Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Add101]

Hi👋 

My first post 📫 

I'm a primary carer for a parent diagnosed with vascular dementia since 2020

Whilst my mum is independently living we have just completed an ACAT assessment after 9 month wait.

I have my own diagnosis of  Complex PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder.

Every day is a struggle.

I'm exhausted both mentally and physically. Each time I try a step back into 'society' there are 'Red Flags'.

I was going to commence a Cert IV next month and though periodically confident I'd cope with it back in Sept '23 I'm now projecting and terrified I cant/should do do for fear of not being able to cope, failing, triggers and/or simply taking on too much.

I'm deeply conflicted as whether to remain or Carer benefits which I find soul destroying or try to break the cycle by venturing something for myself- without overloading myself with already challenging responsibilities.

I feel utterly lost and don't know what decision to make. Guilt, Shame, Fear- it's all there.

I used to be a high functiong professional and now nothing. There is no joy, no happiness in my life.

I currently see a psychologist and just come away from TMS Treatment which sadly didn't work for me.

Anyway. Thanks for anyone who reads this. I'm not expecting any answers..At best it's been nice to get this off my chest.

[scruffypuffball]

@Add101  we live in a society where your worth is defined as "productivity" (working to make billionaires richer).  I left an abusive relationship at 20. I went thru the same thing as you, powered thru it and burned out. Lost my job.  That is what happened to me.  I cant say what will happen to you, but I just want to write to let you know that being a carer (whether a mother or otherwise) is a huge responsibility and a full time draining job in itself.  We dont value rest and recharge as a society, our current living arrangements requires us to burn out ourselves and the environment.  There is little help for us, we struggle on our own.  Dont be hard on yourself.  Recharging and resting is just as important as caring for someone or "getting a career".  My friend always said "when you are on a plane, they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you put it on anyone else" meaning we cant help others unless we look out for ourselves first.

Perhaps the ACAT assessment will get the help your mum needs and that will give you time to do things for yourself.  As for "decision fatigue" c-ptsd does impair executive function and that affects decision making.  c-ptsd leaves you emotionally disregulated and you cannot make rational decisions in that state.  Also, if you are in flight fight mode, no learning can take place, your hippocampus is impaired and short term memory and taking in new information is impaired.  Heal first, try and find a trauma informed therapist to help you through it. 

It would be nice if there was a trauma section in the sane forums.  So many people suffer from it.  We live in a traumatised world.

[outlander]

hi @Add101 and welcome

i have been a young carer for many years but there comes a time when you need to look after yourself.
would you consider putting your mother into residential care? this way she is supported 24/7 and you wont need to worry about being her carer. you can visit her and just be there to visit.

depending on the level of care the acat has assessed her at, take a look into local day programs for the elderly. anglicare have quite a few and may have something in your area. they are staffed so all you need to do is take her and pick her up and they entertain her for the day with other people her own age.

its time for you to take your life back by the sounds of it. there wil be guilt and shame that comes with it but once that decision is made try and stick with it and work towards that goal.
you can also push for a higher home care package if you speak to the case manager stating that you just cant do it anymore and she is requiring more and more care that you cannot provide.