Lived Experience Forum

[RMH93]

I'm struggling to manage with bipolar II with BPD traits.

I feel out of control. I am sometimes a 'normal' rational person. Then it's like something flips in my brain and I'm either hypomanic - bouncing around the house, wanting to cook and clean all hours of the night, racing around in my car, racing thoughts, racing speech trying to keep up with my thoughts, spending money I shouldn't. When I'm hypomanic sometimes I still become suicidal and there's this sense of urgency. 

Then there's the depression - can't get out of bed, struggle to even shower or eat, sometimes eat too much, foggy minded and suicidal.

The part that really scares me is that when I become like this I have NO control. Something takes over my mind and my body and I just can't figure out how to manage this. It scares me, because I can go from being this functional, motivated, caring person with goals and ambition to someone who wants to end their life and I don't have a moment of clarity to just say "what are you doing? who are you leaving? don't do this". 

This has ended in me going to ED three times in a year due to suicide attempts. 

I just need some advice and maybe someone who experiences this too? It's so confusing for me.

Also, I am medicated and my psychologist says sometimes you still have episodes whilst medicated, but I've had two depressive episodes and a hypo in between. Does this seem 'normal'?

[outlander]

Hello @RMH93 and welcome

That sounds like alot to manage! I have bpd but dont really experience the things you do except the suicidal side if things and impulsivity.

@eth @Mazarita @greenpea may be able to offer some other advice though...

[RMH93]

Thank you @outlander.

If you don't mind me asking, do you have any advice for managing after a suicidal episode or attempt?

I'm trying to not feel guilty, because it's out of my control, but then I almost feel a sense of guilt about not feeling guilty.. I don't know if that is relatable or even makes any sense.

[outlander]

I dont mind you asking @RMH93

That makes complete sense and I relate very well to it. Ive only had one attempt but i often have plans running through my head. i experience alot of guilt from even that let alone my attempt. I guess really it takes time to recover from it all. To be honest im not sure if the guilt ever fully leaves just becomes more manageable. And yep then the guilt fades abit and then we feel guilty for not having guilt! Then the cycle starts all over again. We are complex people!
One thing I try to do is remind myself it is in the past and that i am working on bettering myself. We will all stumble and fall but each time you pick yourself up learn from those mistakes and keep working your way towards a better life.
Routines helped me to recover from my attempt and easing very gently back into things like work, social events, exercise, everything really. Self care is very important as well in not only recovery but in life in general.

From what ive read from others on here, if your on the right medications you can become more stable so have less manias or at least more manageable ones.

Do you have a psychiatrist? These deal with medications for psychiatric disorders like BPii etc.

[BandS338]

@RMH93 - I have only been diagnosed with TBI and have not been to a mental health professional yet.  That said, my mother has BPD and I am experiencing the same symptoms that you describe.  My depression has been so bad that I lay flat on the floor and cry like a baby for very long periods of time (for no reason in reality).  I know the guilt and fear you feel when it comes to the suicidal thoughts.  I have not attempted suicide but have thought of it and thought about ways to do so a lot when experiencing the depression.  It seems to me that the more I fear the what ifs, and have guilt over what ifs, the more powerful the symptoms become and the more out of control i feel too.  Lately I have been trying to live one moment at a time and I have been trying not to fear and think about the what ifs.  I feel that this has reduced the power and the amount of episodes that I have.  Lastly and most importantly.  The bible says in 2 Timothy 1:7 " For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 

Fear comes from the devil and he uses it to try and get us to make bad decision that would keep us from knowing the saving grace of Jesus Christ.  I would love to talk to you more about Jesus.  Iether way, I hope this helps and God bless you. 

[RMH93]

@outlander that's a very good point. I'm trying to learn how to leave things in the past and move forward.

I think something I also need to work on that you mention is easing back into everyday routines. I tend to go all or nothing and neither are ideal.

I do have a psychiatrist, but I don't think I see her as much as I need to, so thats something that I'm going to try to organise this week. Sometimes I feel like I need a personal assistant just to manage my life for me. It can feel very overwhelming.

[RMH93]

@BandS338 It's a very hard place to be in and I appreciate you sharing your experience with me. 

I'm glad that you have your faith and can find comfort and strength in God and Jesus, however it's not something that I personally believe in. I appreciate your offer though and I wish you luck in your recovery.

I will definitely try to take your advice to try and be more in the moment and put less focus into the anxiety and worry of the 'what ifs'.

Are you in the process of finding a mental health professional?

[eth]

Hello @RMH93 and welcome to the forums.  I was tagged here a few days ago but wanted to give you a considered response, not just answer off the top of my head.  I have bipolar 1 and complex PTSD, with long term anxiety and major depressive episodes for long periods (months at a time) with gradually less frequent hypomania, mania and even psychosis a few times in my past.  So a different diagnosis from you but with some similarities at times.  Most of my family thought I had BPD for many years, I wasn't diagnosed with bipolar until I was 46 despite several periods in hospital.

I had a serious attempt on my life 20 years ago and was in a coma for 10 days (I only found out recently that it was for that long).  Initially when I regained consciousness I was really angry that I couldn't even get that right (in the midst of hallucinations)  but over time that changed to shame and guilt, especially for the effect it had on my child particularly but other close people too.  So over the years even tho I've thought of ways at my lowest times, I have been able to put those people as an absolute priority for staying alive.  I tell myself to take 1 hour or even 10 minutes at a time and spent years reading or watching tv, just getting through each day.

Part of coming to terms with a new diagnosis is educating yourself and hopefully identifying one or two people in your life that you can rely on, and educating them too.  These days there's heaps of info available online.  The next part, for me, was learning to monitor my moods and sleep which I do by keeping charts which I show my psychiatrist.  I chart my meds I take each day too.  I think it's really important to have a team of therapists - GP, psychologist and psychiatrist - that communicate with each other regularly.  And for me I need to be completely compliant with medication.  Then comes identifying potential triggers and learning to spot them early and remain aware of them when they happen.  Very hard to do in the middle of a panic attack or dissociation, but those things don't last as long as they used to nowadays. The most important thing I work to maintain is 'insight' into where I'm at and adjusting my behaviour accordingly.  e.g. sleep hygeine (it's a thing you can google), avoiding certain triggering people, delaying any urge to spend for at least a couple of days, making sure any travel I do is supported by close people, and keeping my close people informed when I sense things are changing - either to elevation or depression and seeing my pdocs as soon as possible.

Regarding meds - it can take a long time to get the right balance and dose, and sometimes weeks to stabilize on a new regime.  And then what we need can change at times.  I think it's important to have really open communication with pdocs so they know what your life is truly like and can treat you the most effectively.

Hope some of what I've said is useful to you.  Feel free to tag me if you want to talk.  Mostly I'm on the "A Long Rave" thread, but if I get tagged elsewhere I'll get notified and respond.

Sometimes just having connections on these forums has been the only thing that kept me going - hopefully they'll be really helpful for you too.  Best wishes, Eth

Thanks for tagging me @outlander

[eth]

@RMH93 another thing that has helped me immensely has been doing a Wellness Recovery Action Plan - WRAP.  You can google it or ask me about it.