Lived Experience Forum

[Hurttoolong]

I'm 49 and I've been living with depression for over twenty years. I have two great kids, a good job, a car and some savings. I've been a home owner, I've been married. I'm almost twice the size I should be. I've kept soldiering on for my kids sake but now that they're both adults I don't feel the same level of responsibility for them as their both independent now. I've been in therapy and on antidepressant medication for twenty years but the hurt and the struggle remain and I'm exhausted. I've lost my faith. 

I've gone from having repetitive negative thoughts that would keep me awake at night to now just hearing the word 'die' over and over inside my head daily. When I'm at home all I do is watch Tele as a distraction to being alone with my thoughts.

What encourages you to go on when living every day is so hard?

[Former-Member]

I think this too @Hurttoolong. I don't really know the point but I know on most days I have to try but there are some days that I want to throw it in too. I stay for my kids. I guess I also stay now because I have hope that one day it will get better. There are people on the forum who have helped give me hope through their experiences and support. I am a similar age and single with nearly all my kids being adults. I'm really sorry I don't have the answers but I guess I just wanted to say "me too". I hope you find some support like I have here to help you find the hope and maybe make the struggle a little easier. Take care and keep posting💜😊

[dr-ev-md]

Hi there, Im in the very same situation as yourself, for the past 2 days I havent eaten anything exept junk, biscuits, chocalate, crisps. I look at the wall and sleep, its 2 am as Im writing this. What keeps me going? well I dont really know to be exact but when I can I try to do things like going for a drive, or a walk, when Im able I find cooking theraputic. I find it hard to enjoy the things that In the past were my hobbies, motorbikes, fishing, drinking in various pubs, going to concerts or just going to see bands in clubs. I think you should do what can manage on a particular day, if you can think of something that exites you in any way, make plans to do it. Stop beating yourself up about what you dont do, you do plenty,does it matter what you do or dont do.

Keep communicating with people on this forum, it has helped me.

[Hurttoolong]

Thanks Teej.

[Hurttoolong]

Thanks dr-ev-md

[utopia]

@Hurttoolong. My teenage son keeps me going when times are hard. I imagine the same way your children helped you kerp fighting.
It sounds very much like your depression is worsening and suicidal thoughts are entering your head. Maybe it's time to seek some further help - maybe a stay in hospital.
I had awful SI earlier this year and booked into a hospital. It was the best thing that could have happened to me. The staff looked after me. I didn't have to worry about anything. I got allocated a psychiatrist who gave me a new medication. I was finally able to get some descent sleep. My brain could finally shut down at night and rest. Then I was able to focus on the depression and feeling better.
Do you see a psychiatrist or a psychologist at the moment? If not - maybe you could seek a referal from your gp.
I had suicidal thoughts - but the reality was - I didn't want to die - I just wanted to be able to live a better life - with less pain. And that's what I'm doing at the moment. Living better.
Your children may be adults, but they will still need their mum - just maybe not as often as before. They will need your advice on relationships and jobs etc. And in the future they will want their mum to be around for their children.
I imagine it must be lonely with an empty nest. Maybe you could pudh yourself to joining a local group - something that you enjoy or used to enjoy. A reading group - art classes - yoga or relaxation classes. One lady recently on this site decided she was finally going to learn to play the guitar.
You do need to find something just for you. This can help to raise your moods.
In the meantime, if you start feeling unsafe -please don't hesitate phone the local mental health team at your local hospital. Or call LifeLine or BeyondBlue.
There is a good life that you can enjoy while living with MI.
Please don't give up just yet.

[Hurttoolong]

Thanks Utpoia. Yes I have a psychologist.

[BlueBay]

Hi @Hurttoolong

the subject of your post is exactly what i was thinking today?

[Former-Member]

Hello @Hurttoolong

Why bother - for those who love you. If you were to suicide your adult children would be shattered. I have experienced this personally - there is no devastation like the grief and devastation left behind from suicide of loved ones, and even close shaves with attempts. It passes on the pain.

But I understand totally how you feel as I am struggling this way myself presently. While we breathe there is always some good we can do or some good we can focus on and experience for ourselves and in ourselves and life. It's the way we look at the world and life. Negative thinking distorts the latter. 

20 yrs of meds does not sound like the answer for you - do you have someone close you can talk to? Or a professional who you can trust to talk to about how you are feeling? This is so important. When someone cares about us a little and supports - this is so much better than any anti-depressant in the world. It reinstates value and worth. Are you feeling deficient in both presently? My husband keeps me going - as does my love for him and my daughter. That's why we bother - not just for what is good for us, but the welfare of others also.

And the mid-life change brings depression and anxieties of its own. How is your physical health? This all impacts the mind and thoughts.

And those little enjoyments - my hobbies, days out, walks along the beach, a good book/movie, a laugh with a friend, a beautiful day. So often we let our emotions rob of us of these joyful moments as despairing thoughts deceive and take over. It's about defying this and grabbing onto the good, focusing on the positives no matter how small and learning to see life this way and not through painful hurts, hardships, traumas and memories of pain. Its looking for and focusing on the good (and there is some in all our lives) and grabbing that opportunity making the most of our lot in life that is truly learning to live. Defying the odds.  Then we can move forward. I hope life turns around for you soon. You are not alone xx

[utopia]

@Hurttoolong. Maybe what I and others on this site can offer you - is understanding and friendship.
Sincerely mean it.