Lived Experience Forum

[Lost9]

Hi @Powderfinger ,

Even though you are suffering terribly you sound like you can still think logically. You have to do what is right for you as everyone is an individual with individual circumstances. I hope you will feel better in time. I'm glad you have a good friend who can stay with you. If ever you care to share your story you would be surprised what I could believe. I've met some unbelievable people in my time. My thoughts are with you and hope you eventually find happiness.

lost9

[Powderfinger]

@Lost9 

Thank you. I mostly get concerned about sharing my story because I'm petrified people won't listen, I will be abandoned cause they can't cope or they will just abandon me altogether. I suffered terribly after I left with those things happening to me. It tore me apart. A now ex friend whom I loved and adored ghosted me. I was at a point of really taking my life. After that I completely stopped trusting everyone. I get scared to risk opening up again for that to happen to me. 

[Lost9]

Hi @Powderfinger,

i'm sorry you find it hard to open up but I understand. I think you will find a lot of supportive people on this forum who know pain. Maybe not exactly your pain but we've been though our own private hell too. Please feel free to open up when you are ready. As I said you will be surprised what we do believe having met some unbelievable people and situations in our own lives. Take care,

lost9

[Powderfinger]

@Lost9 

Thank you. I did start opening up. I have a post titled doing this for me. It was so hard to write. I've been impacted by severe trauma and insanity. I'm very badly affected. It is still raw. I havn't even begun recovery. 

[Lost9]

Hi @Powderfinger I read your post. Thank you for sharing. You have been through the mill but you can see that she gaslighted you, that she was manipulative and far too possessive. You had the strength to end the relationship. Good for you! Well done!! You deserve to find the person who will value you for yourself. Someone not so controlling and manipulative. But of course, as you have indicated, you have to heal first. This may take some time. I hope you eventually find the happiness you deserve. Lost9

[Powderfinger]

Hi @Lost9 

Thank you for reading that post. I'm always honest about how I feel. I think it is part of healing and the healing journey. Yes, I could and can see those things. Seeing and experiencing them was and still is deeply excruciating to my heart. It is because I always knew and still know that it would end the relationship and that we could never be together. 

I was deeply in love with her when I ended the relationship. It wasn't easy for me to end it. I wanted my life spent with this person and I did adore her. On the other hand, I was being abused. That is very clear. This person was part of my life, I wasn't just in love with her, I fell in love with all of her. Who knows initially what is going to come in the relationship? Could I have known? Nope, I couldn't have. 

At this stage I'm dealing with reframing my messed up head to remember and realise that a person who does truly love you and is truly in love with you does not do these things to their partner. It's very easy for an abuser to make you believe things when you are in love with them, when you trust them and when you want to be with them. 

Manipulation and gaslighting is enough to make you eventually be so bonded to them that it gets harder to leave them. The mind games are the worst part. I'm still trying to sort my head out and it's damn hard. It's like painful everyday when you work out the truth of a specific mind game they played. It's like facing the fact they didn't love you all over again when you work something new out. It is never over just cause you leave. The aftermath is hell too. 

At this point I don't want to be with anyone. I'm far from interested. I'm very broken in myself, in alot of pain and my life is a mess. I think to get into a new relationship right now or even a few months down the track would me a mistake and a disaster. I can't bring this baggage with me. I alone find it hard to carry. 

Speaking of honesty though. It would be nice for people to be direct when they see and read what I write. I say this because when you are the only one calling abuse out, after going through the things I did, everytime I do it, I have to tell myself I'm not lying. Why, because the abuser always denies the abuse in various ways when you confront them while in a relationship. They deny, lie or tell you it's rubbish, you make excuses, you say to yourself try will get help and so on. It actually can be helpful to a victim for people to be honest and call it out for what it is and speak their mind. 

If you feel like it, tell me how you felt and what you thought after reading my post. 

