Lived Experience Forum

[Posie]

Over the years I've gained and lost friends, and my bipolar has played a huge part in who they are. For a long time, I sent my 4 close friends (3 girls, 1 guy I was in a romantic relationship with, I'm a girl) thank you notes: all along the lines of "thank you for putting up with me". However, recently I've accepted that I have a lot to give, too, and that these friendships with me are not a burden on anyone, but a great source of support for each other.

Not so much with the guy, though. Although we were 'together' for several years, we work better as friends and I have found him to be a great support. Gradually, though, as I get better and stronger and need less support, I notice that he still needs me to a victim so he can be a saviour (those are harsh words, I know). Without those roles, the friendship doesn't make sense. With those roles, I am pushed back into something I no longer want to be.

How do I keep my friends as my role in my own life changes? Is it just a guy thing? Has anyone else in the forum consciously adjusted their friendships and still maintained them?

[Victor]

Hi Posie 

Good to hear from you. You raise some very interesting questions in your post. 

I imagine others on this forum have had similar experiences with friendships and other relationships. 

Has anyone else had difficulty adjusting their friendships as their mental health improves? 

It is great to hear that you are feeling stronger and have three supportive friends who accept you where you are at. 

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Posie

It's great to hear that you've made some postive changes in seeing yourself as someone with great qualities to give, rather than seeing yourself as a burden

In relationships, there's usually some type of dynamic where both parties are getting some type of benefit. When these dynamics change, it can put strain on a relationship. These changes can occur when one person makes changes (e.g., a new outlook, and new behaviours), or there are circumstantial changes (e.g., moving, starting a new job which impacts on your availability). These changes often mean that the other person(s), like your male friend, also needs to make changes to accomodate the friendship/relationsip, which can be hard for them, particularly if they were attached to a certain way of being friends with you. 

To answer your question: is this a guy thing? I'm not sure it's a guy thing, but perhaps more of what an individual wants from their friends Your other question: How do I keep my friends as my role in my own life changes? This is a big question, but I as suggested before friendship are maintained when both parties grown and change together.

There's this interesting article about friendship. It talks about how friendships, can be a bit trickier to navigate than families and partners because there isn't a formal structure. In this sense, it's easier to not have a conversation about the direction of a friendship in comparison to an intimate relationship. But I do think it can be helpful for you to think about what type of friendship you'd like from your friend/

This is part of a post written by @Alessandra1992 in response to an Ask Any Monday question (see link for full post) about different types of friendship:

the main types of friendship we tend to found ourselves in are..
Friends for work
Friends for play
Friends for living

Now the friends for living is the equal friendship between persons where we hold each other in unconditional positive regard, and we are willing to risk our friendship when we care enough for the other persons wellbeing to speak the truth..
So what do I mean by this?
Well sometimes my behaviour has been less than friendly, less than kind and downright unfriendly.. My friends for living (which number a relatively few) will challenge me about my behaviour and I thank them for it because sometimes I am blind to it..

We all have friends that bring out the mischievous in us or the lighter side of ourselves, but for it to be an enduring friendship we also need to grow together..so whilst our needs and lives change, we still honour each other by keeping contact and spending time listening or emailing or talking...
Sometimes as we mature though, we do find ourselves outgrowing our friends and that is ok as we also need to keep growing to live our lives fully..

Sometimes as we change our old friends are confused or challenged by it because maybe we won't be the same person, life however is a constant change..we gain new friends and we keep old friends it often depends on whether both people want to maintain or grow their friendships..sometimes they ebb a bit but they will often come back restored...

[Mosaic]

Hi @Posie – welcome to the Forums and thank you for taking the time to post.

I think you raise a really great point regarding MI recovery and friendship. I have often heard of this issue arising for people who are trying to recover from drug and alcohol addiction. However, it is certainly true that as people with mental health issues make progress towards recovery, they could run into some tensions with old friends or relationships.

From my experience, I believe that friendships must be able to adapt and change in order to fit in with the natural progression of life. If one (or both) parties do not acknowledge and embrace this natural evolutionary process, the friendship can quite easily struggle, drift or dissolve completely. If a friendship starts to suffer, or if we realise the friendship is actually dysfunctional, we must be able to renegotiate or redefine a common ground that is healthy and meaningful to both parties, in order for the friendship to continue.

I wonder, have you spoken to your friends about how you feel? If not, how do you think they would respond?

Look forward to hearing more of your story @Posie

All the best,
Mosaic.

[Appleblossom]

@Posie I think your post is very mature about relationships and I am a heap older but still deal with similar issues ... I wish that friendships did adapt and change but sometimes it seems a lot to ask of a particular person. That is how it is for me at least.

Welcome