Lived Experience Forum

[Suntzu]

Hi new here just really struggling of late and am at rock bottom truely I’m struggling with addiction relationships and just about every other aspect of life. Last night I had a psychotic episode, full blown mental breakdown. Was drug induced psychosis and the terror fear paranoia hearing voices and cars checking my cctv out the front of my house constantly, just completely out of it was really just not fun, I’ve been struggling the past month or two with a dependency/addiction I’m only now fully admitting to myself. This week alone I’ve gone through 5k+ worth. Actually I’m surprised it took this long to finally snap, as in my mind but it really was genuinely scary I didn’t realise what I was doing, acting and behaving for way too long. My life is falling apart my mental health is beyond critical I need help and I have a psychologist but I just can’t even physically explain how my head works the constant negative thoughts, head noise, compulsive self destructive behaviour. I spend everyday like a bum and don’t leave my room I don’t function and it’s not ok. I just dont do what I know I need to do, my self discipline is abysmal Im a degenerate gambler, drinker and substance abuser. Feels like every single thing, person or opportunity I come across I destroy them all I don’t mean too I just genuinely ruin everything I go near and it’s not on purpose I don’t mean too I just do dumb stuff and it’s so frustrating because I just I don’t even know I don’t feel in control anymore I’ve spiraled incredibly bad, worst of my life full blown rock bottom. My thoughts are so loud. Constant negativity and self hatred just sucks 

[Paperdaisy]

Hey @Suntzu I hear you, and I'm so sorry things are so bad right now. It sounds like there's a lot going on and it's an awful feeling when you don't know where to turn and what to do. We have sent you an email so could you please look out for that and let us know how you're doing privately?

I'm hearing you have a psychologist and that's great, but wondering if you feel you might need some more intensive support if you're experiencing psychosis? I'm noticing how scary this is for you. 

Please let us know how you're going now.. 

Here is a directory of services that may be able to help Australian e-mental health directory  

Please take care, Paperdaisy 

[sheba30]

Hey @Suntzu,

It sounds like you are going through a lot right now with your mental health and addictions.

psychosis can be a terrible thing to experience and Ive had lots of experiences with

psychosis in the past . Have you got support right now? It might be good to check in

with someone and get some help so you dont feel so alone with what you are going through.

Have you got a friend or family to help advocate for you if you are not feeling up to it?

please remember, that it gets better, there are plenty of services out there that can really

help. I wish you all the best and hope you reach out and get some support.

[tyme]

@Suntzu ,

Do you have any supports in place? I'm hearing how hard it is for you.

Please know recovery is very possible. I have BPD. I can certainly relate to what you are sharing. 

Therapy really helped me. I hope you find the same. 

You may want to have a look here for support with drug use https://www.health.gov.au/our-work/drug-help and addictions.

[Suntzu]

Yeah was pretty out there experience like I kinda in the back of my mind thought I was being a little overly suspicious and paranoid to the point of delusion but not until hours later did it click in my head that I was at the point of full blown psychosis and how unreasonable and crazy I had been acting and feeling, which then trips me out more cause I know I’m having a psychotic episode.

I eventually got to sleep at like 8am lol and woke up around 3 feeling pretty standard just sad and hopeless constantly thinking about everything that’s terrible that will happen or has happened but that’s just because of the position I’m at in life, when I’m doing good I’m usually pretty well sweet most of the time bar the occasional anger fit or anxiety attack but problem is when I go good it has never lasted more than 3months before I just self destruct completely for no apparent reason

I was going to move my psychologist appointment up today to maybe tomorrow or next week but I forgot/procrastinated, lol standard for me.

I’ve only seen him once and we just brushed on very menial stuff, I just want to go in there and unload all of this and so so much more because the pressure is getting to me, I just need to have my feelings validated.

Especially with BPD like I don’t even know why I do the things I do so expecting any sane person to empathise with or understand me is foolish so it’s not really like I can’t talk to anyone personal about this + I’ve pushed anyway anyone that cares about me so I’m pretty well on my own at this point unfortunately.

[Suntzu]

Yeh I’m sweet I appreciate the sentiment just lost the plot for a bit there.

just really want to understand more about the way my brain works and why because it’s truely a fascinating while simultaneously an incredibly debilitating mental illness

[Suntzu]

Yeah idk somewhat I got this psychologist but I’ve only seen him once and we really didn’t even brush the surface at all very menial standard conversation but that’s bc I’m very withdrawn in terms of discussing my low points and how I feel.

I’ve only found out within the last 3 months or so I have BPD, it is self diagnosed but I remember I saw a video I believe it was and when they said symptoms like with the non existent impulse control
Self destructive behaviour terrible emotional regulation childhood trauma trust issues terrible relationships the fact I push people away when I don’t want to and so many other things it was the most awe inspiring moment of my life I started tearing up, I can’t explain how relieving it felt to know I wasn’t just a terrible selfish angry ¢unt that would have these massive episodes or outbursts like the pieces finally clicked in.

