Lived Experience Forum

[Nikolai]

Hi Everyone

I have Borderline Personality Disorder (on the milder end), my partner however does not have any known MI. This normally works well because when we balance each other out quite well, however I do notice it is incredibly hard for me to get across just how strong my feelings are, and how much they effect me, even when the cause doesn't seem to warrant such a strong reaction (particularly anxiety about abandonment). Does anyone have any ideas on how to tackle the subject (even if it is coping strategies for me)? Every time I try and bring it up I feel like I just get nowhere.

N

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Nikolai,

This discussion is a pretty tough one to start. My thoughts are to do it during a moment when you're not having intense feelings as this may help you to communicate more clearly. I don't know about you, but when I'm having intense feelings, I find it hard it hard enough to think, yet alone explain things. Perhaps set up a time to talk. Pick a time when you're most likely going to be at your best (e.g., not before bedtime when you're tired), and when you can devote some time to having this conversation. If your partner is interested, there's a few resources they can read such as the SANE factsheets.

I wonder if @Phoenix_Rising might have something to add, she has BPD too, and might have some advice on how to describe your experiences to your partner. Also @Queenie and @aButterfly both have a MI partner, perhaps they might be able to give you some advice on how to start this discussion. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Nikolai,

Welcome to Forum Land. As @CherryBomb mentioned, I have BPD. I am 39 and was diagnosed twenty years ago. Unfortunately, I don't think I have any words of wisdom for you, regarding how to talk about BPD with your partner. I am very socially isolated, and the only romantic relationship I've ever had was with a youth group leader who took a "special interest" in me when I was a young teen.

I've never had any luck at all trying to explain to people what it is like having BPD. I've never found anyone other than mental health professionals who "gets" it (and unfortunately a lot of mental health professionals don't "get" it either!!!!). I am SUPER grateful for the SANE forums because I know there are people here like @CherryBomb who genuinely do understand that the intense emotions associated with BPD are very real and can be SUPER intense.

One of the best descriptions I have heard of BPD is that it's like having the emotional equivalent of full-body severe burns. EVERYTHING hurts. The slightest touch HURTS. This definitely describes my experience. I can go from travelling ok to being on the floor rocking, crying and making weird noises in about three seconds if something triggers my big feelings. It's a pain that floods my brain and takes my breath away.

The thing that helps me most in those times is having someone simply be with me until the feeling passes. I don't have any "friends and family" but I have finally connected with a decent psychologist (loooooong story!!!!) who is able to just sit with me when I get dysregulated in sessions, and I've also called the SANE helpline a few times when something here in Forum Land has triggered a giant feeling, and I've found that they are generally ok with just sitting with me {waves to @Lunar} until the wave passes.

I think if I had a partner, that is the thing I would want him to know; that the feelings are real, they are BIG and they are incredibly painful. As to how to actually get that message through? I'm sorry to say I'm not so sure.

[Nikolai]

Hi @CherryBomb 

Thanks for your help 🙂

@Phoenix_Rising

Thanks for your story, I guess there isn't really a way to make someone understand how we feel.

I have tried to explain that something that would for most people just be an 'oh thats annoying' response feels like I am grieving the loss of a loved one, particularly when it comes to abandonment or percieved abandonment.

I just think sometimes people think I'm exaggerating or being overly dramatic.

I find my partner fairly dismissive of my feelings. I have had several occasions where he has triggered the feelings and I tried to explain, which was met with the response "I can't control how you feel"

I don't know if there is any way around that.

[NikNik]

Hi @Nikolai

I just wanted to quickly add some resources you (or your partner) might find helpful.

A blog by someone who has a partner with BPD

BPD Guide

Also keen to hear other's experiences with their partners too.