Lived Experience Forum

[Azboxfta]

Hi all,

I had it all, loving partner, 2 beautiful daughters, house, cars, money, dogs, good jobs
I'm 33 now, started seeing my partner when I was 24...things were great
When I was about 26 my personality began to change, I wasn't happy in my life, I was getting upset at things, I was becoming more and more irrational.
We went to a psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with depression and started medication, I felt no different and the dosage was upped, same again...so they switched it. Same again my mental state kept deteriorating, I was labelled bipolar, rapid bipolar then back to depression over the years
I kept telling them I was getting worse, that the meds had no effect.
Fast forward a few years my personality had changed, I was no longer the nice guy I once was. I was so angry at my life and a fire was raging inside me.
I was irrational and quick to anger, but it was escalating culminating in domestic violence. We went to counselling and more meds for depression and bipolar but the turmoil inside continues, and my mental state continued to slide and the domestic and verbal abuse continued.
My partner left in Jan 2016 and took the children.
I began dating lots of wemon, I dated at least 8 in the year, none lasted more then 4 weeks due to my emotional instability and fears of abandonment (no violence)
In December 2016 I attempted suicide twice and had several parasuicides in the lead up. I was hospitalised under the mental health act twice and was finally diagnosed end of December as having borderline personality disorder. My ex took out an ivo on me based on my mental state due to suicide attempts. I don't blame her, as I understand now why.

I must stress that I was not raised to abuse wemon and it goes against all my morals. I come from a good family and had never done drugs or been in any trouble with the law. I had previous partners of 2 and 4 years, there was no abuse or anger or signs of BPD then.

Since January I have read all the books I can find on BPD, dbt, mindfulness and books about abandonment. And I now have a true understanding of why I did what I did and why medication never worked for me.

I had my day in court, and the ivo was amended so that I could see my children and communicate with the ex regarding them.

I had been seeing the girls once a week for the last month and the other day there mother was dropping them off so I could walk them to the play park. The mum asked if she could come too...we strolled around the lake and talked it was like we were a family again as if it were all some nightmare.

She told me she could see the change in me since starting proper therapy for BPD, I no longer react and am calm. She came in for dinner then left with the girls

But that night, I went into a meltdown I was upset thinking about the damage caused and all the horrible things I'd done in the past. I messaged her and told her it's a breach of the ivo for us to have walked and had dinner, and I told her that I felt I was regressing already and that I no longer want to message her or see my children as it's too difficult for me deal with. I told her I would continue to support her financially but I wanted no part of their lives moving forward...she said she was confused and asked why I'm doing this

My psych told me that I'm not a bad evil person, and that while there is no excuse for domestic violence (which I agree) I have to accept that I was untreated for over 7 years and suffer quite an acute case of BPD 8/9 of the traits and was not in control of my emotions which continued to spiral out of control

I believe the reason I no longer want to see my children or ex is because of the great shame and guilt I now carry with me for my actions. I am sickened too my stomach and think about it daily. I never touched my children but did yell in front of them.

When I think about future partners I feel sick, not that I believe it will happen again but the shame I would feel when telling them what I did

I am committed to treatment, and haven't had a single outburst of anger or suicide attempt in 3 months. I've returned to work and am no longer on any medications or drinking...I'm healthy in mind and body for the first time in a long time

My question is....am I a horrible person? Or was I a person with a serious mental illness that didn't have the ability to control his emotions?

And am I doing the right thing by choosing to no longer have my children and ex in my life?

Thanks

A man living in shame

[Nikolai]

Hi @Azboxfta
Firstly thank you for sharing your story, it took a lot of courage.

I think there are very few 'evil' people in the world, most of us are just doing the best we can. And in my opinion if you are remorseful you aren't evil.

I have mild BPD but I do suffer excessively with guilt and completely understand your desire to push them away due to it.

I think, however, that in the long run you may regret missing the time with your children.

Does your therapist think you are ready to see your kids again?

-N

[BlueBay]

Hi @Azboxfta

Thanks for sharing your story, one that is really difficult.

I too have BPD and struggle with regulating my emotions, fear of abandonment as I have experienced that from my parents.  

I just wanted to let you know that I think it is great that you are having therapy to help you with BPD.  It takes a lot of courage and strength to do that.  

I am a mother of 3 adult children and I cannot imagine what you are going through not seeing your children.  I would suggest if you can to still keep in contact with them, as it will only build a better and healthier realtionship between you and your children, espeically as they grow older.

Maybe this is somethnig you can work through with your psychologist.  Does writing help? Even writing letters to yoiru children; your just your feelings, getting it down on paper always helps me.

You are NOT an evil person.  It's just the BPD thinking that is telling you that.  But I believe you are a kind, caring person and dad and I am sure you love your children so much.

Love to keep chatting with you anytime.

Pls take care, and again it's great to have you on here sharing your story.

Bluebay 🙂

[Azboxfta]

The therapist I was seeing said it's important for me to keep them in my lives and keep seeing

But for me being with my kids is very stressful, I'm anxious in the days leading to it, and completely stressed out when I have them
I can't relax, and it usually ends up with me getting agitated after or before they come....and then melting down and calling in sick for work as I shake out the feelings again

Quite sad when I think about it now

[Azboxfta]

I do write my feelings and plans of suicide down occasionally
I find if I talk about it to a psych/friend or family member I'm worse off. It doesn't seem to help me talking about it
I stopped seeing my psychologist, I'm currently arranging to see a new one
The one I was seeing I found to be bordering on unethical.
She kept talking about her husband and how she was unhappy and wanting to leave her marriage. And would make comments such as "You're a fit, good looking guy " and "I'm not surprised you have been seeing a lot of wemon"
I found it unprofessional and for someone with BPD that kind of talk/relationship isn't healthy I thought as it confuses me
So I haven't been to anyone since end of january

[Kurra]

Hi @Azboxfta,

Thank you for sharing your story so openly and honestly.

I would encourage you to continue seeing your children. In time it's probable that the anxiety you experience before seeing them and the awfully distressing meltdowns after seeing your children will start to become less stressful.

I don't believe that evil caused you to behave inappropriately. From what you have written you were clearly adversely affected by your mental illness. Are you able to communicate with your ex partner through your solicitor to discuss if there is any possibility of being able to walk and talk with her periodically as you did at the park. She has noticed the changes in you and obviously felt comfortable walking around the park with you.

I experienced DV from my husband for most of my marriage. The abusecwas verbal, emotional, financial and physical with numerous broken bones and lots of stitches. In the end he took out a DVO against me!

We spent 12 years apart and I was also rejected by my adult children for the first couple of years. Neither of us stopped loving one another and we have now been together for the last 4 years.

Sometimes we need to choose to forgive ourselves and our loved ones before we can truly move forward to the new chapter in life.

That chapter may include your children and your wife. How it pans out will depend on establishing communication with your family by using the correct processes required by the court system.

Here for you if I can help in any way. Hugzzz 💕 🎶