Hello @MDT
{Long post: total words ~1200}
I saw your thread titled “Sad and Depressed”. You've said that you do not care about anything and that you think that everything is fake. You also said that you do not want to see other people, which you will feel obligated to do when the virus 'lockdown' ends.
You're idea about starting small when restrictions are lifted, sounds appropriate I think, for you and also for other people. If people try to catch up, too quickly, on everything and with everyone they have missed during 'lockdown', then there are likely to be more stress related problems experienced over the months following the lifting of restrictions.
The fact that you are preparing a path, specifically for you, following the lifting of restrictions, sounds positive. I also noticed that you intend starting with activities like your gym routine that has the double effect of physical as well as psychological benefits.
I've noticed that you have often referred to comparisons between yourself and others, with regard to social and work activities, progress and development. Partly because you see the comparisons showing you as not being “right up there with everyone else”, you appear to have applied the all or nothing thinking that seems to have lead to feeling that you are a failure {maybe look at CBT}. That implied conclusion does not seem correct to me, as I'm sure that others would also think. I believe, while it might not be very much consolation for you, I understand that feeling of being overwhelmed with everything, closely followed by negative self-reflection and feelings.
Depression is often accompanied by the feelings and thoughts of being useless and a loser, to which you referred. Been there, done that too. That feeling of being “worthless” is just a feeling, and does not need to be expressed as a fact or reality, whatever and however we feel. There is also the fear associated with presenting yourself among and mixing with other people, which I think is a product of those feelings of unequalness and worthlessness. Even from the limited view, that we have of each other through this forum site, it is obvious to me, as I believe that it is also to others, that you are a worthy person having many worthwhile attributes.
If you were to feel confident and comfortable with yourself, you may then feel more comfortable mixing with other people. Unfortunately, the inconsistency, randomness and variation in timing of your feelings can mean that when you are feeling well, you are still, even then, often fearful of being enmeshed and overwhelmed by the suddenness and timing of those negative feelings. This fear may contribute to the lack of desire to mix and engage at all with other people, even when you are feeling well.
While an invitation to a wedding, two months ahead, may need to be responded to now, you're acceptance of the invitation need only be that you intend to attend. Looking at it that way may take off some of the pressure. Each person attending may, “at the last minute”, have reason to offer an apology for their absence. The same applies to you. Accepting the invitation is a statement of your wish to attend and join them for their special occasion, but does not preclude a situation where you may not be able to attend. That situation can be the way that you are feeling closer to the event, which I hope will not happen. However, I have often felt apprehensive about attending functions, but, having attended, have felt better for going. Maybe the feedback that we get from others, that contrasts so significantly from our own most often experienced negative self-perception, actually improves that self-perception, at least for a while, till we let ourselves slip again into the old negative view and self-perception.
In you're previous posts, you have often talked about the weddings and engagements of friends and associates. These are special events, that may impress on you, the difference between their (Imaginary collective) lives and your own. But you do not have to be like “the everyone else”, who you collectively imagine, in your mind. They are as different from each other as they are from you, and you are from any of them. Some of them may live a life that you might also be pleased to live. However, there are many of the people, in that “collective others”, whose lives look good from outside, but with whom you may have no wish to trade places, if you really were aware of the intricacies of their lives.
I am cautious of your thoughts about “everything being fake”. However I offer the following suggestion. I am not a great believer in the rote learning and repetition of words in the form of “affirmations” that are promoted in various quarters. eg. “I am a wonderful person”, “I get better and better each day” etc. What I do think very useful is to set aside a time each day to visualise ourselves in positive interactions and in a variety of situations with other people. A self-directed mental role play. It does take considerable attention to set a scenario and accomplish this goal. I would suggest the selection of one scenario for each “sitting”, though that really depends on what you may feel is most effective for you. I believe that this practice or exercise can have an ongoing affect on our state of well-being, in similar fashion to the continued affect following positive feedback that we may have received at other social events that we have attended.
At the present time, it appears to me that much or even most of your time in self-reflection, is occupied considering the negative and unappealing aspects of the ways that you view your life and interactions with others. If we were to put a figure on that, we might say that more than 75% of your time could be spent in that way. If the amount of your time spent in positive self-reflection and visualisation could gradually increase, any time so spent and the flow-on affect, would displace and reduce the time spent in negative self-reflection. It is, I believe, only by our improved self-image, that we can improve the quality of our interactions and time engaging with others.
An expression that I like is:
“We can only expect others to like and even love us as much we like and love ourselves?”
That is not a statement encouraging false self-aggrandisement and, or false pride, but simply that we need to love ourselves, so that others can love us. We may see the reverse of this situation demonstrated, when we sometimes avoid contact with other people suffering from low self-esteem, particularly when we feel most vulnerable. We actually have to make a conscious effort to greet and engage with people suffering in this way. And we might even feel the need to build our defences in order to avoid any possibility, real or imagined, of transfer of that mindset, to ourselves.
I am very pleased that you will have a chance to speak with your psychologist today/tonight.
With My Very Best Wishes
@HenryX
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