I'm writing a list of things that happened so that when my head starts getting confused again or I start doubting my decisions to rid myself of this person I can come back and look at my list.
- Never listened to me at all. Literally. It was definitely like I never even spoke. I would say something and the response would be about something completely unrelated. For e.g. I could be saying it's a nice sunny day today. The response could be, I'm going to the shops later to buy eggs. Nothing at all mentioned about the weather today nor that I even mentioned it. Complete dismissal like I wasn't there nor did I speak.
- If I called out abuse, the response would be you are abusing yourself. Completely denying my reality and twisting it to make me feel as if I am wrong and I am in fact stupid plus the one doing wrong.
- If I called out abuse, her response would be that nobody else says these things about me, just you. Not even any therapists I have seen have mentioned to me even one of these things you claim, if I was an abuser I wouldn't have my kids in my care, none of my friends say these things about me.
- Saying to me that I am hiding something about my ex and maybe she should track her down and ask my ex herself. Telling me that we need to have a meeting with my ex so that she could determine whether or not it was over between us. Monitoring my phone and everytime I got a text message she would say that's probably your ex, are you not going to check your phone? I stated friends with my ex after we ended the relationship. I was honest with her about this from the beginning, I didn't hide it. I was faithful and loyal the whole way through.
- I wanted to get a haircut. I know where I like to get a haircut from. She said her friend could cut it for me. I said no thanks I will go to where I like to go. Again it was like I never spoke. Her response to that, actually in second thoughts no she can't cut your hair, she may enjoy it and start to get feelings for you. Never mentioned asking where I like to go.
- As I own my own business, she said to me if we end up working together better make alot of money, there's big things to pay for. I was shocked. So shocked I couldn't even say anything. I really began to hate her. In fact, being with her had started to disgust me.
- My housemate is a FIFO worker. I am gay, I like women, he has a long term girlfriend and we have no interest in each other at all. Just housemates, that's it. The first time she came over when my housemate was back home, I introduced as you do. She behaved hostile towards him. I felt so angry with her. Then we went to my room and she said to me, I can smell C...m on your breathe. I was horrified and felt so degraded. She was implying something I think you can all out two and two together. Of course it never happened. I was horrified and felt sick. When I bought it up with her later, she said I was just being honest. If your breathe smelt like dog sh..t I would tell you. No apology, no responsibility taken, totally justified.
- I don't have anything to do with any of my family. Therefore it wasn't really much to tell her as it is not really a topic I talk about much. She knew about some of my childhood and what specific people did.
I didn't know that she was contacting people on Facebook with my last name that lived in QLD, trying to find out if they were my family members and hunting for info about me. I was horrified when she told me and showed me the people she contacted.
I was angry. I said why are you doing this, it isn't normal. She constantly told me it was completely normal to do when you are dating someone you don't know well. It didn't matter what I said, it was normal and that was that. It was of no concern to her how I felt.
- When I ended the relationship and didn't want to see her at all, she would buy me things and send me pictures saying I bought this for you, sorry I couldn't give it to you. I would get angry and tell her to return it to the shop, I didn't want it or gift it to someone who wants it. I don't want to see you. She would respond with, I bought it to bring a smile to your face. Completely oblivious to the fact that we were not in a relationship and I did not want her buying me gifts. I knew it was all about manipulation, power and control.
- If I said no to not wanting do something - she would try bribe me. One time she tried to bribe me and say if you do it you will get a free tattoo. I didn't care and said so. I reiterated I didn't want to do it. Yet, if she no longer wanted to do it, then that made it acceptable for me not wanting to do it either.
- Would tell me lies about things and then I would find out the real truth, when I would tell her about it, the response was usually anger and then twisting and/or denying that I had the story right by re telling the story differently to the way she had originally told it. Both versions still weren't the truth and then she would tell me to stop lying about things.
- When I wanted to protect myself because her ex was attacking me, she would control my need to protect myself by telling me what I could and could not do to protect myself. Most of the time it ended up she was in control of me more often that not of deciding that I wasn't allowed to protect myself, telling me no harm is coming to you and nothing has been done to you. Manipulated me if I went against her in order to protect myself. Later in she said that she did those things out of her own fears of her ex. Liar.
- Would tell me her youngest daughter whom was 12 thought I was suspicious and not to be trusted. Questioned every few days about me as to ensure that I did not meet a psychopath profile because she believed I was. Eventually I asked her to stop because it was hurting me and starting to affect me mentally.
- The day I ended it I was so traumatised by everything, I had a panic attack and was crying at the same time, she was driving me back to my house. It wasn't the route she was supposed to be going. I said where are you going. She responded I am taking you to the mountain. I screamed at her and said I didn't want to go there, take me home right now. My panic attack got worse, I was hyperventilating at that stage. I had never been to "the mountain" it was a spot of hers. She took people there sometimes and I didn't like some of the stories. I knew it would be dangerous for me to go and she made me worse that day by trying to take me there.
After that she put the radio on in her car and played music really loud through her phone to the car radio. She was swearing loudly at the same time. But she didn't just put one song at a time, it was a medley of about 20 songs, all only played for about 5-10 seconds each very loud. It was like she was trying to torment me. Then she would try touch me and ask me why I was crying? Do you need me to take you to the hospital. That was the worst day and 20 mins I had ever had with her.
- Her ex would call her and they would discuss me. I would be right there asking her to please not do it. She would always silence me and after she would get off the phone, tell me it was normal. Completely dismiss it, dismiss me, not care about how I felt and if I got angry, she would say not in my home in front of my kids. The following day is when I ended the relationship.
- If I wasn't with her, and she was busy, when she was no longer busy she would text me. Come over or come and see me or she would just turn up at my house but not tell me she is coming over. She would never ask me if I was busy or what I was doing. Just demands to do what she wanted. If I said no, I'm not well or I'm busy, the response would be come over or come see me. No acknowledgement of me being unwell or me being busy. No offer to see if she could help cause I was not well or if we could arrange a time to see one another.
- She would tell me she us being asked out on dates by men, when we were in a relationship and not in a relationship.
There is more but all I can manage for now. Everyday there was something, most days more than one thing. Alot of gaslighting. It's hard to see how bad it is when you are in it. You know it's not good but you just don't know how bad it is. You are just trying to survive and make the relationship work everyday. I'm not going back and if she breaks the restraining order I will have no hesitation in going to the police. They take it seriously here. They will go get her and she will go into lock up and have to go before the magistrate the next day. She risks two years jail and/or a $10.000 fine. Part of me wants her to go to jail.
Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)
Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs)
Suicide callback service (24 Hrs)
Kids helpline (24 Hrs)
13 YARN