Lived Experience Forum

[relapse5]

I feel insanely vulnerable even just being apart of a forum for mental health...

It's something I can definitely say I've never really thought about being helpful till now. 

I'm 22, but the first time i dealt with depression was when I was 16. Since then I've relapsed several times, but always trying to make the conscious decision to never let it get to the full extent as before. I was extremely suicidal back then, and honestly I don't really know what triggered everything. Reading others stories makes mine almost feel inadequet to warrant being depressed, I haven't been assalted, done drugs or anything, my head just couldn't honestly keep up with life, and the heaviness took its toll. 

I promised myself that I wouldn't let myself ever get to the point where never ending darkness seemed like a good idea again. and I don't think I'm there yet anyway, but i can feel the spirialing start to begin again. It's like second nature feeling this. And now that im an adult dealing with it, I almost feel more alone. In highschool you are surrounded by hundreds of teenagers and speculating parents and teachers that it can be hard to go unnoticed for forever. Eventually being dobbed on to the school councellor and having your mum rung up by the school to let her know her kids thinking of killing themself. Such fond memories. 

As I said im not there just yet. I still have hope for a future that doesn't include feeling like this always, but it feels like i can never fully get rid of it. Does it feel like that to you? No matter what you do, or how life changes  and the years go on, a part of you is still oddly linked to feeling depressed constantly? It scares the crap out of me thinking this way. That depression might still have a hold on me in years to come. I fricken hate it. I'm so done with feeling like this but it's almost a sick kind of security also. In some ways I'm not even sure I know who I am or was before depression. Now it sounds like im rambling but it's kind of easy when you hope that the people who read this might actually have an idea of what you're feeling and saying. Unlike everyone in my life who thinks I'm crazy, attention seeking, boring or some other crap they tell themselves to talk them out of helping me.

If anyone has some advice or tips on how to let depression not dictate and run your life for the rest of your life, im all ears. But honestly just being heard, and maybe partially understood, that feels pretty good.

[Change123]

@relapse5

I'm sorry you are feeling so vulnerable, it really sucks.  I have BPD and often when I think I'm on top of everything depression and anxiety hits.  I find when I get suicidal thoughts its because  l let myself indulge in those feelings, not sure if its because I think or hope if I'm really down someone will save me but reality is we can only save ourselves.  I'm trying to stand back now and have a good look at why I behave the way I do for certain things and this is one of them.  I'm not sure if its habit but its like when ever I get depressed the dark shadow is always on my shoulder waiting to rear its head and if I let it - it talks louder than logic and then makes me spiral down even further.  Lately I have been trying to do "opposite action to what I'm feeling" so if I'm really down I will watch something funny, play with my dog or just pretend I'm happy if around people and then eventually I feel better but its tough and hard work but I figure the only other alternative is to let it take over and spiral completely down into the depths of despair which I dont want to do anymore. But yes at this stage I dont see it ever leaving my side like BPD in general but I'm just focusing on coping with it and hoping with time this will be easier and easier and hopefully become knee jerk reaction rather than depression.

Take care we all know how tough this road is. 

[supernova]

Hi @relapse5,

Welcome to the Forums, and congratulations on your first post!

You’ve certainly come to the right place. So many of our users will be able to identify with the experiences you describe. It’s good that you are able to notice this spiralling pattern before it really overtakes you. Perhaps a big part of taking control of depression involves knowing what the signs are when it might be lurking, and what you can then do to help bring yourself back. Connecting with others – particularly those who are going to support, understand and encourage you – is always a great thing to do when you’re feeling down, and so we’re really glad you have reached out here on the Forums!

It’s such a massive step you’ve taken towards your recovery by sharing your story with us today, so I really want to congratulate you on the courage you've shown, and I hope that you can find the Forums are supportive and safe space.

All the best,
supernova.

[Former-Member]

Hi @relapse5, I hear you and understand, at least in part. Also have family who thinkbi attention seek... And lived with depression all my life. I must say, I got excited when you said " so done with feeling like this but it's almost a sick kind of security also" wow - this shows great insight. We do get into habits with our thinking, especially when brain chemistry is not on our side, but awareness is the first and most important step. I think you need to find what things you like doing and start building your life that is worth living and discovering who you are, all along learning to stop beating yourself up and be your own best friend. Yes you might have an underlying melancholy, but that's not your identity, you are sooooooo much more.
Welcome to the forums!!! Looking fwd to watching you grow, being here has helped me more than I can say, just connecting - we've all been there.. Be kind to yourself, well done! xox

[Former-Member]

HI @relapse5

Such a great post, thank you for sharing!

I do think that there is an element of truth for me in that I doubt there will ever be a permanent 'cure' for the depression that I have but makes it even more important that i do things for me that keep me well (easier said than done for me at the moment ugh!).. i.e. i know (rationally) that exercise, eating well and getting decent sleep make things so much more manageable when i hit a speed bump in my life... and using supports, doing things that are good/fun etc. I think we almost have to become beter than most, or at least much more self aware of our needs to stay well.

take care,

lj