Lived Experience Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Jenny4  and welcome to the forums 👋

[Former-Member]

Hi all, how are Yas? 

Today I braved the social phobia and shame and past bad experiences, to finally attend church, a Pres re contact with Sydney friend. It wasn't bad, I did sense a bit of snobbery but that could be more about them being busy. Then the sermon... It  was from Philemon, about 'forgiveness' which of cause leads me to obcess about me estranged family again (the unpleasant toxicity) but I'm reminded I've done EVERYTHING I can, especially with my sister who has stonewalled for years.

My son just told me he's planning a roadtrip to go see them all there in Sydney, I don't like him associating with people who are actively being my enemies, they have nothing good to say about anyone much less me. Makes me want to warn him not to go, but it's hard when it's the only extended family you have. Trouble is, if he's associating with people who actively wrong me, it makes me weary of him. He's forming his own thoughts now  older but that makes sit hard for him in the middle.  I have to say nothing and the rejection triggers SI. 

Hes even told me the cousins & him have enjoyed comradery in conversations bashing the three 'mentally ill' family members (my two bros with psychosis & drug addictions, drug induced paranoid schizophrenia - I mean living in foil cave & survelance cameras everywhere and hospital admissions). And me, my starting it all off with my own MH hospital admissions  (major depression after 2 major losses). It kinda hurts to be put in the same bag as drugAdictionSx brothers... but MI is MI if you're out to perpetuate stigma and justify feeling powerless not lifting a finger / or a word to help instead... Immature & ignorant in my opinion, these boys are in their late 20s. It's hard to live down the shame of surviving suicide attempt but especially with relatives like this. My

Bro's boys are hurt the most with their dad's psychotic delusions told him he is not their real father but alien enemies and he's cut them off... 😞 very sad. I don't see how I am akin to that, i love my Kidz, but it suits my sister to support this MI clumping me in. , whatmenin

.Anyway, what am I trying to say... got off track again...

Just glad I went to church

Now i gotta not overthink all the looks, behaviours the silly orthingsvi said and  walking out alone....

Just trying to DO SOMETHING for myself to  stop this suicidal loneliness and church folk share my faith and hopefully TRY at least to be like Jesus, my saviour. 🤗

[Former-Member]

Question?

@Faith-and-Hope  @Former-Member @@anyone 

My only friend here in town has not once invited me to attend church with her since I moved here 8months ago

Does anyone else think that's odd? It's like she doesn't want me in the same church. Why? It would be helpful to have someone I know to sit with. She is married, guess it's weird for couples having older singles hovering round them (yes?) And I do feel like a third wheel anyway Buti so pose. (strange social norms)  initially it would have been helpful when I moved back this way. I don't feel right about just turning up  (like a stalker) so exploring this other church now. Don't know anyone.. My brizzy friend loves me coming to church with her when I visit them. Not inviting 'friwnds'  Makes makes me question  the quality of our friendship. 

Love some feedback plz as I'm so often told not to trust my own instinct 🤗 

[Former-Member]

Thanks for the 👍
Any comments?
What U doinf today?

[Former-Member]

Hey there @Former-Member,

I think it was absolutely courageous of you to face all of that and go to church. I can see your visit did activate some strong emotions and memories. Also, it must be pretty hard to see your son interact with family members who have been toxic towards you and perpetuate the stigma of MI. It sounds like overall you were able to focus on the positive experience of going to church. I'm glad to hear you are doing something that makes you feel connected to your faith and community.  

I hope you had a nice weekend overall. 

Warmest,

Sphinxly 🐣

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Former-Member .... 👋💕

It does sound a bit odd that your friend didn't invite you to attend her church with her, especially when you first arrived, if you made it clear to her that you are a church-goer.  Add that to the fact you were new in town, so you obviously wouldn't know anybody and would need the support and encouragement to engage.

Not a clue as to the reason why she didn't.  Perhaps her husband wouldn't cope with sharing her attention ?  Maybe she thinks her church is not your "flavour" (denomination / worship style).  Maybe she just didn't think that far ?  Orr took you to be really independent (like independent people don't need a toe-in too ?)

Dunno.  Just keep being your lovely self though @Former-Member.  Show her how it's done ❣️  I hope the "other" church us a good fit for you Hon.

[Former-Member]

Thank you Faith-and-hope, impossible to know what's going through people's minds. Guess I could ask her, or best not, thell see it as criticism and get all defensive. Her church has a side group for 'people on the fringes' (like the homeless), she has invited me to that 😕 and a scrapbook workshop her church has, both of which she's not going to 😕 I donno, think some people just like to feel superior and that requires not treating others as equals.
Not sure how much more I can 'show her how it's done' from my current position, no more than years back when I included her family in the music group I led, & visited her (before my girl died). It does take a village to stay alive.
Hope you're holding up through all you've got on your plate (((((Hugz)))))
Are you get much of this rain event down in Melbourne? Think the droughts breaking lol

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member whatever the reason your friend had, it sucks that you don't feel welcome to attend her church. 

Having lived away from family for the last 35+ years, having a church congregation where we fit in is so important for us. 

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Former-Member - it's hard with this underlying depression (MI history) and not feeling 'good enough' anymore. Did hypervigilent, But i'm working on it. Trying to find 'my tribe' again (moved a lot) it's harder now I'm older, limited, on my own, not much to offer, especially having been such an active churchgoer in my early Christian years, maybe I expect too much, I'm a horn giver, not everyone is. My life has imploded, not much left to onlookers
Actually do have much to offer but would you want a music instructor with suicide scars up her arm teaching your Kidz? Or a soloist - that starts crying all the time and drops out for weeks? Reality is coming to me, nobody needs that. "Graciously surrendering the things of youth" comes to mind.
At church yesterday I met 'my pray partner' (someone appointed to pray for me, a newcomer on the sign in sheet. The first thing she asks is "do you work?" Well, not in 'payed' employ puts me in a bad foot. Should of walked away then. But instead, as my prayer partner I explained why and asked her to pray for my current family division (the sermon was on forgiveness) but no surprise, she couldn't handle it, never had a bad day in her life seems, and her concentration shifted to the Kidz playing with main light switches which she had to go sort out. Oh dear. When will I learn to not tell people my troubles!!!! There's that feeling I have to move on. Who needs it?
Darcy, does Mr D have any of these issues? What goes?
I'm not sure where or how I'm ever gonna belong again. Triggers SI bigtime. Is it so wrong to plan to see one's days out as a recluse? I don't wanna hurt anyone by dying in the midst of them. It's hard to be content taking that back seat when I've been such a 'doer' before the breakdown. Not fair.
Oh God take me home 🙏

[Appleblossom]

@Former-Member 

I have had many similar experiences re church going and thougths and feelings.

Many people start convos re "work".  I am learning to meet it it head on, and have answers ready, rather than be thrown.  Sometimes the person themselves does not even work.  Find a way to discuss it which gives you dignity and does not give away too much information.  Difficult, but worth it.

Re Forgiveness:

It is often tossed around like a panacea.  Great when it works but it is not all in your control. How about others forgiving you?

Take Care