Lived Experience Forum

[MoonGal]

.

The numbing down.

The dumbing down.

The meds settle and my brain goes sideways.
I am so alone, most of the time.

I somethimes just like my own company.

The past 6 months were so busy and traumatic helping my elderly Mum into care, her fighting every inch of the way.

Now she is looked after, safe, a bit unhappy but trying to make the most of her new life situation.

Days and weeks spent being chucked into PTSD flashbacks. And bit by bit in fact learning that the person I was dealing with (the perpetrator of early abuse) is just a human being struggling too, and I hate that I hate that I saw his humanity. I feel SO conflicted. That I can be empathetic towards the person who caused me so much trauma... I just want to hate him, but I am finding I do not, but I cannot forgive him either, Its a hard thing. 

Went to see a psychologist for a few sessions. Same old, Same old. First one, second one. Very down and anxious. All helpie and useful. Then flicked into a mild hypomania so arrived all bouncy and protecting my inner-core. She decided I didn;t need any more sessions, because of the way I presented. i couldn;t say - but I am actually hypomanic. Because when I am I don;t know, when I am IN it I don;t know. I just look and sound very together - but I talk fast and my thought flow and speech is quite different. But because these people don;t know me - they just see someone with a sparkle int he eye saying "I am going REALLY well" and they beleive me. Then the crash down, down. I have been crying every day, alone.

My poor partner had all her teeth out a month ago - from peridontal disease and she is trying to adapt to new dentures and I feel so very sorry for her - she supports us both the only person in our relationship who works and I feel so damned useless. I have taken good care of her preparing meals she can eat (soup, soup, custard, soup, scrambled egg) but she has to keep getting up and going to work putting her dentures in which hurt so much. Poor girl having to do that HAVING to do it so we can both survive.  

I feel so useless, broken body, broken mind.  She is going interstate for a week next week and I will be really ALONE then - and I am fearful of that. I can cope for the 8 hours she is at work, entertain myself do housework, do some grpahic design , flop about on facebook, read, watch TV, walk my darling doggie daughter, visit Mum (but I just need a break from Mum really!), shop etc - but really I feel right now that my life is such a waste of space. 

I came on here with an intent to involve and read others stories see what I could do to reach OUT instead of just stewing on my own juices. I am reading other people's stries and it is jst crashing me down further.

My doggie-daughter is having her own dental today, she will be aneasthetised and have a tooth removed and scale cleaned, I have her on a very good diet, but her breed is prone to teeth decay. So I don;t even have her here breathing beside me. I know she will be beside herself at the vets she has such huge sepeartion anxiety. Poor girlie too.

Oh what a woe is me post this is! What shall I DO - to lift myself up and out? What? Suggestions welcome - it is cold and threatening rain so walk is not a possibility! 

[Former-Member]

Hi @MoonGal, 

I have read your other threads that you've been posting in the past and know that you've endured an incredibly tough phase in your life over the recent months. I wanted to say that I'm in awe of your strength and determination. You have inspired me at times, I wish I could inspire you right now but alas I don't have much gas in my tank right now. It has been such a hard winter to get out and walk or just enjoy being outdoors which is probably adding to your depression too, I think it is with me. 

I guess my only suggestions especially while your partner is away is to maybe connect on here socially like on the night shift thread or just popping in on others where you feel better about doing so. I suggest you stay away from my struggle thread though, that's not so good for anyone's mental health. I would also love to see some of your designs, maybe you could throw one on the 365 thread. I love graphic design. Just wondering if you could go and visit art galleries too or think of something that gets you out of the house that you may not have done for years. Seems to me that it could be a good time to put on lots of loud music and dance around the house. 

wishing you all the best, thinking of you 💜😊

[MoonGal]

Hey @Former-Member - thank you! Sorry to hear you have little gas in your tank at the moment too. 

