Lived Experience Forum

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member 

I have noticed how my own and my sibling's SH behaviours have shifted and morphed. 

When at my absolute lowest, the only way I can self soothe is rocking in foetal position, or keeping moving and busy.  Both!

Forgiving self for backslides can help.

Apple

[Former-Member]

Hello @Appleblossom 

I am hating myself right now , l am alone in a crowd. I am not heard so its better to be quiet.

I SH to punish myself for everyone hating me and not bothering to be with me.

The emotional pain is horrible but add the physical pain and its becoming unbareable.

Its easy to say no one cares because l validate to myself that hurting myself is okay. 

I am stuck in my own sinking ship and as the captain down l go .

[Truffles]

@Former-Member we care about you

[Former-Member]

Thank you @Truffles  

[Appleblossom]

Each person's path is unique @Former-Member but SH is a sign that things have been bad for a while, and that psychosocial support inadequate. You matter as an individual, but finding meaning can be hard when there seems too much piled up agin us.

The forum cant provide for all needs, but it is an avenue.

Gently Bently

Apple

[Former-Member]

Hey @Appleblossom 

yeah l know the forums arent there for total support , its more a to vent where l have no other support and currently l am ignoring the supposed to care support l have.

The SH is a bad sign and l know l need to stop but temptations are too strong at times.

I am in a bad place where l am not caring and that scares me.

[Former-Member]

I know it's hard. @Former-Member 

There isn't an easy answer. I've been to alot of psychologists. I found it a waste of time, to be honest. 

[Appleblossom]

Sorry to hear that. @Former-Member 

 I too can easily flip into a very serious 'not caring what happens to me' mood.  The problem for me is that it can come on very quickly, without much warning.  I was in a mean mood this afternoon, and just did my gardening (being physically busy helps me). If anyone had stopped me I am not sure what I would have said.  As a lot of SH stuff gets deeper than words and so I need preverbal and nonverbal strategies.   I just can say what works for me as we are all different, and comparisons are rarely helpful, and we have to be careful about being too specific, as we do not want to encourage negative behaviours.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member 

I have seen a few over the years , but HE seems to be the hardest. Maybe l take what he says to heart.

Maybe l have opened up more to him than the others and when he says inconsiderate comments l am hurt.

He knows more personal things than any one else knows.

Maybe HE is right by saying if he fails me , he will only end up dissapointing me and thats how it feels.

I was actually scared of him for the first time since talking to him. I am afraid if l say the wrong thing he will bite my head off again so l hold back.

Our last session , just before we finished off on zoom l was getting upset and he picked up and asked what l was feeling ,but l said oh well time is up, but HE was like , l was late so we have a few more seconds to talk , but l really wanted it to end and when HE left the session l broke down in tears.

I was hurt and upset but l kept that to myself alone. Wiped away my tears and went along my day like l didnt matter.

So this week l decided rather explain what happened at the ending of our last session , l chickened out and cancelled . No explaining email to HIM .

But saying that HE hasnt exactly made the effort to find out why or touch base or check in. 

HIS l dont really care personality shows through. WOW 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Appleblossom 

Unfortunely strategies have not really worked for me , tried many but the Psychotic cat in my head well she runs the show and she decides on how badly my SH gets. 

I am in pain , l am tired and that makes me cranky and feel sorry for myself.

I dont tell people in person how l am really feeling because it wont be all positive and rainbows and unicorns and sugar and spice and all things nice.

Being truthful can come across as negative , but thats why we lie , we fake it , we act like someone else because no one really wants to hear the truth.

But how am l supposed to heal when my mind and body are falling apart ????

I havent got the strength to fight with people around me .

I am just giving up , so l wont be the burden to my psychologist to hear and to read my emails on why l am not feeling better this week. 

I am not negative , l am being realistic .

My struggles are real , my pain is real its NOT all in my head. The last 3 years have been horrific and things are not improving. 

So ?????????