Living with Ourselves

[Sophia1]

I am back here in what feels for me a safer place still..

I have been through a whirlwind these last number of years at a great cost to my physical health..

so many crises with family members....loss of life...so much more loss continuing..the latest my mum still refusing to see or talk to me in her stoic manner..despite a nurse suggesting that it might be time for her to bury the hatchet..

feeling it particularly more..Mother's Day passed and now in two days time her birthday...

what about all of those times where I mediated between sister mum and self? We must accept our differences and keep family together...relief on their part...why has that changed..?.yes mum aged now ...harder for her to take on anymore.. I am not wishing that..I am only seeking my mum's love..unconditional love..love that does not stop because a child has challenges of mind...how can parental love disappear?

Only one daughter means something to her now...the one daughter she was able to control..the one daughter who had so much physical illness...this mum could acknowledge..was real for her.....my tumour and major operation did not matter ..she has received updates from my sister..would not respond to my call..she has not spoken to me since the day I went into hospital.....

that is beyond my comprehension..

how can controlling someone be love?  How can I be measured as unloveable because I will not ever be controlled again by another human being..

love is supporting..listening...encouraging..giving...

even after everything I still love my mum..I do not like her behaviour....I feel hurt..abandoned..angry..unloved..judged by her...

If word came that she wanted to see me..I would still go to her...I would go with my own knowledge that I am forgiving her....I am learning to accept my feelings about our relationship for what they are..I am learning that I cannot change her as she cannot change me....I also know that I will not accept any judgemental comments..I am being strong...I don't know when her last birthday will be...

I am progressing very slowly now...rehabilitation starting in two weeks..

operation 10 weeks ago today...

I just need to release all of this emotion.....

My husband has been doing so much and I keep on telling him how thankful I am..

Sometimes he forgets because he sees me smiling and because I don't talk about my physical pain..he forgets how little I can do at times..

The pain has increased again as in is not masked by painkillers therefore is felt more in last couple of weeks..Also increasing exercise in pool has stirred up pain..have cut back on bike for now..

woken up several times last night by his snoring...so am in bed earlier tonight ...will read for a short while now then sleep..

hopefully venting all of this will help me sleep...had awful nightmares last night..

[Teej]

Listening and thinking of you @Sophia1. Life seems so unfair sometimes. I think you are being very brave and strong. Good luck with rehab. Sorry I’m running out of words but wanted you to know that I’m here for you💜🤗

[Sophia1]

@Teej 

Just receiving your response..noticing me..with a bunch of beautiful flowers.....warms the cockles of my heart...I want to also let you know that I think of you..I shall seek you out when this "this" subsides..

🌹🌷💐

@Zoe7 thank you for your butterfly like...I am not the best at words at the moment either..shall keep in touch..as I mentioned to teej 🐾🌸💤

[Zoe7]

You are dealing with so much @Sophia1 I can imagine the fractured relationship you have with your mother is adding to the pain from your operation. It is good you now only have 2 weeks before rehab begins. Although you are back in the pool it is hard without painkillers. I hurt my back on Sunday and the painkillers are certainly help me cope right now. I had an xray and CT scan yesterday and get results tomorrow so should be able to work out what is needed from there. Hoping there is no fracture and I won't need an operation. The pain today is worse than yesterday but I have gotten through - nearly time to try for sleep here. Toby and Cat have both come in from outside so they will be asleep soon. i will try to catch up with you again tomorrow - I have a very long day with DBT and appointments so might be tomorrow night - see how I go.

[Sophia1]

@Zoe7

Sorry to hear about your back pain...good that you had tests done quickly and will have results tomorrow ..X-rays and ct scans are taken frequently these days  as they aid in process of elimination..

getting as much peaceful sleep that you can get tonight will help you...fur babies cuddling up....tension is our enemy..

dont stress about getting back to everyone...I will hear of your news or try to remember to tag. You...day at a time ..🐾:face_with_rolling_eyes:

[Zoe7]

Thanks @Sophia1 - a day at a time for you too   My back pain is nothing compared to what you have been through - I hope rehab helps 

[Sophia1]

Zoe we don't need to compare..pain is pain and with everything else going on in our lives it is just one more pain..
Night night..💤

[Sophia1]

 

[Sophia1]

hello above post with 5 pictures was meant to be sent to

@Teej @Zoe7 @eudemonism @Adge @outlander

somehow I lost the tags for you all ...

I did succeed in attaching the photographs....

which helps me realise that I am not as unwell as I thought I was yesterday...

I felt quite lost and confused on the forums yesterday...

pick and choose what you like....I tried to pick something that each of you might like...the obvious one was the cat with a butterfly impression around the eyes....thought that would suit you Zoe...

Eudemonism thought you might like the terracotta pair...

Adge not sure if you are into antiques..

Outlander I know that you love art...

[Adge]

Really lovely pictures @Sophia1 Yes I'm a fan of virtually any flowers...

The cat has such bright blue eyes.

Adge