Lived Experience Forum

[mel84]

I've suffered with mental illness since I was young. Depression and anorexia soon turned into full blown psychotic depression. I've spent over 3 years of my life in psych wards and my hospital files are as thick as novels. I was chronically mentally ill. The kind of mentally ill you see on the street and run from. The kind that gets you handcuffed by police, thrown in a paddy wagon and sent to the nearest high security psych ward. <br>I've been stable for the past 4 years after travelling from NSW to Melbourne because the hospitals here in NSW had given up on me after seeing me so often. There I was given medication in the right dose and combination and I began to come out of the psychosis. <br>The effect this had on my family still weighs heavy on my heart and mind. My parents nearly divorced because of the stress, it blew our family apart, and for that I am extremely guilt ridden. I don't know how to forgive myself for what I did and said for that period of time and for all the years I was unwell and I what my illness put everyone through. <br>I lost friends, relationships, opportunities, savings, life experiences, my short term memory, motivation and self esteem. My illness has completely robbed me of an identity and of my teens and twenties. I am now 32 and I still struggle and live with the utter grief of everything I have lost because of this. <br>I am both angry and sad that this happened to me. I know it was through no fault of my own, I just lost the game of Russian Roulette when it came to genetics. I don't know how to move past the past. I don't know how to let go of the guilt, grief and anger. I don't know how to forgive myself or even where to begin. <br>I hoped people who read this forum could give me some feedback as when I try to communicate how I am feeling and how much this has affected me, and continues to affect me, nobody understands and I feel misunderstood and very alone.

[mel84]

I have a different sort of grief. I grieve what my chronic and severe mental illness (anorexia, BED, depression - then major depression and eventually psychotic depression) has taken from me.
I've spent over 3 years of my life in acute psych wards. It tore my family apart. I lost many friends. I don't know how to process the feelings of guilt, shame and anger. I don't know how to accept what happened and move on from it. I don't know how to forgive myself or those who wronged me. I honestly don't know where to start.
When I try and explain myself nobody understands me or my feelings and I feel invalidated and alone. I don't know why it's so important for me to be understood by people who can't fathom what it's like, and the people who do understand are often unwell themselves.
My chest hurts a lot of the time and I've been experiencing abxiety attacks when triggered. My friends and family tell me to move on and leave the past in the past, but I remember it every day and feel ashamed. It feels like so much happened to me that my mind is playing catch up and trying to process it all in its own way.
Honestly, I just feel defective and my experience of life really bums me out a lot of the time. I've had some great moments too, but they are fleeting. It's just been one giant tornado of a shit storm and I don't know how to make peace with it.

[Sahara]

Hi @mel84,

thanks for sharing your stroy with us. I'm sorry for what you went through. It sounds like you are really grieving for those years you lost to MI. I can relate to you, as I too went through a period of grief while I was trying to recover from major depression.

Eventually- it took time- I was able to come to terms with what my illness has robbed from me. You know, bad things can happen to good people and there really is no explanation for this. Life is under no obligation to be 'fair'.... life just is what it is.

Sometimes I still feel angry about what happened to me, but most of the time I accept it and feel very free... because now I do have a nice life and I enjoy myself.  Sometimes I think that I'm enjoying myself much more than all those people stuck in the rat race and living very conventional lives! Perhaps this is because I no longer have a whole lot of expectations about how life 'should be.'

@mel84, can you join a support group for people with MI? 

I wonder would you would have these feelings of guilt if your illness had been physical, not mental? If you had had cancer, for example, would you still feel guilty about putting your family and friends through that stress? An illness is an illness, after all. It isn't your fault that you happened to get sick. And you are not responsible for how other people dealt with your illness. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @mel84

Thank you for sharing your story. You have been through so much, and are truly a survivor. 

I can understand the grief and anger at what you have missed and the effect on your parents, though I'm also relieved that you know it wasn't your fault. Its something im not sure how to live with either. Ive spent time in hospital and my kids had to suddenly stay with friends, a lot of our money goes to keeping me well which i feel very guilty about (so i guess im trying to say i can sort of relate)...

I'm glad that you have found wellness, I think other people reading will find some hope from the fac that you were able to get to a state of wellness after so long. 

It struck a chord with me when you wrote that the hospitals you had seen in NSW for a long time had given up hope.. i think to a certain extent psychiatrists tend to 'normalise' for an individual.. for instance stuff that my psychiatrist said was a priority to help me with when i first saw him now seen as 'just part of what happens for me' rather than anything they try to treat now. I'm so glad you made that massive move to Melbourne.

