Lived Experience Forum

[MrMayfair]

I had to go to hospital for surgery. On discharge sheet it said I had been diagnosed BPD in 08. 5 years later and no-one had told me. Which I understand cos of the circumstances. Most of what I read about it is either that we r mentally ill, or that we are just dumb or selfish. br>Since learning about it I feel like every urge I've had to hide from world, and the things I've tried to do to make being alone OK, we're in fact right. And the well meaning people who have said to socialize and that OK a good guy ate just spouting facile ribbish.

[CherryBomb]

Hello @MrMayfair,

Welcome to the Forums.

Just to make sure I understood this right, someone at hospital wrote on your discharge sheet that you had BPD, but no one ever told you?

This seems really odd to me. Did a psychiatrist sit down with you and do an assessment?

Either way, please know that a diagnosis does not need to define you as a person. You are still the same person you were before you knew about the diagnosis. 

[Phoenix_Rising]

@CherryBomb sadly I don't think it is particularly unusal for someone to be labelled with bpd and not told. It makes me angry 😠. @MrMayfair there is still a lot of stigma around bpd, which is horrible. I have bpd. I am neither dumb or selfish. I struggle with super gigantic emotions. That means that sometimes I engage in behaviours that others find hard to understand. However, I always try to do the best I can given what I struggle with. I am guessing you are doing your best too.

[MrMayfair]

Im fiding it difficult to understand what to think about life more then before i knew.
Sat down with psych in 08 for three sessions. Thats where the diagnosis came from.
I just thought i always got thinfs wring anx misunderstood people and that ut swas because i am dumb. Has been a shock to see im just following standard bpd pattern.
Im scared to go to medical help as ive read most hospital staff dislike us.
Ive hated myself all my life. Lwarning about this seems to confirm i was right to.
I dont know anyone eith it, only know what ive read. What i say applies only to me. Typical, lol.i dont mean to insult anyone.

[MrMayfair]

Sorry for bad spelling.
And thank you for replying with kind and hopefully true words.

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @MrMayfair,

I wasn't insulted. I've carried the BPD label for twenty years. Trust me, selfish and dumb are not the worst things I've heard people with BPD being called. When you say you are scared to go for medical help, is there a current health issue or something you need attended to, or do you mean getting help with respect to BPD? Sadly there IS still a lot of stigma around...but things are better than they were 20 years ago. @NikNik or one of the other moderators will be able to point you to some good resources re. BPD. There definitely isn't any stigma around the diagnosis here on the forums - I can assure you of that. I had a LOT of trouble finding a new psychologist last year. I had eight failed attempts...but then I found my current psychologist and we are gradually finding our way. So yep, it is HARD to find someone that will provide good support regarding BPD...but it isn't impossible.

And of course, all of this assumes that the diagnosis is correct. Just because one mental health professional says something, does not make it true.

You mentioned that you hate yourself. I hated myself for a very long time too. Getting a better understanding of my muddle and why I am the way I am, and why I do the things I do, helped me to hate myself less. It doesn't make logical sense to me that the stigmatizing attitudes of others would make it right that you should hate yourself. I told you that I have BPD. Does that mean you hate me - given that I too am the object of all those stigmatizing attitudes? I'm about to head off to bed now, but I would encourage you to read up on BPD a bit. The stigma sucks, but it IS changing. Night @MrMayfair 

[MrMayfair]

Thank you for kind reply.
You guys are kind and nice to read.

[Ali585]

I had a similar experience a few years ago. I found out that I had been labelled as BPD in '07 and only found out incidentally in '11. It's so stupid. And since I had trust issues to begin with it really made it hard to work with anyone after knowing that they had labelled me and not discussed it with me. Particularly since the doctor who gave me the label had only seen me once over a teleconference while i was in a rural hospital and while it was correct - i dont think she actually talked with me enough to make that diagnosis.

interestingly one of the first things that happened when i started seeing a dr who specialises in bpd was an open discussion of the diagnosis. my understanding of what it meant, whether i thought it was accurate and how i felt about it. it was really helpful to get it out in the open

[Stroppy]

Mr. Mayfair...it's just a label.  Like others here have written, it does not define what and who you are as a human being.  You shouldn't hate yourself for something which is OUT OF YOUR CONTROL.  You have an illness.  Okay, it's not a visible illness like the flu or mumps, but it is a tangible illness and, with the right sort of help (and, perhaps, medications) it can be controlled or moderated.

You need to find a good psychiatrist that you feel comfortable with and with whom you can open up.  There are many good psychiatrists out there and there are some pretty ordinary ones as well (as in any profession).  If you feel you aren't getting anywhere with one doctor then go to another...keep going until you find the right doctor for you.  When I was first diagnosed with mental illness I was so lucky to find a psychiatrist who was caring, had a good sense of humour and really wanted to help me.  Unfortunately he retired a couple of years into my treatment and then I went through two doctors until I found someone who could help me.  He's not quite the same as the first doctor but he does a good job and is my anchor when things really get me down.

Just remember...you are ILL...you are not a bad person, you are NOT a waste of air, you are NOT dumb...you just need a hand up to get moving again.  Everyone deserves a chance at having a good life and everyone has the right to seek help if they are not well.  Do not undervalue yourself...do not give up.

[MrMayfair]

Thank you for saying.

People still reject or hate me for my mistakes. So im hoping mistakes stop or i find way to hide them from others.
Hard to sleep. Brain counting all the people I've humiliated myself in front of.
Will try to find a psych