite the abuse, I get the sense your husband has a very healthy sized ego and a rigid sense of self. Which may shock you that I say that. I just think that despite outward appearances of being very insecure, he can also be very entitled, re: angry outbursts etc. 

I would get legal advice and the financials in order. Sounds like maybe the family home came from inherited family money. Unless he was personally mentioned in that will/estate......too bad so sad buddy, it is not yours. My views as a result of my own DV past that included financial abuse are too extreme for most folks, I'd be wrapping that puppy up in a family trust for your own self. But I understand that my views are a little heavy handed for most peeps.

Nothing can prepare you for the pain of heartbreak. I would recommend zero contact if that can be achieved and don't keep reminding yourself of him by going on social media. All those brain circuits will be reinforced. Create new brain associations, habits and routine .But this all takes time, probably a few years, so go steady on your self. Best, Corny

[MumO]

Hi @Serezza 

I hear you and understand how you might be feeling. At the moment it is all fresh and so dissapointing that all the effort you put in this relationship haven't been acknowledged and appreciated. Seems like you have done a lot to save him and your marriage, but now it is time to look after yourself. Unfortunately you can't change anybody unless they willing to do it. My suggestion would be talk to your Gp,  get a mental health care plan to see a psychologist to go through your grivience process. Also get a legal advice about the assets. 

Take care

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @Serezza,

Your actions show you are a good person.. Please reconnect to your friends as I don't believe the judgements you are getting from your husband are accurate, so please get a second opinion from those who know you.   

Take care of yourself as I think you sound awesome

[Serezza]

Thank you so much for your kind words Corny, I seem to feel worst in the mornings or when I wake up in the middle of the night. Working is the only thing I'm good at, maybe I have been working too much and that is why things could not work out. I think he is serious about the divorce, he has never asked for it before and I just feel as if his resentment for me has reached a point where he doesn't care if I exist or not, as long as I just leave him alone. But I suspect you will be right and it will take a while for him to leave, and I agree, it will be when he wants something more with one of the girls in his online gaming community and I find this thought so unbearable. You have given me some interesting things to think about. He is generally not physically violent but there have been a few instances where he was so angry at me that I have been hit. And yes, he did know my religious beliefs when we first got together. 

There was a really lovely side to him when he wasn't ill yet and that's probably the reason why I've made such an effort to stick around. But there's been less of that side lately and more of the snappy, irritable, belittling and ignoring behaviour lately. He is not completely broken but I think he truly believes he can't heal with me around and that hurts so much. I want him to be healed but I feel so bitter because he doesn't want me around for that, how do I learn to accept that?

I think I will look into a family trust for the family home but is it too late now for me to transfer it? Asset protection doesn't really work in divorce right? 

[Serezza]

Thank you for understanding. It's funny, I know that you can get used to any situation in time, and it's the adjustment part inbetween that will be difficult. I just wish there was a way to quicken that bit up! 
Maybe I should have reached out for help sooner, if so, I might have been able to salvage the marriage. All these scenarios keep running through my head and i agonise over whether a different choice of job, action or event might have meant the difference. 

[Serezza]

Thank you for being so kind, I do have a large and varied social circle, I just don't talk about him negatively to my friends but I suspect they have their own opinions of my situation anyway. I wonder if perhaps I will be less lonely through the divorce than the mental illness. Through that it was just me and God mostly but now I finally feel I can tell my friends. It's the first time I've reached out and posted on a forum. Maybe there will be a lot more firsts for me (and hopefully, good ones)...

[Corny]

I just can't  be a complicit bystander by pretending that hitting you is no big deal @Serezza . That is not OK and it makes me really angry he has. I know you love him and must have fallen deeply in love at the beginning to still be there, but trust me this could escalate to a full blown DV situation. Your posts show the signs of the potential of a DV situation that your are labelling a mental health problem. Yes, all sorts of broken brains can result in violence with no intent, children and adults with intellectual disabilities, people with Alzheimer's or parkinson's disease at the end of life from the medications can be violent but this is not OK. And who's to say that someone with a mental illness cannot also be an abusive person, they can! Trust me, I've lived it, you can be both. 

It's common for lots of people to roll from one relationship to the next and not leave the unhappy one they are in until they meet someone else to replace you with. I just worry that you will be led on and fed crumbs, building up your hopes when he clearly is unhappy. 

There's sexual abuse and then there is sexual abuse. He is actively chasing other people in online chat rooms, and has been married before so the relational side of him has not been destroyed by the abuse. He sill wants connection and intimacy. It doesn't seem to display that shell shocked, war zone step out of a torture chamber, demeanor other people with these experiences can......so in saying that @Serezza he probably will re-partner. Nothing can prepare you for the pain of that. God it hurts like hell. You feel like your heart is literally breaking while you are simultaneously loosing your mind. Love isn't always even @Serezza . And some people just don't feel it for us. I've been there, women just didn't feel it for me, or just not as deeply and wholly as me.......times does help, but you have to take action. Thought is not enough. 

