Lived Experience Forum

[Vikki]

It's been almost 14 years since I found my husband in our garage. He left at the age of 32 and three daughters. 12, 5 and 13 days old.
No note, no diagnosed depression, no nothing. Just gone
A business owner, a successful surfer, skater and BMX champion.
Young, a beautiful man with a gentle nature. A great dad and a very supportive father and hubby.
Together 18 yrs and not a clue.
I lost friends, family blamed me and our lives changed in a split second.
Still a mum and a dad to our girls and now a grandma.
Others say I'm strong, im a great person for kicking on with our children but underneath I'm still lost. It's a part of all 4 of us that is gone forever. No husband, no partner, no father.
I'm here to help others in the situation. Help with words of encouragement and hopefully help to gain "you" back after the what seems like eternal numbness.

[Former-Member]

Hi Vikki, I'm sorry for your loss and I commend you and your daughters for moving on through the pain and being successful with your lives. Your husband seems to have been a good kind person and the world is poorer for his passing. One of the worst parts of depression is the acting skills we develop to hide our suffering from those around us and in our minds we want to protect them from the torment in our heads. Asking for and getting the help we need is still a real challenge for many of us - there is still so much stigma we all need to work through. Feeling like a failure or that we are unworthy of life is something that haunts us and prevents us from seeking help. Often we hear people say that they didn't see it coming or that they had no idea of what was going inside the person's head. Not everyone wears their pain on the outside. Sometimes all it takes is for someone to ask a question or to show an interest and that can change everything. Thanks for sharing your story - it's given me much to think about with my own struggle. Take care.

[Zoe7]

Hello @Vikki So sorry for what you have had to deal with  Your bravery and courage to go through such a painful loss and then to continue on as you have done whilst feeling lost inside is a testament to your strength. 

It is admirable that you are willing to help others in a similar situation - and I am sure that you will have many experiences to share here. 

In saying that I also want to acknowledge that it is a two-way street. This place is full of wonderful caring and supportive people and we are also here for YOU. You never need to feel that you cannot ask for support as well as offer it - that is the power of this community - we all look after each other in whatever way we are able to 

I want to welcome you to the forum - it really is an amazing place to be part of - and I hope you find it both a safe place to share your experiences and to connect with people who can also provide support to you. If you have any questions please tag me in and I will do what I can to answer them for you. It is lovely to have you part of our 'community' 

Zoe 

[Vikki]

Thankyou for your kind words. My intentions are just that Dugga. Give others something to think about
I'm what's left. Our girls are what's left. To see our youngest, about to turn 14, looking into her eyes, answering questions ( and believe me, there are many) my heart cries for her as she asks me was it because she was born. The unknown in her is completely obvious.
Our eldest now married ( I walked her down the isle) serving in the Australian Defence Force, our two new grand babies and she built a new home at age 24. Emma is 19, living with her sister, helping out with the children and going into the defence force next year. I want them to have everything we lost when their father passed. Our home, our business, our everything. I'm aware they are materials, and they all can be replaced. Even if one person just understands it's not just them we loose forever, but everything else that is familiar to our children is gone. It's not just them we loose forever, but the struggles to bring up children while in immence pain ourselves, the relocation, the funeral and the costs, the change of what was the rest of our lives changes too. It's never the same. It will never be the same. I ask "why" everyday, but the answer remains the same. I don't bloody know. We have to live with that for the rest of our lives. So I say, please give us a thought before yourself and hopefully it might help just one person in their 5 seconds of insanity.

[DeeElysia]

Hi Vikki, wow your story has toched my heart. I just broke down thinking about how much struggles and confusion you must of went through. A 13 day old baby at the time also... I know its been 14 years but im so sorry you had to go through this bet it still feels like yesterday.

Im actually a carer and normally post in the other forum but decided to have a look on personal experiences.

My story isnt like yours, although still struggling in other ways. I'm 26 years old, my husband is 32.
We have been together going onto 11 years now. From day one from our relationship when I was 16 and he was 22 I knew about his mental illness and battle with depression and anxiety (knew as much as I could being only 16 at the time).
I have supported him through many ups and downs , on and off meds, psychologist,phsicatrist,hypnotherapy,even natural remides. Unfortunately hes very closed minded and has a strong opinion on not taking meds these whole 10 years. Hes struggled to keep work.. I've been his main and now only support.
We now have a 3 yr old daughter and last year he went through psychosis. Paranoia and delusions, we are still struggling hes not interested in meds. And even went onto a mental health ward.
We can't communicate and I have no support from his family, They all turned their back from him as he won't take the meds. Hes 2 different people now, I thought before was hard. Now I'm stuck trying to communicate with a man who wants to take our 3 yr old for a CT scan thinking she has a devise on her.
I dont know how to keep going, If I should say anything if it pushes him into the edge. Unfortunately now its affecting me making me stressed out and anxious around him that the love isnt enough to keep our family together.
These are some of his thoughts;

*thinking people are following him and his privacy is being breached.
*that hes in an intervention to get into meds
*that myself and our whole family are under duress
*that our 3yr old isnt herself and soneone is communicating with her.
*We are either in a witness protection program or someone's out to hurt us.
*thinks the government is in on it and this is corrupt
*cameras in our home
*that im lying to him keeping this a secret I know it all apparently

Hes come up to me saying random people have told him that this is going on and not to react.
It's very hard to explain we try and talk about it and when I suggest meds he laughs and says I need it. And gets angry that everything im saying people can hear. It's very frustrating. I'm sorry for the vent I just don't know who to turn to and want to do what's right for my daughter . Hes very good at putting on a front and seeming normal. I'm struggling.

