Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

I have BPD and it's been a battle for a long time. I feel like I'm going through a continuous cycle ands it's been getting unbearable to live like this. I'm really scared. Lately I've been getting urges to just wander and I know where I would end up. It would not be good. I wouldn't be here anymore. Now I find myself trying not to go anywhere and to prepare things for my family just in case the worst happens. I just don't know what I'm meant to do anymore. I can't keep going like this.

[Mazarita]

Hi and welcome to the forum, @Former-Member,

Sounds like a hard time for you with your BPD. There are a number of members on the site with BPD who may be able to support you with your struggles. I think @BlueBay and @Phoenix_Rising have this diagnosis. Hopefully someone will be along soon to talk specifically about issues related to your condition.

Wondering what your real life support is like. Do you have family and friends who support you? A GP, psychiatrist and/or psychologist? 

Sending kind wishes and hoping you find the forum helpful.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Former-Member,

Welcome to the forum, it's nice to meet you. As Mazarita mentioned, I have BPD. I was diagnosed in 1996, so like you, I have been dealing with it for a long time. It sounds like you are struggling a lot with thoughts of suicide, is that right? I know how scary that can be. I still get intense waves of suicidal ideation quite often. Actually, if you search the forums for "riding a wave" you will see how I ride out some of those big feelings with the support of people around here.

Even though I still really hate the fact that I get those waves, they aren't as scary for me as they used to be. This is mostly because I have learnt that even though the thoughts and feelings are super painful, they can't and won't k*ll me. They are just thoughts and feelings. Suicide isn't something that can somehow happen to me. I can't control the thoughts and feelings so well, but I can certainly choose what to do when they come.

Like Mazarita, I am wondering what support you might have in the real world. It sounds like you have family. Are they supportive? I don't have any family or friends, but after a very long and painful search, I now have a GP and a psychologist who I feel safe with. It took a LONG time to find the right people and I am so very grateful that I have finally done so. I super wish I had a magic solution for you, but unfortunately I don't. However, I know that having supportive people (both online and real) helps a lot to make the struggle a bit easier. I have found being here in Forum Land super helpful, so I hope you do to. I look forward to seeing you around the forums.

[Former-Member]

Hi. I have a doctor, a mental health worker, psychiatrist and some family not really any friends. it's the lack of understanding that family has that really is making things more difficult along with so much going on. 

[Former-Member]

Thanks for the reply. I was diagnosed only last year. It explains a lot about my life. Yes they are suciidal thoughts. One minute I think these thoughts are gone, the next they are back. I'm constantly in crisis. Hurting myself in many ways just to keep on going along, I have a doctor, mental health case worker, psychiatrist etc.. but theres only so much they can do isn't there, the most part is up to me. 

[BlueBay]

Hi @Former-Member
Welcome to the forum. I too have bpd and was only diagnosed 7 yrs ago at the age of 46. It's been a very difficult time for me because of my long term thinking and behaving patterns. I see a psych a psychologist and have a very good caring doctor. I'm at the moment in hospital changing my meds and needing a break before crisis took over. And almost did take over last week.
You're right there's only so much prof support we can have as it is up to us. But in saying that you still need support and long term support.
Reg family not understanding - can you look up bpd on here Sane site and you will see lots of info on bpd and there is a blog on s partner who's wife has bpd.
Happy to chat anytime. Take care.

[Simona]

Hello.    I have been told i have bpd about a month ago or something like that.    They say i have psychosis from it now and then.   I'm on antipsychotics at the moment.   I 'm not always good with taking them however.

I can't advise you i just want to say i know that scary feeling very well.    I get bad ideas at night mainly. Even at 3am.    My partner is good - he hides the car keys and keeps me safe. He won't let me leave the house. He says if i try he will call the police out on me. 

I have multiple showers. I sit bracing myself.   I don't know where those horrific images/voices come from.  I don't think them up.  It's like they were put there.    Sometimes it's a repetative voice in my head saying stuff like 'Just messing with ya' over and over again

Lately i have been atching youtube when i feel like SH or SI.     I listen to this lady speaking in a real soft voice and she tells me to relax and let go of all the bad thoughts.  

If i lived alone - well i don't like my chances with living alone.

My children keep me well