not coping

[outlander]

Its ok, im abit better I just cant think when I have a war going on here @Sans911 ive eased that on both front now so im abit better as well.

I have thought about presenting to the ED, especially when things flare up even more. There just seems to be so many factors happening that it terrifies me at what to do, how to tell anyone and what steps to take evne though I know I have options or its staring at me in the face. I cant work up the bravery to do much more then to do it on my own. It sounds stupid but I feel like if I tell others besides health professionals then its like its worrying people for no reason. you know how when your fearing something so much you just cant make a decision? thats where im sitting. im looking for people like specialists but i still have to get myself to get there, choose, sort it out etc. 

Ive actually been looking at other health insurance however if I switch it almost restarts my timing and also because this has occurred now they class it as something thats already getting diagnosed so some things arent covered, ike if this had come up in another 2 months I wouldve got the hospital side of things covered however since its happening within the 6 months of being on it they class it as a pre-existing condition. Pretty silly but thats the same for every healthcare. If I switch it means at least 2 months wait anyway. Im only just able to use it for minor things like chiro, massage physio that sort of thing.

Yeah I have considered medications but I always get the side effects that upset my stomach so im hesitant even more now esp with whats happening now. Im already sensitive to it as it is without this. The pdoc has been trying to pump meds into me since ive seen him and if I dont then 'theres nothing he can do'. Honestly I just dont know anymore.

I should be clearer when I say I for somethings. Pop does contribute to his care- like he has his own pay but because I manage it all and have to delegate etc its still my responsibility. So I guess he does help with the costs I just have a habit of saying I as I pay the companies etc even when it comes out of his pay. Hope that clears it up abit?

Yeah the anger thing concerns me too, Im planning to get the hell out of the house if he starts after that meeting. I know he will ring my mother so I will make sure he has credit but he wont listen to me. It will take someone else telling him to knock it off (probably wrong wording here) without me being there. I dont need a place to go, I have a car I can literally sit near the beach for hours or go to my horses till things settle down. I know I should be there to support him but im not risking it either. Hes not a physical person so I doubt it would happen but the things he says etc even though he doesnt mean it I just cant..

Thanks sis

[Sans911]

Yeah @outlander , I am hearing how overwhelming everything is that just making a decision and what steps to take are super hard lil Sis.  And it’s not stupid at all about not worrying people. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year I wasn’t sure whether I should tell anyone straight away either. And everything happened so quickly as well. Tests, biopsy and the results within a day, making decisions about surgery, what kind of surgery to have, these all happened in the space of less than 2 months. And I actually had a cancer that was considered by some medical specialists as a ‘pre-cancer’. So the cancer you have before you have cancer???!!!  What??

And I know the issues with meds and your gut. Sorry, it was just a suggestion but maybe there is something that might help without impacting on you. And what a daft thing to say from the pdoc. Such a shame that is a common line that is peddled out by many of them.

I figured out some time ago that when you where saying ‘I pay’ that it was likely that you were responsible for managing his money. Thanks for clarifying though. And even though you think your pop might not be violent or hurt you, it’s not unknown in dementia patients. Good that you have a plan of escape even from his anger if that happens. Which is quite likely. Sometimes you need other people to tell him his behaviour is unacceptable, because he thinks it doesn’t matter with you.

And yes, it would be nice for you to be there to support him, but sometimes that isn’t possible. When people are angry, it can become very difficult to make them see reason. Space apart might be helpful for both of you,

[outlander]

yeah it is really tricky @Sans911
the mole I had removed 2 years ago was actually pre-cancerous but it was caught so removing it was enough thankfully.
exactly! how does someone make those decisions so damn quick! when its urgent its urgent not much time to think so I guess just do whatever feels right at the time...

Ive just noticed something on the scan. you know how I said 19cm? there is a small smudge at the bottom of the 9. im friggin hoping that means its a 1.9 cause that's a huge difference though I don't know if that means it really is nothing. I know its not-something isn't right whether its this or something else (the stomach thing is what the gp is concerned about). im going to ring them too on Monday and get them to double check what they've written. The gp would check those things wouldn't he? maybe that's why hes not worried as much as I am? maybe hes seeing a dot? makes me wonder now.
still doesn't say what it is besides the number-and does still suggest urgent mri so I don't know what to think now.

no apologies necessary, al suggestions are welcome. I told him im very sensitive to medications esp when weight gain or nausea is involved. its very frustrating.

yeah I think we are starting to reach more of the unpredictable side of things now even if it seems unlikely. best to be prepared anyway. yes he never listens to me, just really takes it out on me often in secret.

[outlander]

also I have had it put away cause it was driving me crazy, I only brought it out tonight because I had to scan and email it to a healthcare person.

[outlander]

I gad another panic attack, its passed now @Sans911 butif your still around i wouldnt mind you sitting with me if your ok.

[Sans911]

Oh course I'm here lil Sis @outlander. Can you got get a drink, maybe splash your face?

[outlander]

I just had a shower and in bed @Sans911 and played a wordsearch on my phone to try and settle abit more

[Sans911]

I must admit that I was curious that you might have a mass that big. And those damn dots can be tiny. Clarification might be helpful.

@outlander

[Sans911]

Shame I can't play a word game with you @outlander. I play words with friends2, Cody cross, and word stacks.

[outlander]

I really hope that is a dot and not a smudge cause that is a huge difference. @Sans911 dont know what thatll mean in the ways of treatment for it.

I feel like im going to be sick and cant get pills down. Will be back in a few minutes, going to just grab a drink and grab a barf bag out of the closet