For years I was just told you got anxiety anger issues and your depressed and Ive always said to my mother I’m not right I’m not normal my brain doesn’t work like everyone else and I don’t know why I could never really explain how I felt and my symptoms and I still struggle to explain what’s happening in my head but at least now I know that it’s a biological flaw within my brain I constructed for myself after a lifetime of mental and physical abuse and countless betrayals by people closest too me whom I trusted with my life.

So many things just make sense now and I know why I am the way I am but I really do hate it like I hate that when I’m sad or angry I’m not just sad or angry I’m on the verge on dying or absolutely livid an indescribable level of anger like I feel it bubble from my toes upwards under my skin, I must say but I do love the feeling of when I am happy I feel like a rockstar.

I long suspected potentially bipolar or something of the sorts because about a year or two ago I kinda stopped for a second and thought about the fact that sometimes or days I would feel happy like not just happy like a million bucks my ego: untouchable, confidence unwavering literally on top of the world and it’s why a lot of people liked me thinking about it, very positive funny, centre of attention.
people gravitated towards my energy, but then I would just free fall into a state of pure unadulterated self loathing and exhaustion beyond reason, most of the time for no apparent reason either.

Or the classic meltdown over an almost irrelevant minute detail or action that would have me having violent outburst albeit rarely or having a hissy fit kinda thing, I actually got expelled from school a while back for punching a bloke that made such a tame comment towards me in retrospect, but like I didn’t even think it just happened then immediately after like always I felt overpowering sense of guilt regret and remorse trying to figure out wtf I just did.

Just learning about the disorder but has proved somewhat helpful but and I hope old mate can help me cause I do definitely need a release a person to rant too and some advice.

How did u feel when u were diagnosed or discover bpd?

[Livethroughthis]

Hey. I'm new here too. And I feel you. But I also HAVE to say .  IT CAN ONLY GET BETTER FROM HERE (ROCK BOTTOM!) THE ONLY WAY  IS LIYERALLY UP!! HOW GOOD IS THAT FACT!!

I TOO HAVE ADDICTION AND EXTREMELY NEGATIVE INNER VOICE. I HAVE BODY DISMORPHIC DISORDER AND CPTSD AND DEPRESSION ANxiety eating disorder  AND ADHD.  I DO NOTHING ALL DAY TOO. MY THOUGHT'S TAKE OVER FROM THE MOMENT I GET uP.  I FEEL LIkE YOU MOST DAYS. BUT I WILL SAY THIS.  I GET SO  SICK OF MYSELF  THAT i CHANGE JUST BECAUSE i DONT WANNA BE DOING THAT LikE THAT ANYMORe IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.  THE SELF HATRED

 USE IT TO SPUR YOU ON. COZ WHAT YOURE DOING ISNT WORKING FOR YOU SO WHY NOT TRY SOMETHING DIFFF.  EVEN IF YOU STILL DRINK AND GT HIGH ETC DOESNT TAKE AWAY FROM THE FACT THAT YOU ARE TRYING SOMETHING.  THE ADDICITION HAS GOTTEN YOU THIS FAR IN LIFE SO DONT PUNISH YOURSELF FOR HOW YOUVE LEARNED TO COPE.   PoinT IS YOU COPED ENOUGH TO GET HERE noW. YOUR SICK OF BEInG MISERBLE EVERY DAY SO TRY SOMETHING LIKE EVEN HAVING A SHOWER. THATS A  MASSIVE START!!. SORRY I MAY BE RAMBLING . THOSE THOUGHTS IN YOUR HEAD ARENT TRUTHS THERE JUST BULLYING YOU  BECAUSE YOU FEEL YOU DESERVE IT.  BUT YOU DONT. BUT YOU DO DESERVE TO STAND UP AND WIPE YOUR KNEES AFTER HITTInG ROCK BOTTOM.  UP WE GO !!!!!! 

[Jasper_123]

Hi @Suntzu , are you familiar with the diagnostic criteria for BPD? your post really highlights two of these (I'm also a person with BPD) 

1. Chronic feelings of emptiness
2. Impulsive behaviour in destructive areas - drugs, alcohol, promescuity 

Often with BPD we feel so bad we do behaviours to quiten these feelings or to punish ourselves. On the flipside it can come from the chronic emptiness otherwise described as boredom. 

I have never struggled with substance issues but have always lived in fear of it for myself. Are you ready to seek further help? Have you thought about seeing a specific drug and alcohol counsellor or maybe even going in for a treatment stay? I think a big part of recovery is identifying the 'why', why are you taking drugs? etc.