[Vikki]

Im sorry your partner is so hell bent on refusing medication. I wish mine had the opportunity and maybe things might have been different. who knows.

it is what it is now.

id like to give you objectives on your partners issues especially on the dillusional thought pattern but I cannot say anything here as it might come out judgemental and its not my intention at all.

Im sorry your having to deal with this in your life with your little one.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Vikki

Your story really pulled at my heart. Your strength is inspirational. Thank you so much for sharing.

In my experience with men whom have taken their lives when all seemed alright on the surface - their reluctance to tell anyone is because "they felt weak and did not want to appear that way to their loved ones". It does have a lot to do with stigma and men are particularly reluctant to seek help because of this. They feel like failures and that others are better off without them. This is never communicated - that is the problem. And then the pain of falling short and the mental distress overwhelms them. 

But it does not mean they did not love their family. They love them deeply. This knowledge may help your daughter to know it was not her fault. And that she was loved. You were all loved. But no, it isn't fair. And yes, it passes the pain on. It's a tragedy. But one you survived gracefully and your children have the best chance of life because of you. You are a true survivor and a wonderful mother. You have succeeded in doing what would bring most undone.

The pain is numbing, that is how we cope. And nothing will take that pain away. But you are winning and moving forward because you refused to give up on life. Thank you for the inspiration - your strength and care has helped many of us to be stronger through our own battles and has saved life's and needless grief. I can't thank you enough. Hugs

[Former-Member]

Hi @DeeElysia

My brother went through very similar to what your husband is going through. He was diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and it is not unusual for those who suffer this mental illness to refuse their medications. Their delusions etc is their reality and they do believe them to be real and that others are truly out to get them. This in my brothers case was deeming him dangerous to himself and others (he believed that passers by outside his home and my elderly mother were plotting to attack him and he was ready to defend himself violently). I had to call the police whom enforced that he took his medication that my mother had in their medicine cabinet. The police have these powers. It seems cruel but it's not - it can save their lives and others and is sometimes necessary if they continue to refuse treatment. 

Have you thought of having your husband scheduled? It may be the only way that he gets well and can see reason. Neither of you and your children can go on like this. It will only get worse otherwise - I am afraid for all of your family. I feel for you. Hugs xx

[Owlunar]

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@Vikki wrote:
I don't bloody know. We have to live with that for the rest of our lives. So I say, please give us a thought before yourself and hopefully it might help just one person in their 5 seconds of insanity.

---

Hi @Vikki - I lost my son to suicide 31 years ago in July - and my cousin - 9 years ago in June - I knew my son had SI and made SA - but not my cousin

Your question and request to those who are thinking of this above - really yes - they have however long thinking about it and then change their loved ones lives - do they think about us? I will never know

I feel for you - as I approach another bunch of anniversaries I find the days harder - I find it hard to get up and start the day - and this is mainly about my son - he was in prison for a few months before he died and I go through that every year and wish it would stop

Other people have told their stories to - you are not alone - but how do we cope with all of this - it is so painful

You have gone on to raise your kids alone and now have a grandchild your husband will never see - that is so sad -

I really care - but right now I don't have much to add - I will read your messages again tomorrow and hope I am feeling better

Lots of hugs - so glad you reached out to us

Dec

[Vikki]

I am so sorry for your son. Its hard to believe their are so many beautiful lives lost this way when you feel your the only one.

Ive gone thru the last 14 years, not asking for sympthony but wondering when I walk down the street, people looking at me, catching a glance etc... do they know? Do they know whats happened to us? Does it show?

Everything I say to anybody is always said with my past in mind. Fearing the hurt it might cause, the pain would be enough to make them feel worthless enough.

I try so hard to not take anyone for granted and knowing I never did {well i dont think i have} incase thats enough to tip them over the edge.

Ive found this easy now to be taken advantage of. Im defensive. Too defensive sometimes but I ask myself, do they know, do they remember what has happened to us?

Then I get mad, because some people are hurtful and I think they have definately forgotton. It seems my close family and friends would prefer I forgot too.

I dont talk about it much, but Id like too but I dont want too.

I feel id like to tell everyone, not for attention or for them to feel sorry for me, but to make them aware of why I am, who i am. To give an excuse as to why I look like I do, why I do what I do and why I say what I say.

Im in constant battle of who I really am now, how I feel about certain things and certain people.,My main goal was to get my children to a point in their lives where they are survivors. After their all moved on, Im afraid of whats going to be left of me.

People say Vikki, you are such a strong woman, but Im weak. I dont allow it too show. As much as I have moved forward over the past 13 years, I dont feel I have moved at all. Im getting older, thats about it. I cannot see any goodness in what Ive done with our girls as Its what Im suppose to do.  right?

I think Im just on a path. A path to do the most for our girls. A path of doing what he would want me to do, a path of what society would see the right way. Thats all. I just seem to have lost me on that day all those years ago.