Thanks everyone for your kind and thoughtful posts, and my apologies for (again) my lack of response.
Its just ... well ... tough right now. This is trauma anniversary week. And I am entirely alone for the first time since it happened. No husband and no little dog helping to keep me safe, or at least reassuring me just a little. I'm having lots of horrible dreams and barely sleeping.
This time last year would have been my first without both husband and Holly, but I was in hospital. I was 3 weeks post spinal surgery (which didn't work) and I was still in severe pain. Then as anniversary date approached I was experiencing severe PTSD symptoms so they transferred me into the Mental Health Unit of the hospital for safe keeping because they were concerned for me. That was the first of two long stints in the MHU between February and April last year.
My psychologist did a home visit to see me last Friday, knowing its a difficult time right now. She was here for 2 hours. It was helpful, but there is only so much she can do, and the rest is up to me. She helped me make sense of a number of horrible repetitive dreams I have been experiencing lately. I hadn't connected them, but she explained the connection, and I see now that they are very strongly connected to my rape trauma. Its all related to feeling helpless, afraid, alone and in pain. So now that I understand these dreams and feelings, I can self soothe when I wake in distress, rather than be so self critical.
My psych has been on leave since mid December, shifting offices, and is not officially back until next week. She has organised another appointment for me in the new premises next week, but asked if she could call in to see me at home this Wednesday. I said yes.
I am still doing my post surgery day rehab sessions twice a week and that's going pretty well. I am off all the strong pain killers now, which is a major relief to me. I am still getting pain, but its bearable. Definitely improving and I am happy to work through it from here on in. My rehabilitation doctor today suggested I extend my 6 week rehab program for a further 4 weeks. I agreed to do so, as I feel I need the discipline of twice weekly scrutiny of numerous professionals. Plus the physiotherapists, exercise physiologists, rehab specialists, etc are all there to ensure I don't do anything that could do me any physical harm. Plus I am worried that if I stop the twice weekly sessions, I may go backwards in my physical progress. I don't want that, as I figure I have enough mental stuff to deal with.
Unfortunately houses and puppies are still on the backburner. I found a house I really liked, but it went to auction (the owner would not accept offers prior) and I was outbid. That was Friday week ago. I was really disappointed, as it ticked almost all my boxes, certainly the most important ones. But it wasn't to be, and I am still looking. Oh, I absolutely HATED the auction! That was just awful. I nearly didn't stay for the actual auction, I was so nervous. I was shaking and teary every time the agents came anywhere near me and asked me if I was okay. In the end, I really just wanted to get out of there, out of that room full of people. Don't think I can do that again.
Anyway I was feeling guilty for not responding, and wanted to explain why I have been quiet. I will quietly retreat again now, and be back when I feel I can. I really appreciate you all. 💞
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