PF

[Lost9]

Hi @Powderfinger 

Thank you for your honesty and openness. It is very hard for me not to be biased in your favour as I told you my brother was in a relationship with a narcissist. I also treated her and thought of her as a family member and friend. He was with her for 7 years and he was in love with her. We eventually saw through her gaslighting, lying and manipulation. She didn't love my brother and she also had no feelings for me. She got me involved with a type of pyramid selling by trusting her and by her bullying me which I had to go through legal channels to get out of. I know your situation is different. But I completely understand your description of events. Narcissists have this way of manipulating the situation that it feels like it's all your fault, that you are making a mountain out of a molehill but it is not your fault and it is a big deal. I don't want to lay blame. They can't help what they are but it is not other people's fault it stems from them and thank goodness you have the strength to see that. If you have a psychologist you can talk to it might be benificial to get their opinion. There are psychologists who specialise in this sort of area and there are books which deal with this topic. Perhaps you have already done this. I don't know what I can say except I'm so sorry you are going through hell at the moment. I just hope it gets better with time. This is my honest opinion and my indirect experience.

lost9

lost9

[Powderfinger]

@Lost9 

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry for what your brother and yourself went through. I can only imagine how very painful and difficult your brothers healing and recovery has been. I don't think I will ever fully heal. 

I disagree that they can't help who they are. It can be diagnosed and they can learn to not use the narcissism. They just don't believe they have a problem. To them they are perfect. It is impossible for them to acknowledge there is a problem with them most times and it is extremely rare for a narcissist to go get a diagnosis. How dare you even insinuate there is an issue. I was the only one that said horrible things about her. I know that's not actually true. Lots of people say alot about her. 

PF

[Lost9]

Hi @Powderfinger 

I think you are right. Few narcissists believe they are narcissists. It is my understanding that some people still choose to love and live with them by setting a lot of boundaries. But stalking you and controlling you sends warning signals to me. It is hard to heal such wounds and to feel safe again. And I personally would hate to live with constant mind games.  I only hope time will heal some of those wounds and you find the right person for you. Sharing on sites like this may be the first step to beginning to heal. I hope so. Take care,

lost9

[Powderfinger]

@Lost9 

Yes, it is common for some people to stay with them, love them and set lots of boundaries. I think each relationship needs to be taken on an individual basis. Contrary to what most people would believe after reading my story, I can be nothing but honest. Sometimes to my own worst outcomes. I am still in love with her. I am grieving terribly for the loss of what could have been. There were quite a few things I loved about her and quite a few things we had in common. Shared interests. It is very hard to consolidate the things she did and the person I came to love. I know it sounds strange, for both of it was love at first site when we met.  Considering the things that have happened, it would be hard to believe. I do know for sure that that happening was very real. Real for both her and me. That is completely undeniable. 

That is why all of this is so hard to deal with. In saying that, I am slowly coming to acceptance that it is over and I am not and cannot go back to her. Nothing will have changed and nothing will change. It was a really hard decision to take out the restraining order. It took me 5 weeks to decide. To many that would seem like a no brainer. To me it just wasn't that simple. Coming out of the relationship, I was in a very bad way. I had a friend and my only friend stay with me for 3 weeks because I was heavily suicidal. I truly did not trust myself not to take my life. It was all I thought about 24 hours a day. So, I guess what I am doing right now, is spending my time falling out of love with her. That is partly why I did my "doing it for me* post. 

Crazily enough, I equated stalking with love. I know it wasn't now. I equated her contacting me as love, which I know now was not. Im educating myself on NPD and watching lots of videos, doing lost of research and reading. I have a therapist. I am not sure if she is right at the moment, but I will see. I have only had one session with her and I barely remember that session. There is so much going on in my mind. I need a lot of time to myself as I get tired and I need to focus on me. I have very little attention span when it comes to anything outside of me. Most days are bad days. Most days I am finding it hard to get out of bed. Some days ecternal stuff from others and life is just too much for me. The damage of course is undeniable. I need time and I need as much time as I need. I am not prepared to put any time frame on it. That is just too much pressure for me. I am really struggling every single day. Looking at my future, is not something I am in the headspace to do.