Here are two paintings of earlier actual artworks I have done acrylic on canvas from a series called Real-Eyes/Realise. Thetop one in pink is the entire painting, the one below in gold and purples is just a detail of a much bigger canvas.

I haven't painted in real time since 2010 though. All my paints etc are probably all dried up now. The last thing I designed  I finished last week was a series of posters for a little NGO on the African Continent, encouraging girls and their community to keep them in school. I can't share them because it would identify the org and thus me... 

I have a project ready to go for some home stuff, painting an old whicker chair and a bedside table - but the weather has been so wet and windy - and I am using Enamels (because I think they stay beautiful and fresh for longer). I am just waiting for the weather to improve.

[MoonGal]

@Former-Member - that is agreat idea about going to an art gallery. My partner and I hare headed to Sydney in September to see a Frida Khalo exhibition and have two days break, but I could go to the Art Gallery here, ther eis an art festival coming up locally too. I have been so long off the art scene maybe it is time I rejoined it! What a great idea to ponder... thank you.

[Former-Member]

I'm still waiting for the pics to come through @MoonGal. I also wanted to say that I understand why you won't be able to share much work here for anonymity reasons and respect that. Maybe if your feeling bored you could design something for us on the forum at sane, or add a quote and put it up on the inspiration quote page or just a picture that we can enjoy. There are many of us who enjoy seeing images here and it is always lovely to see someone's work. I love your avatar by the way too.  Anyway just food for thought. 💜😊 

ps glad you liked the idea of visiting the local art gallery

[Former-Member]

WOW @MoonGal. They are fabulous. I've fallen in love with the bottom one in particular. Would love it in my house💜😊

[MoonGal]

You know sometimes it is good just to DUmp the Down in the Dumps stuff out. 'Cos after my lovely support from @Former-Member, I went and did a bit of housework, picked up the dog poo (always a great equaliser ha!) and put away the dry washing. I emptied all the myriad stuff from the car that came from Mum's house which is now sold and empty just waiting for the payment to clear the bank.

I thought about my state of mind, what was I doing to myself, what was I SAYING to myself and decided that it was a pretty off script so changed it. I have some ways to go before the insurance claim is over - I have NO idea if I will win my case if i will get a payout or these past 2 years of being constricted/defined by my mental & physical illnesses was worth it. i am ever a resileint being and MUSt remember that, nothing is forever, everything passes.

So! Ta Da. I Can change my mind, sometimes though it helps just to get the thoughts out and someone to say "I hear you". 

[Kurra]

How about making a plan or two for tomorrow @MoonGal
Perhaps you can check out those paint tubes that have been waiting so patiently for their place in your life again. You never know, maybe a few of them haven't dried up to the point of usefulness. It will also allow you to take stock of what you need to replace.

You can entertain the delights of what you might pick for your subject material and check out what canvasses you have or consider using an alternative to canvas. .....

Dream big @MoonGal 💕

[MoonGal]

Oh!  What a great idea @Kurra! The weather will warm soon enough and the little dining area at the back of the house does make a great little studio... Canvas is cheap as chips at cheap as chips and s long as you do a good primer they work okay. 😄 This idea has put bells on my wings. I do graphic design and more rescently strated using it to render artwork in illustrator - this is one I did last year. But the WORK is so detailed and takes so long my wrists particularly but more generally hands, shoulders etc don;t cope well working on the computer using the track pad as the 'brush'...

This one took me about 36 hours of work... (I have watermarked and removed the series name and signature at the bottom.) When printed this could be 2 metres tall.... I would LOVE to be able to actually paint like this in the real world....

I want to write and paint. I need to start setting some goals i think.. I have been so squirrelled up in knots and feeling bereft of a sense of self for a long time.

You gals are fabulous encouraging me, thank you. xx

[Kurra]

Go for it @MoonGal

The world is your oyster and at least you can give your body a rest by using muscles required for using a real brush. Umm 2 metres high - you'd better dig that ladder out too. 😄