I hope that this doesn't sound flippant or making less of what youve been though... 32 is a great age, its young (i'm a similar age) and you have so much life left to enjoy. Is there anything that you're looking forward to or want to achieve now that you're able to? As well as enjoying parts of life that probably weren't accessible before? 

take care

lj

[mel84]

Thank you for taking the time to resond. I really liked the line about how I am not responsible for how other people deal with my mental illness. That lifted a weight in my mind and I will remind myself of this the next time I feel guilty.
I'm always worried about other people and how I affected them... you know what? This mental illness has effected me the most and it's actually hardest for me because I was the one that had to endure it, feel it and deal with the repercussions. I had the hardest job actually living through it, and I have no idea how I did or how I am still alive today. It's a miracle I survived. Do you work? And do people still pressure you to work or have ideas of what you should be doing with your life?

[Decadian]

That sounds terrible @mel84 - you seem to have lost yourself

People will tell you to understand when they don't know what it is that you are struggling with - I really don't understand EDs - but I can understand that your mental health - or lack of it - has driven people away and left you very much alone in the world - and that is a loss

I guess you do need validation as a person in spite of the hell they are putting you through - but maybe these are the wrong people

Here people will understand what is happening to you and we will accept you - here we will not tell you to move on and leave the past in the past - you can't do that until you get through what you are going through now and understand the process and what it is doing to you

I don't think this is the right thread for you to get help - this thread is for people who are grieving the loss of loved ones - and although your grief is real I feel you would be better writing in a thread for people with Eating Disorders so I will send an email to the moderators to move your message

People will understand

All the best

Decadian

[mel84]

Thank you so much for responding and for validating my feelings. I honestly don't feel heard or understood by anyone in my life and your honest and compassionate response has made my cry with gratitude. I find it very hard to connect with people as I have not had a conventional life in comparison. It's always been a struggle and I have faced much adversity. More than I could handle many times over.
Ive always had trouble connecting with people because my illness was so severe. Friends were worried but didn't know how to approach me and if they did I would push them away and isolate myself because I couldn't explain what was happening to me. Then when my illness became severe it scared people, they didn't understand my behaviour, and I was seen as too much to handle by family, friends and nursing staff.
Being this unwell has totally crushed any remnant of self esteem or self worth I had left in me and I deal with feeling defective daily. I feel judged harshly by people who have no understanding of what I went through or how hard it is for me just to function day to day. I've recently taken 6 months off work to focus on my health and mental well being and I get judged for that too. Others think I should continue working, even family and close friends. I am sick of trying to justify my decisions for my own life. I really watch what I tell people these days because it's none of their business what I choose to do with my life because it doesn't affect them.
I have found a degree of wellness. I'm certainly not locked up in acute psych wards for months on end anymore. I've tried my hardest to reconnect with family and repair the relationships that I can. I don't bother chasing after people who no longer wish to be a part of my life. The people who want to be in my life will stay and I will continue to put effort into them. I am seeing an eating disorder specialist/ counsellor soon and am working with a new doctor to tinker with my medication as I am still on antidepressants and it hasn't been changed since my last psychotic episode, and I am no longer psychotic. I do still feel very depressed over events which have happened in my life but these were external and I don't know if medication will help ease that. Perhaps therapy will. This year I am just devoting my time to bettering myself, my health and my well being. I don't know why people criticise me for that or have judgemental opinions about it. I'm trying to get better after a lifetime of mental illness, stress and hardship. I don't understand why they can't support me and encourage me to do what I need to do to have some quality of life.

[Decadian]

Hi @mel84

I am glad you have posted in this thread - it is more appropriate and @Former-Member and @Sahara have responded will helpful messages and I hope this is a start for you

You have a lot to grieve - but there is no need at all to feel guilty - you are not responsible for the thoughts and behaviour of other people - and it is ironic - they have treated you badly and made your situation worse - it would never have been so hard if people had not been so hard on you

Believe me - you are not alone and people have suffered from being ignored, disowned or hated by their own families - and yes - when things are bad we want our families and we want to be accepted and loved by them

And sometimes family members will die without ever showing us that love that we deserve actually - but that is not something we have any control over

All the best and keep posting here - people here will not judge - we are a sort of family - a Forum Family - and you are now one of us

Decadian