Lived Experience Forum

[DFE]

I've been struggling with anxiety for a long time now. It's a daily struggle. I feel like I do everything I can to try and manage - antidepressants, psychologist, mindfulness, controlled breathing, yoga & exercise. Had an emotional discussion with my husband tonight. Just don't think he understands at all what it's like and what support I need. I don't want a pity party but I just wish he would once say that he knows somethings are hard for me, that he knows it's not my fault I'm like this, that I'd do anything not to feel ridiculous levels of anxiety over every day things that I used to do without fear before eg driving, shopping & working. Wish he would say that he wished I didn't have this. That he would give me a supportive cuddle and tell me everything's ok. I think he finds my anxiety confusing & frustrating. He said tonight that I completely associate myself with the anxiety eg I'm X and I have anxiety. I don't know if he's right. Does that make my symptoms worse by acknowledging labelling this as an anxiety disorder and frequently referring to my anxiety. For ages I was looking for a physical explanation for my symptoms - dizziness/fatigue/blurred vision. in the end came to the realisation it was anxiety. Am I focussing to much on the diagnosis and making it part of my identity, or does knowing and referring to it as anxiety help me manage it better?

[Mazarita]

Hi @DFE, welcome to the forum.

It's hard when our loved ones don't understand what we are going through. I hear you on that. In many ways it's probably difficult for people who haven't experienced anxiety to imagine the heightened sense of fear that can grip us at those times. It's great that you are engaged with various suggested treatments for anxiety. Personally, I find these things help, sometimes very much, but don't cure completely. So I understand how it can still be a struggle.

It's an interesting issue that your husband raised about identifying with our 'labels'. I relate to this because I do identify a fair bit with having bipolar. For me it's because it makes more sense of my life than just having a lot of extreme experiences I can't name or understand. But it also seems important to me that I remember I am a lot more than my illnesses. Ultimately it's for us to decide whether we identify too much with those labels or not. Perhaps it's about balancing the two.

Do you think it might be possible to share some literature about anxiety with your husband? Perhaps looking for ways to help him better understand might be a way forward.

[Change123]

Hi @DFE@Mazarita@Former-Member

I suffer constantly Generalised Anxiety within my BPD traits.

I do take medication for it which helps a great deal and I totally understand what you are saying about partners not understanding.  Its taken years for my partner to show his "empathetic side" towards me but he still doesnt understand and will often say "dont be silly you have nothing to be anxious about" etc but that doesnt stop the feeling from going away and he too says if I have nothing to be anxious about I still get anxious and this is true.  I think unless you have anxiety others have no idea on the effect it has.

Things that have helped me:

• do excercise or cleaning to tire yourself out - this always helps me - I usually play with my dog or rake the lawn or sweep up
• Create a worry period - this sounds silly but it does help.  You train yourself to spend a certain time frame (5.pm to 5.30pm worrying about everything) so during the day if something makes you anxious write it down and say to yourself "no point worrying now will worry during my designated worry time" I often found by the time I got to my worry time I wasnt stressing anymore.
• Deep breathing excercises always help
• Distract, distract distract

Your question about associating too much with "anxiety" - I know what you mean.  I have BPD and I was getting no where trying to overcome my BPD but once I started giving myself some diciplines (ie. I wont rage tonight and if I make it through I will reward myself with something) I found it a lot easier breaking it down to behaviours rather than the illness.

Another thing I was just thinking about on the weekend which I now understand.  When I did the DBT course part of the mindfullness was to understand what your body is doing at the time and how sometimes our body does the same thing but for something completely opposite and this triggers your mind.  Eg. I get the same tightening in the stomache and heart palpatations if I'm anxious stressed but I also get that if I am excited and happy.  For a while I think I associated my happiness with being stressed as I had the same body reaction and then found myself looking for something to get stressed over.

Anyway hope this helps.

[DFE]

Hi,
Thanks everyone for your responses. I have shared some links with my husband on how to support/what to say to someone with anxiety. He said that he would read.

Thanks for the strategies. I'm glad I found this forum, it's nice to know I'm not alone and that others can relate.