I agree with what you said, you may be less lonely single than with someone who is actively rejecting you every day, hurting your confidence, making you feel so undesirable and not wanted. People talk about being trauma bonded to a person and how hard that is to break, but the thing I have noticed with addiction is there often seems to be more than one. There are other chemical bonds that are even harder to break ie: drugs & alcohol so if you guys have been coping with life with these and have bonded that way instead of emotional and physical intimacy it will be really tough going getting out of this chemical bond and association. If you have the finances for it I would move out. Conflict can also be a powerful bond that keeps some couples together. Fights seem to replace the intimacy but your nervous system can get used to high drama, and other people can feel like a complete bore. 

I am sure there is lots of history and details you haven't been able to share. I would connect with health professionals. You seem to not be talking about it to friends and very isolated and alone with this tornadoe of emotions. I totally get the bitterness/rage heat coming up in your chest when the caring role has been unappreciated at the expense of your health. I have that with my parents, I was a child carer, just a function really, with violent consequences if I didn't comply. 

It's a very stressful time for you. Could you warm yourself in the sun at a dog park? Maybe one of the local guys or gals will do the plop. I love the plop, where you're just sitting on the grass reading and then you have a friend in your lap, assuming the postion. Man, they are the cutest. Corny

[Serezza]

Thank you so much @Corny for the care you have already shown to me, a stranger. I feel like you most know the situation I am in and what I am feeling. Thank you for understanding that one of the worst parts is that after everything I have done for him, it's unappreciated. He values the "she makes me happy" from a stranger more than the difficult commitment from the wife who has also never been happy since his MI started. You are right about how much it hurts. I love how you describe the pain involved with when they choose to be with someone else "God it hurts like hell. You feel like your heart is literally breaking while you are simultaneously loosing your mind." Until you said it, I didn't realise it's my mind too. I am losing my mind from the hurt and betrayal because it's supposed to just be my heart, but why does my head hurt? Why does everything hurt? Why does he do this and think it's alright? It's so bad in the early mornings when I wake up. Who can I talk to at that time when everyone is asleep? 

[Corny]

@Serezza There are so many users and takers out there, some of them the closest to us, even people in our own families can be out for themselves, or lack the capacity for reciprocation and respecting others needs and the right to their own life and freedom. It's bewildering. 

When your brain isn't wired to be self-serving, but social and looking for respect and connection its such a shock to learn that we aren't all built the same and that we have to have our guard up. Has this issue with the house changed your opinion of your husband @Serezza ? His sense of entitlement. He's on a free meal ticket and still asking for more!

You don't have to apologise for falling in love with him and still being under his spell, it happens to the most sensible people & you had no control over that, but he does still have a strong hold over you emotionally and he could toy with this; for a long time! You see to me, using the phrase 'loyalty' and implying you have to keep what happens in the house a secret sounds like a threat to me. And if you have been given lots of threats over the years, that can completely re-wire your head. Does he threaten SH or suicide if you end the relationship?

but why does my head hurt? Why does everything hurt?

I guess because your nervousness of the pain it will cause when you see him with someone else is clashing with the logical part of your being that knows you haven't been treated well. When someone betrays us and makes a fool of us we leap to their defense, but really I think it is ourselves we are defensive about. Because we are embarrassed and ashamed we fell for them and couldn't see such obvious flags to not pursue it in the first place. But we went down that road, physical and sexual attraction has a lot to do with that. 

When you talk about the early morning waking etc it reminds me of death, when someone I love has died I do that, the sleep is all messed up. You are mourning the loss of your marriage and the grief will come in waves.

You somehow have to find a way to live with this wound, and the fact the scab will be ripped off out of the blue every now and then will probably most definitely occur.

I don't pressure myself to heal, and I don't pressure myself to forgive.

Some things are absolutely unforgivable.

For some reason I feel lighter this way. It feels more real and genuine. Not faking it. Instead of stuffing my head full of pressures that come from people or dogmas in society I have nothing in common with and haven't had my experiences.  

That's my 2 centrs @Serezza , I hope its not too secular for you, I still respect your own beliefs. 

It was minus 5c in Canberra this morning, and 4 degrees where I am. Australian's wig out at these temps! And I think Glady's is getting a little panicked here in Sydney @Serezza , the cops were on motorbikes with flashing lights riding onto the grass in the park asking Mum's with prams and takeaway coffees and people throwing the ball to their puppers what they were doing. That's a bit heavy handed isn't it, they were wearing masks. 

Corny