Hello my dear friend @LeChuck
Oooh the things we tell ourselves...& actually believe.
We are two peas in pod or birds of a feather...
That's my Segway to let you know I have Autism... I don't understand these sayings & often get them confused.
I did not once feel overwhelmed, or that you were spilling over into me. I promise. And, with autism it's basically impossible to lie. Having said that, I completely get what you mean about 'what are our core values? vs. what have we been brainwashed to believe we are?
The last 6 hours or so, I have been in one of the weirdest states of my life, from memory. It's a little bit like dissasociation (I have experienced b4) though with a deeper clarity.
It all feels very surreal, but I'm slightly more in touch than usual.
I felt a sense of being different when I awoke today, happenings provoked deeper change.
Now, I'm having difficulty remembering who I am.
Is that funny/strange.... That one would need a 'memory' to know who they are?
Well, can I tell you..... What you wrote!!!! Zapped me right back into ME!!!
Bizarre. I literally asked a person who I was. All the answers they gave me were very confusing. They were telling me things I was unsure if I agreed with.... But the state I was in...I guess I was so open minded, I was trying to take it into consideration.
As the conversation continued, I became more frustrated, - 'No, i was thinking....I know what I want. You are not accepting of me.' (to the other person)
I actually said it out loud a few times...'you don't let me be me.'
I still walked away, confused... Who was I?
EVERYTHING you wrote. These were the words I was yearning to hear.
It's ok to be me.
I don't have to fight for it.
You literally just saved me @LeChuck . Like, SAVED me.
When you write, that you have said too much - I am on the extreme opposite end of where your head is at! ❤️ I'm so grateful for you.
I knew inside what I wanted to hear. You gave me that. You gave me cement.
Now, I haven't addressed that you mentioned you were up to week 5 in Psych Ward. I know, from lived experience as a carer that this can be tough. I think, from what I've heard, it can depend lots on what other patients are like in there too. I have also seen that hospital can feel a safe & needed space.
I do know, it's not easy. I think it gets lonely. I would visit everyday, some years. Towards the end I had to stop visiting. I had to save myself. I fell into a trap, in a sense, where I was a rescuer. Now, after decades... In a way, he rescued me. I had to say no to abuse. Irrespective of diagnosis. I don't regret what I gave. I felt honoured & proud to be let in. Now, is my time.
My work here is well& truly done.
That part of me, the compassion, it will always be there. I am stronger & have depth of understanding about MH that I am proud to own. I have patience & understanding. It doesn't scare me. It is a unique skill I can offer the world.
I think all carers feel the same.
We get 'burnout'. At least for me, I found it most rewarding way I could live my life.
I think we are good like that! 🌸
You are helping me.
If you need, I have very basic understanding, life experience, & can be here for you too.
Another secret....I have a very limited possible friends I text & chat with.
It's not unusual & doesn't seem weird to me to send 10 or more texts per day.
If I need to.
Maybe another day I send none (rarely). I know what it feels like to think I've gone too extreme , writing what my dinner was, amongst my deepest thoughts of shame & fear & hope.
Yeh. You get it. Write as you want, or not.
I really love your outlook. The thing you wrote about not being pretty.... & I feel the same, when I'm stable. I know myself. I guess, in regards to your statement about 'turd of a person' (I wake up hating myself) & you are definately not. You are beautiful, sweet, engaged, generous, perceptive & KIND. Sorry, I lost track (ADHD) when we 'hate ourselves' & question what we really are....I think God/the universe/nature/spirit.... soul....
they know the very true core of who we are.
They know our heart.
I think you get me 💖
That bad stuff...I think it comes out, because it feels safe to be expressed now...? I have read such, anyways.
Btw - your fudge made me lol.
I hope you are ok LeChuck.
I think we are both in difficult places right now.
Please know you are welcome to express yourself however you want.
And if you want to take a step back, whatever feels ready for you.
I think you are an amazing communicator. You are helping me... Lots more than the actual real people in my life!!
Sorry, that was slightly snarky. I want you to know, I value & appreciate you. Good days, bad days, mate.
xxooxx
