My special place

[Sans911]

You have a lovely, caring husband @Snowie. He is a keeper that is for sure.

Try to be kinder to yourself tonight. Just because you SH, you don't need to be angry. You are doing the best you can right now, and SH is a coping strategy to try to 'awaken' other senses that you are feeling. You are hurting really badly right now, so be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge to yourself that it's really, really difficult right now, and you are doing all you can to survive this nightmare.

I know the wait is frustrating. Remember I had to wait almost 8months for my therapist. Yes, waiting is the pits, but you can't make it go. You just got to hold on for this bumpy right. You managed before when you were like this; with our support and love, and your family's support, you can get through this. I know you can.

You have nothing to be guilty of hun. Nothing. You have done no wrong. You are trying to stay strong in one of the most hellish times of your life. And if you feel guilt over things that have happened before, you have no need. Sometimes people are stronger than us. They wear us down, they get to us when we are vulnerable and often inexperienced at life. They are not worth being guilty over. Don't spend another ounce of thought on them. Crush them underfoot is all they are worth.

I know you are scared and fearful. Fearful of what next? Fear of going through this trauma and coming out ok on the other side. Fearful of what others think of us. Fearful of being misjudged, mistreated and misunderstood. You can't do anything about anyone else and their thoughts. All you can do is control your reactions to them.

And @Snowie you are strong, you have courage and tenacity, you care, you have the most loving heart, you are an amazing mother and wife, despite your MI. Everyone will get through this ok. I know it. Yes, there will be scars. But scars fade in time. And so shall the memories of this horrific time you are enduring.

[Snowie]

Wow @Sans911, thankyou 

You certainly have a way for words and write from the heart.

Thank you for validating my feelings and thoughts. It has helped more than you realise. H is keeping careful watch over me. I know I am lucky to have him, luckier than others. I do find it harder to tell him things but am working on that.

I have taken a photo of your post on my phone to read through when I get distressed again. I see my pdoc Friday afternoon so will mention how I am going to him too.

I am just going to take it minute by minute. Thank you again 

[Sans911]

Thank you @Snowie. It is easier looking from the outside back in. We are not so different you or I, or for that matter, anyone else with SI thoughts. It is a very dark place, but there is another place in time you will find with love, laughter, good times and sheer, innocent joy.

You know, I will tell you something that might make you smile. Or otherwise you will think I need locking up forever! Everytime I look at your avatar, I feel like I am looking through those eyes into your heart and soul. There is a special connection there that I feel.

Yes, you are lucky to have your husband, but he is also lucky to have you as well. You must be soul mates, and there is obviously much love and strength in your marriage. You will both come out changed from this.

Please be totally honest, be vulnerable, be transparent with your pysch and pdoc. Otherwise they can't help you through this. I know it's hard to be like that. It's hard for me too. But when I saw my pysch yesterday, I was incredibly angry at something I did. I really couldn't hide it. So it was a very difficult session because I was resistive to talking about it or how to change things. I was in a very black mood, and all I wanted to do was come home and SH. But we still discussed things, and tried to open and honest why I felt the way I did.

I came home, and instead of SH, I sat through those ugly feelings and really felt them. The urge to SH/SA was really, really strong. But I had things to do today that were enjoyable (ish), and anyway the feeling has passed this morning. I cried over it, I had to make several apologies, cried some more, and I am done with that feeling. There is still much to be done about how to change things, but I believe I can do that next week and in ongoing sessions. My pysch is a bit perplexed by my many changing moods each week, but at least I am not hiding behind them.I wanted to tell you this because it's important in recovery to analyse our emothions, our behaviours, our fears. Only then you we deal with them and let them go.

[Snowie]

@Sans911no I don't think we are that different. 

Yes you did make me smile. Sometimes I vision what you and others would look like and if I would recognise you if I passed you in the street. I think we all probably do that from time to time.

I am glad you could control your SH, from when I first meet you till know, I can see such a growth in you sweetie. There were times I thought we had lost you for good. I am not as fearful of that know, however I know how strong those urges can be.

I find it easier to be honest with my psych then my pdoc. It is hard opening up but I am getting better at it. I think our changing moods is part of us riding the highs and lows with our MI.

Hi @outlander my other sweet sis, I see you there 

[outlander]

@Snowie 

[Sans911]

I think tonight you are already better than last night @Snowie. You seem more open and responsive. You were very shut down the last day or so. So you have Sh toonight, but at least you are calmer and able to talk over things. Of course I am still worried about you, very worried, but already I feel you are coping just a little better. Would I be right about that?

[Snowie]

@Sans911my psych said to me today so try and open up more to H. He doesn't know I am back on here but I thought if I can open up more to H, then I should try it on here. It still goes against my feelings of being needy and not worth the help, but I think those feelings will take a long time to overcome. 

SH is still a problem and has left me with painful reminders that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. But right now it is a coping strategy. Considering the other option I have, SH will have to do for now.

So yes, I think I am coping a bit better than last night, or perhaps more accepting of getting help.

In saying all that, I am logging off. I have had my meds plus prn to haven't got long until it will put me to sleep.

Thank you again for your help my sweet sis @Sans911. I appreciate it more than you will ever realise. You really are an angel watching over me.

Thanks to @outlander @Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7 I know you have all been sitting with me too

[outlander]

goodnight @Snowie

[Sans911]

I understand @Snowie. We can talk more about this tommorrow if you want. Goodnight sweet sister. Get some much needed rest. You have had a big day.

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Snowie ..... ❤️